Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 17


















09q: Jude Law / Pearl Jam

The Twilight Zone

Rod Serling.....Bill Hader
Husband.....Jude Law
Wife.....Abby Elliott
Stewardess.....Nasim edrad Thing.....Bobby Moynihan
.....Pearl Jam
Thing's Wife.....Jenny Slate

[ open on Rod Serling standing in front of an airport terminal with creepy "Twilight Zone" music playing ]

Rod Serling: A man journeys from Point A to Point B. But this is no ordinary journey. For little does this man know, this trip ends in a dark, mysterious, terrible place: [ dramatic pause ] Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. And, also: The Twilight Zone.

[ cut to exterior footage of a plane flying in the rain ]

[ dissolve to interior, cabin, as a stewardess tends to her passengers ]

Husband: Ohhhh... oh, man! Will this storm EVER end?

Wife: [ chipper ] Oh, it's fine, dear. HUNDREDS of planes fly through this kind of weather every day!

Husband: Yeah, but I'm not on those planes!

Wife: Oh, relax. It'll be better if you try to sleep.

Husband: [ nodding ] Okay. Alright. I'll try.

[ he leans back, but first looks out the window as thunder flashes. He's stunned by what he sees. ]

[ cut to the exterior, wing, as a mysterious Thing stomps slowly toward the window, then does a low jump to pose menacingly in place ]

Husband: Honey! Honey, there's something out there!

Wife: What? Where?

Husband: On the wing! I saw... something!

Wife: Let me see...

[ she peers out the window, but the wing is now empty ]

Wife: I don't see anything there.

Husband: I SAW it!! I SWEAR!! I did!!

[ she rubs his shoulder assuringly, as he glances out the window again ]

[ the mysterious Thing is crouched low, smoking a cigarette. He notices the man staring at him, flicks the cigarette toward the window, then jumps back into his menacing pose. ]

Husband: There's something out there on the wing! [ to everyone ] THERE'S SOMETHING OUT THERE!! THERE'S SOMETHING OUT THERE!!

[ the Stewardess runs forward ]

Stewardess: Sir, what is going on?

Husband: There's a creature on the wing! It was smoking! Smoking on a plane!!

Stewardess: [ innocently ] Sir... everyone here is smoking on the plane.

[ reveal the other passengers casually smoking on the plane, one of the many perks of aviation in 1963 ]

Husband: But the thing! It was --

Stewardess: I don't see anything, sir. Now, try to get some rest, okay?

[ she walks away ]

Husband: [ cracking up ] I swear I saw it!

Wife: Honey, it's nothing. Just, please, get some rest.

Husband: Okay! Alright!

[ he seems relaxed, but can't help but look out the window again ]

[ reveal the Thing cooking barbecue on the wing, while wearing a "KISS ME, I'M REAL" t-shirt. He notices the man's glance, and poses menacingly once again. ]

Husband: AAGGGHHHH!!! My God, it's OUT there!!

Wife: WHAT is?!

Husband: I DON'T KNOW!! IT!! LOOK!!

Wife: [ she looks ] I don't see anything! What was it doing?!

Husband: It was making grilled cedar-black salmon! I think it likes fish!

Wife: Oh, Bob! Bob, stop! This is crazy! This storm is getting to you, just go to sleep!

Husband: [ collecting himself ] Okay... alright... I'll try.

[ he looks out the window once again, and sees the Thing on a walking machine. The Thing notices the man's stare, and thus jumps off into his menacing position. ]

Husband: OH!! NO!! It's exercising!! STEWARDESS!! IT'S EXERCISING!!

Stewardess: [ running forward ] Sir!

Husband: IT'S EXERCISING!!

Stewardess: Sir, stop it!! Calm down! Nothing is out there!

Husband: You can't see it?! It's toning up! It seems healthy and... dangerous!

Stewardess: Sir, do you need a pill? Hmm? Because, unless you calm yourself, we're going to have you arrested when you get on the ground! Now, can you settle down, sir?

Husband: Yes. Yes, I think I can. I -- I -- I'm okay.

[ she closes the window curtain ]

Stewardess: Now, we have a long flight. Just don't look out the window from now on. Can you do that, sir?

Husband: [ fumbling with his emotions ] I think so.

Stewardess: Good. Good night, sir.

[ she walks away ]

[ naturally, the man pulls back the curtain and peeks out the window again. The Thing is carrying a tiered cake from one stand to another. ]

Husband: Don't look! No, he's going to drop the cake! He's trying to get it to the judge's table! He -- he can't transfer that!

[ the Thing transfers the cake to the judge's table, then jumps low into his menacing position for the man ]

Husband: You're on a wing! It's impossible! [ he blinks his eyes ] No, it's fine. There's nothing there... there's nothing there! It's okay.

[ he looks out the window once more, and sees the Thing chatting it up with Pearl Jam. They all notice his stare and thus jump down into their menacing positions. ]

Husband: OH, NO!! OH, NO, NO, NO!! You have to stop that Thing!!

Stewardess: [ running forward ] Sir! You can't do this, sir!

Husband: No, no, no! I'm going out there!

Stewardess: No! Sir!

[ the man pries the window open, then screams as the Thing climbs in through the window ]

Thing: FINALLY!! I was freezing my BALLS off out there!! Geez! Make decisions much?! Man! [ to Stewardess ] Hey, I'm in 23-C. [ she points to the man's seat ] Oh. I'm sorry. Hey, I'm in 23-C?

Husband: That's, uh, that's my seat.

Thing: Oh. Uh -- [ he chuckles ]

Wife: I'm in 23-D.

Thing: Oh! Okay. I'm sorry. I hate to be a pain, but would you guys mind moving so that my wife and I could sit next to each other?

[ his own furry wife steps forward ]

Thing's Wife: Oh, I'm so sorry. Hi!

Husband: No, no, no, no -- of course!

Thing: Thank you so much!

Thing's Wife: Thank you so much!

[ they make their pleasantries and swap seats ]

Thing: Oh, wow! Finally, I can relax.

[ camera pans across the aisle to Rod Serling seated ]

Rod Serling: The nightmare in the sky is over, but, on the ground, a man who is deciding exercise for the very first time... is killed by a falling eliptical machine -- and, also, members of Pearl Jam. Another coincidence that can only happen... in The Twlight Zone.

[ cut to titles ]

[ fade ]


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