09p: Zack Galafianakis / Vampire Weekend
Health Care Reform
President Barack Obama.....Fred Armisen
Harry Reid.....Will Forte
Nancy Pelosi.....Kristen Wiig
[ CSPAN TITLE CARD - PRESIDENT OBAMA SPEAKS ON HEALTH CARE REFORM ]
Announcer: Next on CSPAN, earlier today, President Obama addressed a
meeting of the American Nursing Association, where he spoke about health
[ INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY ]
[ PRESIDENT OBAMA, Senate Majority Leader HARRY REID and House Speaker
NANCY PELOSI stand at a podium. American flags drape the backdrop and
several cameras flash. ]
President Barack Obama: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Good afternoon. Nearly 16
years ago, in 1993 and 1994, a newly elected Democratic President, Bill
Clinton, working with both Democratic majorities in the House and Senate,
attempted to pass the first health care reform in a generation.
Predictably, the forces of the status quo went into action. The bill was
attacked relentlessly. Unfairly distorted and so unfairly popular -- it
was finally abandoned. That fall of 1994, the Democratic Speaker of the
House was defeated in his own district and the Republicans took over both
houses of Congress.
I am here today joined by House Speaker Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader
Reid to tell the American people, "This is not going to happen again!"
Now, polls may show the health care bill currently before Congress is
Nancy Pelosi: They really don't like it.
Harry Reid: I thought it would be much more unpopular. I mean, more popular, excuse me.
Nancy Pelosi: I was stumped.
President Barack Obama: All the same. It is not going to be abandoned. It is a good
bill. A good bill, that we have perhaps, have failed to properly explain.
Speaker Pelosi and Majority Leader Reid have assured me that, unpopular it
may be, in the days ahead, this bill will be passed by both the House and
the Senate and be sent to my desk for its signature.
Finally after decades of effort, we will have real health care reform.
Even though I have said it may not be "popular". Or "viewed favorably by
Americans". Or "what the people want us to do". Naturally, the same forces
that fought reform 16 years ago are back! Trying to convince members of
Congress a vote for this legislation is political suicide.
Now granted this bill is very unpopular, but come on! Does anyone
seriously think Nancy Pelosi could lose in her San Francisco district? A
place where Republican candidates finish fourth behind professional
dominatrixes. And homeless people! Let's get real -- that's not gonna
Now Senator Reid, I'll admit, is in a different situation. He's up for
re-election this fall in Nevada where health care reform is especially
unpopular. I'm not sure why, but it is. Really, really unpopular. Angry
So let's be frank -- Harry Reid could lose this November but let me make
something clear -- I don't think he will. Or it won't be because of this
unpopular health care bill. After all, he's got other problems. Health
care could poll at 100% and Harry Reid would still have problems.
[ Senator Reid frowns and nods his head out of reluctant unison. ]
President Barack Obama: I think even Harry would agree that he's not the most
telegenic or charismatic guy around.
[ The President turns to Speaker Pelosi. ]
President Barack Obama: Am I right about that?
[ Speaker Pelosi nods. ]
President Barack Obama: Plus, he's been hurt by the other sleazy deals he cut with
other senators in order to get health care passed. I mean, you have to
admit, they were sleazy.
Harry Reid: They were, they were...
President Barack Obama: I mean -- The Cornhusker Kickback!? It just smelled bad.
Harry Reid: It did, it did...
President Barack Obama: Also, Harry hasn't been able to spend much time back in
Nevada campaigning as he's been working in Washington on this deeply
unpopular health care bill. But that doesn't help. But I still wouldn't
count Harry Reid out. He's a scrapper. Plus, even if he loses, we'll still
have enough Democratic senators for a majority. I mean, no offense.
Harry Reid: None taken.
President Barack Obama: I mean, who knows, we might be better off without him! I
Harry Reid: Maybe...
President Barack Obama: But I'll tell you what! Even with all of Harry's problems,
I'll bet he makes it. Although you never know -- Nevada's weird. Now Nancy
here, I'm sure of. C'mon! San Francisco!
Nancy Pelosi: I feel pretty good!
President Barack Obama: As for myself, I will unfortunately not be on the ballot
this fall. I wish I could be, because unlike this health care bill, I am
really, really popular.
[ The President chuckles. ]
President Barack Obama: You'll see what I mean in 2012... Thank you and "Live, from
New York, it's Saturday Night!"
Submitted by: Cody Downs