Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 18












09r: Tina Fey / Justin Bieber

A Message From the President of the United States

President Barack Obama.....Fred Armisen

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: The following is a message from the President of the United States, Barack Obama.

[ dissolve to Obama seated in Oval Office ]

President Barack Obama: Uh, good evening. Uh, by now I'm sure that every American household, uh, has received this form in the mail: [ ge holds up form ] It's the 2010 Census. And, uh, tonight, I'd like to take a few moments to explain why filling it out and, uh, returning it is so important.

Now, despite what you may have heard on, uh, FOX News, uh... the Census is not some Socialist plot to spy on the American people. Uh, it's the way our government collects data we need to have a functioning society. Uh, the Census is simple and it's straightforward. Uh, it's only ten questions long and all answers are strictly confidential. Uh, let's take a few minutes to fill it out together.

Alright. Uh -- Question 1: "How many people were living or staying in this house, apartment, or mobile home on April 1, 2010?" Simple enough.

Uh -- Question 2: "What is the name of each individual living at this address on April 1, 2010?" Alright.

Question 3: "How important is the role of fantasy in your sex life?"

"Uh -- and Part 3a: "For each member of the household, does sexual intercourse involve elements of a rough or aggresive nature, such as biting, slapping, choking, spitting, hair-pulling, or 'dirty talk'? Explain." Uh, now -- why do we ask this? Uh, it's how we obtain the data we need, uh, to plan mass transit and highway systems. And, uh, to ensure that each state is fairly represented by Congress.

Uh -- Question 4: "Do you sometimes fantasize about sex with individuals, other than your spouse, who were residing in this household on April 1, 2010, such as daughter, son, mother, father, sister, brother, foreign exchange student or elderly relative (grandmother, grandfather, etc.)? Explain." Uh, again, I remind you all answers are strictly confidential.

Question 5: "What bank do you use? What is your ATM pin number?"

Question 6: "Have any individuals residing in this household on April 1, 2010 criticized President Obama's health care reform plan? What are their names?" Now... what's this question about? Uh, look -- obviously, should, uh, health care reform recently passed by Congress, eventually involve, uh, rationing health care treatment -- and it might, no one really knows -- uh, we need to make sure medical care doesn't go to anyone who opposed the plan. [ he smiles ]

A related question: 6a. If some member of this household had to die, so that others might live, who should that be?"

Uh -- Question 7: "Do you think that Jews have too much influence on Wall Street and the media?" Uh -- again, all answers are confidential.

Question 8: "How many weapons are kept in this house, apartment, or mobile home? Where are they stored? At what time(s) of the day is this residence unoccupied?" Uh, what is the purpose of this question? It's so that, if we have to suspend the Constitution and declare martial law, the population can be quickly and easily disarmed.

Now, Question 9 is only for those whose primary language is Spanish: "Esta aqui ilegalmente?" "Are you here illegally?"

And, finally, Question 10: "What is the most embarrassing thing you've ever done? Explain." Uh, this last question, I admit, doesn't really have a purpose -- at least, right now. But, who knows? At some point, years down the road, you may be really glad we asked you.

Thank you for your time, and, "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


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