Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 16
















09p: Zack Galafianakis / Vampire Weekend

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

.....Seth Meyers
Mo'Nique.....Kenan Thompson
.....Will Forte

Announcer: "Weekend Update" with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: I'm Seth Meyers, and here are tonight's top stories:

During his weekly internet address this morning, President Obama said of health care reform, "I know it's been a hard and long road to this point, and we are not finished with our journey just yet, but we are close, we are very close." But, then, in an ominous sign the address ended with this: [ the words "HEALTH CARE" swoop down like the "LOST" titles ] So that can't be good.

Republicans, this week, accused President Obama of trying to jam health care reform down the throats of the American people. Maybe, maybe not. But at least if it passes, you can get your throat looked at.

Democratic congressman Charles Rangel, this week, stepped down as the head of the House Ways and Means Committee amid a probe of his ethics violation. I have to hand it to Rangel: it's not often you find somebody in Washington willing to pose for their own political cartoon.

A new report suggests that people may be suffering from hay fever for longer because climate change could be extending pollen season. "Oh, that's a freaking shame," said a polar bear standing on an ice cube.

Seth Meyers: The Oscars are tomorrow night, and many experts are predicting a lack of surprises in the acting categories, with the favorites expected to sweep. Here, now, one of those favorites: Mo'Nique.

Mo'Nique: Hello there, Seth! Thank you for having me here with you tonight. I am truly blessed.

Seth Meyers: Oh, well, we're happy to have you. So, Mo'Nique, you were amazing in "Precious." And this is very exciting. You won the Golden Globe, the BAFTA, and the SAG Award. Um, are you nervous about tomorrow?

Mo'Nique: Oh, hell, yes, I am, Seth! I am nervous, and if I win, I will not be able to fit my speech into the allotted 45 seconds. That's like trying to squeeze my luscious body into a Zac Posen tube dress.

Seth Meyers: So, what are you going to do?

Mo'Nique: Well, if you will indulge me, seth, I would like to practice my acceptance speech. Please take a stop watch and time me.

Seth Meyers: Oh, okay. Great. Excellent. So, 45 seconds, Mo'Nique. Here... we... go!

Mo'Nique: [ breathing heavily ] Ooh, yes, yes! Tonight! What a night! Ohhh, it's all good tonight. Oh, yes. We are her. I want to thank --

Seth Meyers: Time!

Mo'Nique: No!

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

Mo'Nique: Oh. That's bad.

Seth Meyers: Yeah, it's really bad.

Mo'Nique: Did I thank God?

Seth Meyers: No.

Mo'Nique: Oh. Well, that won't do, Seth.

Seth Meyers: No.

Mo'Nique: Maybe we could try again.

Seth Meyers: Okay. Maybe just get into it a little faster? I think that would help, you know? Start talking faster.

Mo'Nique: Okay.

Seth Meyers: Okay, so here we go. 45 Seconds. Go!

Mo'Nique: [ breathing heavily, but quickly ] Oh, my goodness! Alright! Yes! Tonight! What a night! Oh, it's all good tonight. Yes. We are her. Ohhh! I want to thank --

Seth Meyers: Oh, you're slowing down now.

Mo'Nique: SO many people. I want to start at the bottom and work my way to the top.

Seth Meyers: Oh, I'd start at the top.

Mo'Nique: I want to thank Cece Peanut, ReRe Davis, T.T. Malloy -- they're the real deal, Seth. They're the people that keep it going!

Seth Meyers: Who are they?

Mo'Nique: Well, one is my first cousin, and the other two are very proud black women I met at a party.

Seth Meyers: You do not have time to thank all these people.

Mo'Nique: Well, I want to thank the key grip, the regular grips... I want to thank the entire electrical department involved in this project. You brought a light to this set that was both spiritual and practical. How much time do I have left, Seth?

Seth Meyers: One second.

Mo'Nique: Oh, and God!

Seth Meyers: Done!

Mo'Nique: Ah, I'm still not quite there, Seth.

Seth Meyers: What are you going to do?

Mo'Nique: Probably just talk for three or four minutes.

Seth Meyers: Well, then, what are you going do when the orchestra plays you off?

Mo'Nique: Seth, I am not one of these skinny white bitches who went to Juilliard or Carnegie Mellons who get scares when I heard violin music! I am a stand-up comedienne. I have played the Apollo, Seth. The Sandman himself couldn't get me to budge. I am a heavy beautiful black woman. It will take more than a conductor's baton to get me off the stage. Somebody's gonna have to get up underneath my juicy behind and PUSH!! Based on a novel by Sapphire. God bless us all!

Seth Meyers: Mo'Nique, everyone! Good luck, you deserve it.

In the latest storyline of "Amazing Spider-Man, Peter Parker gets fired from his photography job and becomes unemployed. And, more bad news: the Hulk was downsized.

About 5200 naked people posed for a group photo taken on the steps of the Sydney Opera House this week. In the process, breaking the record for most australian men saying, "That's not a penis, THIS is a penis!"

Lady Gaga said recently that she is currently single and celibate. Like the saying goes: "A good man is hard to find while you're wearing a scuba suit made of bone that that's lit on fire by a team of shirtless male dancers."

Police in a small town in Texas spent thirty minutes recently chasing a loose goat. There's no video of the incident, but we did get a hold of an audio tape. [ cue "Yakety Sax", the closing theme from "The Benny Hill Show" ] Harrowing, harrowing stuff!

A man in Vietnam who set the Guinness world record for having the longest hair, at 22 feet, died this week at the age of 79. Tragically, he was going down an escalator when suddenly, and without warning, he died of cancer.

Seth Meyers: March is National Women's History Month. Here to comment is our own Will Forte.

Will Forte: Thank you, Seth. Hello. I am here because I could not be more excited about Women's History Month -- or, should I say "Women's Herstory Month".

Seth Meyers: Oh.

Will Forte: You see how I just changed the word "History" for the word "Herstory", Seth?

Seth Meyers: Yeah. I-I saw that.

Will Forte: So, uh, to celebrate this great occasion, I did a lot of research and wrote a pretty amazing song about Great Women in Herstory. I did it again. Did you see that?

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

Will Forte: And this song is SO good, that I've been trying to get every high school in America to teach it in class. But it's been a tough sell because, full disclosure, I've been asking them for a lot of money to use it. And they're being real cheapskates about it. Hey, look -- I know that $50,000 per school is a lot of money. But I ask you, you stupid high schools of America: How do you put a price on women's herstory? Did you see what I did there?

Seth Meyers: Yeah. No, I see it every time.

Will Forte: Okay. Anyway, you be the judge. Here's the song. It is called "Women's Herstory: Did You See What I Did?" [ he riffs ] I like to start with a little riffing at the beginning.

Seth Meyers: Sure.

Will Forte: So -- and one, two, three, four!

[ singing ]

"Betsy Ross made a flag
Rosa Parks sat on a bus
Nancy Pelosi, government
Emily Dickinson, books.

Good job, women!
Good job, women!
You should have been paid more money than men.
Good job, women!
Terrific job, women!
Your history is now "herstory" -- See what I did there?

Sally Ride, space woman
Mary Tyler Moore threw that hat
Diane Keaton wore a tie like a dude
And Helen Keller said "Waaa!"

Good job, women!
Good job, women!
Enjoy the month of March, 'cause that's all you get.
Good job, women!
And good song, Will Forte!
What good information that should be taught in school.

High schools of America, what are you thiiiinkiiiing?
Kids should learn about the wife of President Lincoln -- I do not know her name.
I'm sorry, this section is kind of a digression
But I just wanted everyone to know what dicks the high schools are being.
But back to women now!

Miss Piggy, talking pig
Betty Crocker, cake
The Snapple Lady was a Snapple salesman
Gandhi is a man, he is not on the list.

Good job, women!
Bad job, high schools!
What a great song, I think it's worth fifty grand.
Cheap, cheap high schools!
Run by a-holes!
I'm going to start my own school and teach only this song!

You dipstick high school!
You brought this on yourself!
Wait 'til I start my own school and take all of your kids!

Will Forte High School!
Where all of the kids ace the Women's History portion OF THEIR S.A.T's!"

Suck it American high schools! You guys are freakin' herstory -- Did you see what I did there?

Seth Meyers: I did! Will Forte, everyone! Thank you!

Will Forte: Thank you.

Seth Meyers: It was announced this week that the cast of "Glee" will embark on a seven day live concert tour this Spring. Said your son who never got the hang of a throwing a spiral.

A Chuck E. Cheese in Harlem, New York has posted a new set of rules that prohibits custimers from wearing gang style apparel and from engaging in gang style conduct. Though, if your gang meets at Chuck E. Cheese, chances are it's not really a gang.

A company in Australia has created a line of men's underwear made with banana fibers, which is great as long as you're cool with the occasional monkey rape.

A man in South Carolina was arrested while high on crack driving a stolen go-cart. Though I'm surprised he was arrested, since a guy smokinh crack and driving a stolen go-cart is the South Carolina state flag.

Seth Meyers: For "Weekend Update," I'm Seth Meyers. Good night!


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