Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 17












09q: Jude Law / Pearl Jam

An SNL Digital Short

.....Andy Samberg
.....Julian Casablancas
Drug Dealer.....Akiva Schaffer
Spanish Guy.....Fred Armisen
Orderly.....Bobby Moynihan

FADE IN:

[ The picture shakes as the bass of the boombox blasts. ANDY SAMBERG’ standing in front of several speakers with his head tilted down. The camera moves closer and closer on him as he quickly tilts his head up. ]

Andy Samberg: [singing]
“Imagine in your mind you’re in a posh country club”

INT. COUNTRY CLUB – DAY

[ Several well-to-do folks are having boiled goose for lunch. A matire’d denies entry to a poor family. ]

Andy Samberg: [singing]
“The stuffy old money where the poor get snubbed
The spread is bland sauerkraut and boiled goose
There’s no way these people will ever cut loose”

[ Andy enters, carrying a colossal boombox and holds it high over his head. ]

Andy Samberg: [singing]
“But then I walk in the room, hold my boombox high
And what happened next, will blow your mind”

[ The patrons and staff are dancing wild as The Strokes’ lead singer JULIAN CASABLANCAS holds a mic. ]

Julian Casablancas: [singing]
“Everything got outta control”
The music was so entrancing
Everyone got out of the floor
It was a bunch of white people dancing”

EXT. NYC – DAY

[ Andy strolls down the Upper West Side. Two street cops arrest a drug dealer. ]

Andy Samberg: [singing]
“The Big Apple, where people never dance
Spirits go down while profits expand
The cops or the dealers, who’s got the juice”

[ Andy poses next to an angry, Middle Eastern street vendor selling boiled goose. ]

Andy Samberg: [singing]
“The street vendors peddling their boiled goose
So many types of people, they’ll never get along
Till I bust out my boombox and play this song”

[ Julian’s surrounded by pedestrians who’re dancing; such as an Asian man doing a freak dance as well as the cops and the drug dealer swaying in harmony. ]

Julian Casablancas: [singing]
“The music washed away all their hate
And society started advancing
Every demographic was represented
It was a rainbow coalition of dancing”

[ The street vendors gyrates his body holding two, boiled gooses. Andy holds the boombox near the face of a Wall Street executive, who’s doing the “ass slap” break dance.]

Julian Casablancas: [singing]
“Whoa!

[ INTERCUT between the street and Julian on an all black soundstage raining glitter.]

Julian Casablancas: [singing]
Everyone was wearing fingerless gloves”

[ Andy, Julian, and the crowd wiggle their fingerless, gloved-covered hands. ]

Julian Casablancas: [singing]
“Whoaaaaaoaaaaaoh!
I saw a Spanish guy doing the Bartman”

[ A SPANISH MAN wearing a Bart Simpson t-shirt and yellow/red cape does the Bartman dance. ]

INT. RETIREMENT HOME – DAY

[ Numerous geriatric senior citizens mull around. ]

Andy Samberg: [singing]
“Transport now to an old folks home
Where the elderly are tossed on their brittle bones”

[ An ORDERLY steals a wad of cash out of a purse. ]

Andy Samberg: [singing]
“The orderlies are stealing, there’s no excuse
Everyday for lunch they eat boiled goose”

[ An elderly black man gets a whole patter of boiled goose smothered in BBQ sauce. ]

Andy Samberg: [singing]
“So I grabbed my boombox and hit the turbo base”

[ Andy flips a switch labeled TURBO BASS and holds the boombox high. ]

Andy Samberg: [singing]
“And what happened next was a total disgrace”

[ All the residents start engaging in torrid intercourse. ]

Julian Casablancas: [singing]
“Everybody started having sex
The music was way too powerful
A bunch of old people fucking like rabbits
It was disgusting to say the least
Oh!
A boombox can change the world
You gotta know your limits with a boombox
This is a cautionary tale
A boombox is not a toy!”

[ Julian smashes a vase by closing his hands. Andy slides on the floor of the soundstage like Michael Jackson as glitter shoots up from the slide. Andy holds the boombox on his shoulder blowing glitter into the camera simultaneously with Julian at his side. ]

END


Submitted by: Cody Downs


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