Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 17

09q: Jude Law / Pearl Jam

Secret Word

Lyle Round.....Bill Hader
Mindy Grayson.....Kristen Wiig
Vladmir Kuchev.....Jude Law
Lenny Doyle.....Kenan Thompson
Dan Durnst.....Fred Armisen

Announcer 1: Youíre watching the Game Show Network. Coming up next, Secret Word!

Announcer 2: Itís time to play the game the stars play, Secret Word! With your host, Lyle Round!

[Lyle Round enters from backstage; the audience applauses]

Lyle Round: Hello! Hello everyone! Iím Lyle Round, and we got a great show for you, and it looks like our contestants are ready, so why donít we bring out the stars! Our first guess is someone you may not recognize as a celebrity, because she is better known for her work on the Broadway stage, please welcome Mindy Gracin!

[Mindy comes out to applause; she stands, smiling in somewhat of a haze]

Mindy Grayson: Look at me!

Lyle Round: Good to have you back. Next we have Russian ballet star, Vladimir Kuchev! [Vladimir enters by doing demi-pointe work on and off the stage] Vladimir, Vladimir, Vladimir! [Vladimir comes back by semi-leaping to the other side, then stretching his leg on the table] Alright!

Vladmir Kuchev: Theyíve not yet worn though!

Lyle Round: Okay, why donít you have a seat? Have a seat, have a seat! Alright, so whatís new with you, Vladimir?

Vladmir Kuchev: Iíve recently defected from my country so I can be ballet dancer in America! [Vladimir stands up, his very large bulge is visible and he stretches his leg on the table again] You see?

Lyle Round: Oh, VERY nice! Very nice. Well a coin was tossed backstage and Mindyís team won the toss, are you ready?

Mindy Grayson: Lyle, I, am, prepared, to play, SECRET WORD! [Mindy stretches her arms up, one hand going over her teammateís face]

Lyle Round: Quiet from the audience and ten seconds from the clock.

Announcer 2: The secret word is ďgown.Ē

Mindy Grayson: [Clock starts ticking] Alright. I know about these... how am I going to do this? Alright... [inhales deeply, then exhales] Oh, I know. Goooooooowwwwwwwwnnnnnnn! [Buzzer rings; Mindy shakes her head]

Lyle Round: You just said the secret word, Mindy. The secret word was ďgown.Ē

Mindy Grayson: Yes, I said it. I said the secret word, gown. Iím an actress, thatís my craft, itís what I do, I read the page! Just like I did when I starred in the hit show [Stands up] Sassy Slacks of 1963!

Lyle Round: Okay, okay. Calm down, calm down. Before we go on, why donít we meet your partner? His name is Lenny Doyle, and I hear you have a very funny story for us.

Lenny Doyle: Well, I donít know how funny it is. I was arrested for walking around a neighborhood that families live in. [Mindy and Lyle laugh]

Lyle Round: Thatís great. Now weíre glad youíre here; letís move over to Vladimirís team. Letís meet his partner!

Dan Durnst: Uh, hi, Iím Dan Durnst, Iím a file clerk and I enjoy playing the handbells!

Mindy Grayson: I played a Southern belle in the Broadway show [Stands up] I Do Declare My Name is Dee Claire!

Lyle Round: I saw that, and it was awful. Letís move on, Vladimir, move on, youíre up. Ten seconds on the clock.

Announcer 2: The secret word is ďvodka.Ē

Vladmir Kuchev: This is too easy. You have this in the morning with beets.

Dan Durnst: Um, uh... Cheerios. I donít know.

Vladmir Kuchev: Nyet, nyet. If your baby is thirsty, it drinks this.

Dan Durnst: Uh... milk.

Vladmir Kuchev: NO! Concentrate! What is wrong with you? Youíre embarrassing me!

Dan Durnst: Cheerios?

Mindy Grayson: Itís vodka! I can see it right here on my screen, the secret word is Vodka. I can see it right here. [Buzzer goes off]

Lenny Doyle: Why are you helping them?

Lyle Round: We donít want any trouble, Lenny! I WILL call the police!

Lenny Doyle: Oh...

Vladmir Kuchev: Sheís right! Itís WODKA! Iím sorry I yelled at you. [Puts his hand down Danís face] See, I have tender side.

Lyle Round: [Laughs] Yeah. Letís go back over to Mindyís team. Ten seconds on the clock.

Announcer 2: The secret word is ďtheater.Ē

Mindy Grayson: Alright, listen very closely. Iím not going to say theater. [Buzzer goes off] Theeeaaaaaaaaaaater! [Buzzer goes off four times] I said the secret word again. But this time I cannot be blamed, theaterís in my bones! It has been since the stage debut [Stands up] And Sarah Made a Sound, the story of a mute girl who desperately wanted to say the word jazz!

Lyle Round: Take it easy. Take it easy. Thank you. Dan, itís your turn to give to Vladimir.

Dan Durnst: Okay!

Announcer 2: The secret word is ďcake.Ē

Dan Durnst: Okay, this is something you eat on your birthday.

Vladmir Kuchev: Sour cream and fish.

Dan Durnst: No.

Vladmir Kuchev: What do you mean, no?!

Dan Durnst: Itís a dessert.

Vladmir Kuchev: Oh, of course. Steamed eggs in pickled water!

Lyle Round: Timeís almost up, Vladimir.

Mindy Grayson: [Walks over to Danís side] Itís cake. Itís right there on the screen. [Buzzer goes off]

Lyle Round: You know what? Before I kill someone, I think we know a break. Weíll be right back after a word from Career Girl Cigarettes!

Mindy Grayson: [Stands in front of panel] Thank you for watching! [Lyle tries to get her to sit down; title screen comes up]

Submitted by: Joe Murray

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