Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 17














09q: Jude Law / Pearl Jam

Broadview Security

Single Woman.....Nasim Pedrad
A.J.....Andy Samberg
Spokesman.....Bill Hader
Operator.....Will Forte
Rabbi.....Fred Armsien
k.d. Lang.....Abby Elliott

[ open on a group of people leaving a single woman's house party ]

Voice: See ya'!

Single Woman: Hey! Thanks again for dropping by my party, A.J.

A.J.: [ awkwardly ] Well... you have my e-mail -- uh, if you want to send me that lemon bar recipe.

Single Woman: Cool. See ya', A.J.

A.J.: Alright, bye.

Single Woman: Bye!

[ she closes her front door, turns on the alarm, and begins to pick up after the party ]

[ suddenly, the door handle jiggles and A.J. comes bursting through the door ]

[ the alarm goes off, as the woman screams ]

[ A.J. flees the scene, as the phone rings ]

Single Woman: Hello?!

Operator: This is Broadview Security. Is everything okay?

Single Woman: A nice guy who was at my party left, and then he broke in, like, twenty seconds later.

Operator: We're on our way.

[ Spokesman steps in front of the camera ]

Spokesman: Are you a single woman who lives alone in a large, five-person house? Then you need Broadview Security.

[ show chart ]

Spokesman V/O: Studies show that if you’re a lady, most men want to kill you.

[ show computerized demonstration ]

Spokesman V/O: And with Broadview Security, you can have an alarm that makes loud noises, which will make those men run away through the bushes. At the same time, one of our male security professionals in a button-down shirt will be alerted immediately.

Operator: Don't worry, Ma'am -- help is on the way.

Spokesman: And she'll need it. Because, like most women, she's under the threat of constant home invasion, from EVERYONE she meets.

[ cut to single woman kissing her grandfather good night ]

Single Woman: Thanks again, Grandpa! I love these Sundays together.

[ cut to Grandpa bursting through the door, as the woman screams ]

Spokesman: It could happen. And so could any of these terrifying scenarios where men kick down your door. Men like:

Your rabbi!

[ the rabbi bursts through the door ]

k.d. Lang!

[ k.d. Lang bursts through the door ]

Or two boys dressed as a man!

[ two boys dressed like a man burst through the door ]

Spokesman: Luckily, none of these things will ever happen -- if you get Broadview Security.

[ the spokesman bursts through the door ]

Spokesman: Get it, or get murdered!

[ fade ]


SNL Transcripts