Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 16










09p: Zack Galafianakis / Vampire Weekend

Pageant Talk

Gene Shemp....Zack Galafiniakis
Wanda Gail Shemp....Jenny Slate
Lydia Shemp....Kristen Wiig
Leland Lee Lind....Bill Hader

[Opens in a tacky pageant looking talk show. Gene sings with his white tuxedo, puffed up hairdo, mustache. His daughter dressed like a Miss Teen contestant, tiara et cetera]

Caption: Pageant Talk

Gene Shemp: [sings] Catch a star and watch a star here on "Pageant Talk" with Gene.

Wanda Gail Shemp: And Wanda Gail Shee-e-e-emp!

[song ends, they sit]

Gene Shemp:[loud, gay] I wrote that song and thank you so much. Hi, I'm Gene Shemp and this is my beautiful daughter, 3-time winner Miss Teen Gulf Coast, Wanda Gail Shemp!

Wanda Gail Shemp: Hi, I'm Wanda Gail Shemp.

Lydia Shemp: [miserable woman smoking, bag of Cheetos] What the hell? Ain't nobody gonna introduce me?

Gene Shemp: [not thrilled] Sorry, here's my wife of thirteen long years, Lydia Shemp.

Lydia Shemp: Pageants are a waste of money.

Gene Shemp: You are the worst!

Lydia Shemp: You are! You old queen!

Gene Shemp: You hooked up with it! You decided to marry it! I told you I wasn't into it! You said it didn't matter!

Lydia Shemp: It does matters to me!

Gene Shemp: Oh, why don't you just smoke more!

[Lydia throws an used ashtray at Gene]

Wanda Gail Shemp: [Gene mimics silently Wanda's every word] I believe....I believe in life everyone should follow their dreams.

Gene Shemp: Well, I'm chomping at the bits to see who our first guest is! He is a pageant coordinator for most of the pageants on the southeast! Leland Lee Lind!

[Leland comes out and does a swishy little dance, sits next to Lydia]

Leland Lee Lind: Hi y'all. Thanks for having me. I can't talk a lot today cause I was screaming all last night.

Gene Shemp: [laughing] You're nasty! And you are wearing the hell outta those acid wash jeans! The hell outta them!

Lydia Shemp: Why don't you marry those acid wash jeans if you love 'em so much? Hey, don't worry acid wash jeans, he'll never touch ya'.

Gene Shemp: I resent that. I resent everything you just said.

Leland Lee Lind: Who is this woman?

Gene Shemp: My wife.

Leland Lee Lind: [supergay] Wha-a-a-at?!

Wanda Gail Shemp: So Leland....[Lydia throws another ashtray at Gene] So Leland, what's out in pageants this year? Thank you.

Leland Lee Lind: Up do poofs.

Gene Shemp: OH, I'VE SAID IT MYSELF LAST YEAR! IF I SEE ONE MORE UP DO POOF I'LL HAVE TO GET MYSELF DOWN ON A HOT SHOWER!!

Leland Lee Lind: O-M-G! Way too much info, Ge-e-e-ene.

Gene Shemp: Sorry about all the smoke.

Lydia Shemp: I assume you're talking about me? Just let me smoke. It is my only joy in life.

Gene Shemp: You are the worst! You smell like a bunch of stinky old Bojangles Bah--[Zack starts cracking up] sausage biscuits!

[Everyone holds laughter in the cast]

[Lydia throws ashtray at Gene]

Lydia Shemp: I'm gonna be in the car-truck. I need some fresh air. I'm going to go outside and smoke. [leaves]

Wanda Gail Shemp: [ again Gene mouthing every word Wanda says] Well, thank you so much for joining us on "Pageant Talk". And remember, keep reaching for the stars because stars don't have arms to reach for you.

Gene Shemp: I wrote all that beautiful stuff about the stars!

Wanda Gail Shemp: I love you daddy, thank you.

Gene Shemp: You're welcome and good night!

Pageant Talk logo.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel


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