Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 16






09p: Zack Galafianakis / Vampire Weekend

Zack Galafianakis' Monologue

.....Zack Galafianakis

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen -- Zach Galifianakis!

Zach Galifianakis: Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Thank you very, very much. Stop clapping. Stop clapping! [ he claps for himself as well ] It's, uh -- it's great to be back hosting "Saturday Night Live". [ the audience laughs ] Oh. What's that? I've never hosted? [ he scratches his head, thinking ] I hosted something once. I can't remember.

Anyway, uh -- I was in my dressing room tonight before the show, Fabrezing my beard. And I, uh -- I also was, uh, you know -- [ he mimes smoking a joint ] Putting on chap stick daintily. And the stylist here at "Saturday Night Live", she said, "Zach, what kind of look are you going for for your monologue?" And I said, "Well, just give me the Lighthouse Attendant. Oh, you're out of that one? Just give me the Homeless Professor. Oh, you're out of that one? Just give me Marijuana santa Claus. Oh, you're out of that one? Just give me Vice President of Ultimate Frisbee. Oh, you're out of that one? Just give me someone who looks like they write on Alpaca message boards. Oh, you're out of that one? Just give me Wolf Blitzer at Burning Man."

I live in Brooklyn, and, uh -- [ the audience cheers ] I hate it. [ the audience laughs ] I live in a really kind of hip neighborhood, and there's a lots of too cool for school types. You know, these skinny kids with their skinny jeans? The subway is often late. Everybody is just too cool for school. Everytime I'm on the subway platform, and I finally see the light for the train coming down the tunnel, it takes everything in my body not to yell out: "Hey, everybody! Here comes the choo-choo! Hey, everybody! Here comes the choo-choo!"

Now, um, I'm going to go to the piano and talk about myself. [ he sits in front of the piano ] I really don't know what I'm doing here! I don't know what I'm talking aboot. Excuse me -- I've been in canada, opening up for Miles Davis -- [ correcting himself ] Kilometers Davis.

I like dark comedies. That's why I like the Wayans Brothers.

My girlfriend looks a little bit like Charlize Theron, and a lot like Dog the Bounty Hunter. She's writing a book about contemporary feminist theory. She let me read the manuscript and I got to say: It's pretty good for a girl.

I went to my school reunion not too long ago, and it was very weird -- because I was home schooled. Just me there by a bowl of punch, listening to Kool and the Gang. Why I rented that limousine, I have no idea.

This woman said to me the other day, "Zach, I like your beard," and I said, "Look, I'm Greek. This isn't a beard. This is part of my eyebrow.

[ he turns to the band ] Are you guys just gonna sit there? I thought we were gonna rehearse something. [ the band plays in ] There we go.

Sometimes I'll do something and I say to myself, "That is so Raven." And then, other times I'll do something and I'll be like, "That was not very Raven."

If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.

I've been trying to quit drinking. The other day I drank a 12-pack of O'Doul's, and I went riding around in my car and I got pulled over by a cop. He's like, "Son, have you been drinking?" And I'm like, "Uh, sort of." he said, "What have you been drinking?" and I said "O'Doul's, nonalcoholic beer." And he wrote me a ticket for being a gaylord.

I was reading on CNN.com today, before the show. You know that kid who had sex with his high school teacher about a year ago? I read online today that that kid died, today. He died of high-fiving. He was in a high-fiving accident.

We have a great show for you tonight. Hoobastank is here! [ he looks off-screen ] No? Who is it? Vampire weekend is here! Stick around!


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