Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 16

09p: Zack Galafianakis / Vampire Weekend


Attendant.....Andy Samberg
Male Guest.....Zack Galafiankis
Female Guest.....Kristen Wiig

[ open on exterior, Hotel Del Coronado in Coronado, California ]

[ dissolve to interior, suite bathroom ]

Attendant: And the bathrooms in each of our executive suites come with a whirlpool tub, radiant heating and a rainfall shower head.

Male Guest: Hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Female Guest: It's neat!

Attendant: And, If you follow me, I can show you the master bedroom.

Male Guest: And the... [ dramatic pause ] bidet... comes standard?

Attendant: Uh -- yes, you'll find a bidet in all our executive suites.

Female Guest: And, uh, there's no additional charge for using the, uh... bidet? No per use fee or debit system?

Attendant: No, ma'am, use of the bidet is complimentary.

Female Guest: Very nice, very nice. Good to know.

Attendant: Would you like to see the master bedroom?

Female Guest: And, uh, the bidet... is in good, working order... the bidet?

Attendant: I believe so, yes.

Male Guest: And there's a... a sturdiness to it... the bidet? It can... accommodate... a fairly heavy carriage?

Attendant: I think it's a very standard bidet.

Male Guest: Hmmm, I see.

Female Guest: Good, good, good. And the... water pressure?

Male Guest: Ah, yes. And the water pressure... in the bidet? Should it prove... insufficient... is there an adjustment... that can be made... to possibly increase... the pressure substantially?

Attendant: I don't think so, no.

Male Guest: Hmm, I see.

Attendant: Our sheets in the bedroom boast a 600 thread count.

Male Guest: And the bidet, should it break -- is there a... bidet repairman on site?

Attendant: If there's any problem with the bathroom --

Female Guest: It would be the bidet.

Male Guest: The bidet.

Attendant: We would just call a plumber.

Female Guest: And, uh, this plumber, he can handle even the most... extreme bidet problems?

Attendant: He's a very competent plumber.

Male Guest: And should the bidet... be damaged beyond repair... how soon... would you be able to replace it with a new bidet?

Attendant: I really don't know the answer to that.

Male Guest: Hmm. That's worrisome.

Female Guest: I don't want to hear that. And... should we have, uh, an unexpected overnight guest... do you offer a roll-away bidet?

Attendant: I don't believe that exists.

Male Guest: It's 2010. You would think --

Female Guest: You could draw up a plan.

Male Guest: And are there any... hidden cameras in the bathroom... that might be ble to record whatever is taking place in or around the bidet? Perhaps a toilet cam?

Attendant: No, there are no cameras anywhere in the bathroom.

Female Guest: Hmm. That's a shame.

Male Guest: That's too bad.

Female Guest: And... the nearest hospital? That would be?

Attendant: St. George Medical Center. It's about three miles east of the hotel.

Male Guest: And their ambulances... do they have bidets? Or would there be a gap... between the hotel and the hospital... bidetwise?

Attendant: I doubt the ambulances have bidets. I also doubt the hospital has a bidet.

Male Guest: And with the doctors at the hospital... there's an understood confidentiality, correct?

Female Guest: They're seasoned professionals? They've "seen it all", so to speak?

Male Guest: They've had their gag reflexes removed, haven't they?

Attendant: Okay, you know what? I'm going to just leave you two alone.

Female Guest: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. Before you go, let us give you a little something for your trouble.

[ she hands the boy a soggy dollar bill ]

Attendant: Uh -- why is this wet?

Male Guest: I'm not going to lie to you -- [ he pulls out another soggy dollar and hands it over ] It involves a bidet.

[ the boy chucks the dollar bills to the floor and exits the bathroom, leaving the couple to look exasperatedly at their wet money on the floor ]

[ cut back to exterior, hotel ]

[ fade ]

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