Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 16

09p: Zack Galafianakis / Vampire Weekend

Health Care Reform

President Barack Obama.....Fred Armisen
Harry Reid.....Will Forte
Nancy Pelosi.....Kristen Wiig
Announcer.....Jim Downey



Announcer: Next on CSPAN, earlier today, President Obama addressed a meeting of the American Nursing Association, where he spoke about health care reform.


[ PRESIDENT OBAMA, Senate Majority Leader HARRY REID and House Speaker NANCY PELOSI stand at a podium. American flags drape the backdrop and several cameras flash. ]

President Barack Obama: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Good afternoon. Nearly 16 years ago, in 1993 and 1994, a newly elected Democratic President, Bill Clinton, working with both Democratic majorities in the House and Senate, attempted to pass the first health care reform in a generation.

Predictably, the forces of the status quo went into action. The bill was attacked relentlessly. Unfairly distorted and so unfairly popular -- it was finally abandoned. That fall of 1994, the Democratic Speaker of the House was defeated in his own district and the Republicans took over both houses of Congress.

I am here today joined by House Speaker Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Reid to tell the American people, "This is not going to happen again!" Now, polls may show the health care bill currently before Congress is surprisingly unpopular.

Nancy Pelosi: They really don't like it.

Harry Reid: I thought it would be much more unpopular. I mean, more popular, excuse me.

Nancy Pelosi: I was stumped.

President Barack Obama: All the same. It is not going to be abandoned. It is a good bill. A good bill, that we have perhaps, have failed to properly explain. Speaker Pelosi and Majority Leader Reid have assured me that, unpopular it may be, in the days ahead, this bill will be passed by both the House and the Senate and be sent to my desk for its signature.

Finally after decades of effort, we will have real health care reform. Even though I have said it may not be "popular". Or "viewed favorably by Americans". Or "what the people want us to do". Naturally, the same forces that fought reform 16 years ago are back! Trying to convince members of Congress a vote for this legislation is political suicide.

Now granted this bill is very unpopular, but come on! Does anyone seriously think Nancy Pelosi could lose in her San Francisco district? A place where Republican candidates finish fourth behind professional dominatrixes. And homeless people! Let's get real -- that's not gonna happen.

Now Senator Reid, I'll admit, is in a different situation. He's up for re-election this fall in Nevada where health care reform is especially unpopular. I'm not sure why, but it is. Really, really unpopular. Angry mob unpopular.

So let's be frank -- Harry Reid could lose this November but let me make something clear -- I don't think he will. Or it won't be because of this unpopular health care bill. After all, he's got other problems. Health care could poll at 100% and Harry Reid would still have problems.

[ Senator Reid frowns and nods his head out of reluctant unison. ]

President Barack Obama: I think even Harry would agree that he's not the most telegenic or charismatic guy around.

[ The President turns to Speaker Pelosi. ]

President Barack Obama: Am I right about that?

[ Speaker Pelosi nods. ]

President Barack Obama: Plus, he's been hurt by the other sleazy deals he cut with other senators in order to get health care passed. I mean, you have to admit, they were sleazy.

Harry Reid: They were, they were...

President Barack Obama: I mean -- The Cornhusker Kickback!? It just smelled bad.

Harry Reid: It did, it did...

President Barack Obama: Also, Harry hasn't been able to spend much time back in Nevada campaigning as he's been working in Washington on this deeply unpopular health care bill. But that doesn't help. But I still wouldn't count Harry Reid out. He's a scrapper. Plus, even if he loses, we'll still have enough Democratic senators for a majority. I mean, no offense.

Harry Reid: None taken.

President Barack Obama: I mean, who knows, we might be better off without him! I don't know.

Harry Reid: Maybe...

President Barack Obama: But I'll tell you what! Even with all of Harry's problems, I'll bet he makes it. Although you never know -- Nevada's weird. Now Nancy here, I'm sure of. C'mon! San Francisco!

Nancy Pelosi: I feel pretty good!

President Barack Obama: As for myself, I will unfortunately not be on the ballot this fall. I wish I could be, because unlike this health care bill, I am really, really popular.

[ The President chuckles. ]

President Barack Obama: You'll see what I mean in 2012... Thank you and "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts