Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 18


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09r: Tina Fey / Justin Bieber

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

.....Seth Meyers
The Devil.....Jason Sudeikis
Aunt Linda.....Kristen Wiig
.....Tina Fey

Announcer: "Weekend Update" with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: I'm Seth Meyers, and here are tonight's top stories:

Tiger Woods on Thursday scored his best first round finish ever at the Masters, so surely that shall be his legacy.

Yesterday Supreme Court justice John Paul Stevens, the court's oldest member, announced plans to retire from the bench. As a young attourney, Stevens cut his teeth on the landmark case of Rock v. Fire.

Apple said Monday that it sold more than 300,000 iPads on the first day of its launch, ushering a new era of people buying things in order to find out what they are.

While testifying before Congress on Wednesday Alan Greenspan, the former chairman of the Federal Reserve said of his time in office, "I was wrong 30 percent of the time." Well, that's not bad. For a weather man, or a free-throw shooter, but you were the chairman of the Fed. We need the Fed to be on the pill, and you ran it on the rhythm method.

Seth Meyers: It's been a tough few weeks for the Catholic Church as allogations of abuse and cover-ups continue to surface from around the world. Here now to comment, the Devil.

[ The Devil rolls in on a chair ]

The Devil: Alright. Hey, thanks for having me Seth.

Seth Meyers: Yeah, it's good to have you.

The Devil: Did you, did you get that rash I sent you?

Seth Meyers: No.

The Devil: No? Oh, well you will.

Seth Meyers: OK.

The Devil: Yeah, yeah you will. But you're gonna have fun getting it, so...

Seth Meyers: Alright, OK.

The Devil: There you go. Alright, hey gang. So, look everybody, I'm the Devil. So, you know, I love evil, alright. It's my thing. And when bad things happen no one is happier than this guy, OK? But priests, messing with kids? No, no that crosses the line, that's just sick.

Seth Meyers: Oh, so you're acutally offended by the scandal.

The Devil: Oh yeah. What bothers me Seth, is the hypocrisy of it all, OK? I'm the Devil. What you see is what you get, OK? I rock the cape, I got the horns, I got the big salad fork, alright? [ shows his Devil's fork ] You know me. You know me, you know the score, alright? But a priest. You're supposed to be able to trust a priest. The whole thing just bums me out.

Seth Meyers: Well, I, you know I gotta say, you seem upset.

The Devil: Yeah, yeah, I am. And to make matters worse, a spokesman... A spokesman for the Vatican said that this was all, "the Devil's work." No, no, no, look, look, look - I do plagues, OK? I do earth quakes. I do all the training for Walgreens cashiers, alright? But I don't do no cover-up for child molesters, man! OK? I can't wait for these priests to show up on my turf, OK? We literally have a special place in Hell for them.

Seth Meyers: Oh yeah, where's that?

The Devil: Oh, it's awful, it's awful. It's a little bit further away from the elevator, you know, so that's inconvenient, as hell. And, uh, and they all have to share one bathroom, which is always out of paper towels. I mean, it's Hell, you know, so it's all pretty bad.

Seth Meyers: Yeah. So what happens when these priests get to Hell?

The Devil: Good question. They get registered, first thing. One of the things I'm proudest of in my time as Devil, which is eternity, is the... is the passing of Damien's Law, which requires any sex offender priest to register when he comes to Hell, because even demons and gargoyles have the right to know who they're living with.

Seth Meyers: That's very nice, that's a good rule.

The Devil: Thank you.

Seth Meyers: Now, Vatican spokespeople say these accusations about the Pope's conduct are just petty gossip.

The Devil: Yeah, yeah, you know, how about that, huh? That's something, isn't it? You know, I always thought that gossip was supposed to be fun, you know. Gossip is normally stuff like, "hey, did you hear how drunk Tracy from Reception got last night?" It's not, you know, "did you hear who was molested? Thousands of kids." That's not really water cooler talk, OK? Much less holy water cooler talk, if you ask this guy.

Seth Meyers: Yeah, no. So what do you think the church should do?

The Devil: Alright, well, protect its children, not its priests. Look Seth, most priests in the Church are upstanding, devout men, I won't argue that. But they need to do a better job stopping the creepy ones. I mean, if someone, anyone, ever touched a hair on my son's head, I would go crazy.

Seth Meyers: Oh, I'm sorry, who's your son?

The Devil: The TMZ guy. Do people not know that?

Seth Meyers: I don't think officially, but now that you say it it totally makes sense. So... so what's next for you?

The Devil: Well, you know, I'm gonna do what I do, you know. Keep whispering in people's ears to promote the world-wide spread of evil. You know, I still got my modelling career posing for hot sauce bottle labels. Oh, oh, oh! And we're starting prep work for the second season of Jersey Shore, so look out for that.

Seth Meyers: Well, look man, thank you for being here.

The Devil: Oh, that's nice, you know, I don't get that very often.

Seth Meyers: Alright. Well, the Devil, everybody!

FedEx announced this week that it will add four new electric trucks to its delivery fleet. Four electric trucks! Well, let me be the first to say, welcome back glaciers!

The makers of Scrabble announced Tuesday new rules for the game that will allow the use of people, places and other proper nouns, while the makers of Jenga announced new rules allowing the use of glue.

Several yoga studios in cities such as Boston, San Francisco and Los Angeles have begun offering male-only hot nude yoga classes. So enjoy those mats, next class!

It was reported this week that producers have begun casting for an Asian-American version of The Jersey Shore, although I don't know how successful the show will be, because this is their version of Snooki. [ SUPER: picture of dorky Asian girl playing the violin ]

Spirit Airlines has announced that in August it will start charing as much as $45 each way for a carry-on bag. News which should do wonders for the sale of cargo pants. [ SUPER: picture of a man wearing over-stuffed cargo pants ]

A 102-year-old woman in China has gone back to Elementary School to realize her dream of getting a diploma, and to realize the children's nightmare of seeing an old lady die. In order to not startle the kids, the lady was introduced as the classroom's new pet turtle.

Seth Meyers: Well, it's spring, so it's a good time to go see a movie. To give us her reviews of some of the ones that are out there, please welcome Aunt Linda!

[ Aunt Linda rolls in on a chair ]

Seth Meyers: So, Aunt Linda, I haven't seen you in like a year. What have you been up to?

Aunt Linda: Well, if you must know, Nosey O'Donnell, I have been travelling around Maryland trying different crabs.

Seth Meyers: Oh. That sounds nice.

Aunt Linda: Too many shells!

Seth Meyers: Well, we're glad you're here.

Aunt Linda: Yeah, well... I'm gonna start off now with a bang and discuss Clash of the Titans. Yes, more like Trash Needs Rewritin'! To be honest, the only reason I saw the thing was to find out why in the heck that Liam Neeson keeps screaming, "release the Kraken!"

Seth Meyers: And?

Aunt Linda: Well, I found out. It's because the movie smells like it came outta someone's Kraken, 'cause it stinks! Gah!

Seth Meyers: So I take it you didn't like that one.

Aunt Linda: I don't understand why all these 3D movies keep trying to outdo each other. CGI, 3D, oh brother. I got some letter for ya, FU! The only thing I did like about this movie is that I finally got to see a real-life Pegasus! Therefore I'm gonna give this film a "Whaaat?" and an "Oh, Brother!"

Seth Meyers: OK, why don't we just keep moving.

Aunt Linda: My next film is Tim Burton's adaptation of Alice In Wonderland. Or what I like to call it, "Alice In Wonder-If-Someone-Put-LSD-In-My-Crystal," like what is happening in this thing?! The story made no sense from the very beginning, there's too many colors! And the most distracting thing of all - Helen Obama Carter. [ SUPER: picture of Helena Bonham Carter in character ] Her head was shaped like a heart and her eyes were bugging out like a dead goldfish! Enough with the plastic surgery. So, anyway, I'm gonna give this one "Are You Serious?" and ten "Not This Time, Depp!"

Seth Meyers: Well... I heard some people liked it.

Aunt Linda: Not me. And now it's time for me to review the 216 movies that came out when I was gone. Let's begin. Invictus--

Seth Meyers: Oh, I'm sorry, hold on, I'm sorry... we don't have time for all this.

Aunt Linda: What? You said that I had 45 minutes!

Seth Meyers: No, I said you had 4 to 5 minutes.

Aunt Linda: Oh, cripes, well, I am not gonna leave without mentioning the two most influential movies of the year: Avatar, and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's The Tooth Fairy. I hated one and loved the other. Guess.

Seth Meyers: I bet you loved The Tooth Fairy.

Aunt Linda: Plink-o. Therefore, I give The Tooth Fairy a positive review, one "Finally" and three "Oh Yeauhhh." And I am happy to give Avatar a big, fat "You Gotta Be Tk-Tk-Tk Kidding Me."

Seth Meyers: Aunt Linda, everyone!

Aunt Linda: Team Bullock!

[ Aunt Linda rolls out ]

Seth Meyers: A spa in China has developed a new therapy treatment in which patients are wrapped in oil-soaked blankets and then set on fire. Make sure to ask for a happy ending, that's when they throw a bucket of water on you.

A new report warns that gonorrhea is increasingly becoming drug-resistent, and that this new strain of gonorrhea may be incurable. Oh God, I hope not. I do not have room in my life for another 5K walk.

KFC on Tuesday announced plans for the new KFC Double Down, a new breadless sandwich that uses two boneless chicken filets as the bun, with two pieces of bacon, two slices of cheese and some sauce in between. You can also get the combo which includes fries [ SUPER: picture of a piece fried chicken in a French fry container ] and a soda. [ SUPER: picture of a piece of fried chicken with a straw in it ] Or, for only a dollar more, a KFC cashier will stab you in the heart.

Seth Meyers: And now it's time for the latest instalment of "Women's News," with special "Women's News" correspondent Tina Fey!

[ Tina Fey rolls in on a chair ]

Tina Fey: Thanks, Seth. I think we can all agree that it's a great time to be a lady in America. We've got a lady Secretary of State, a lady Speaker of the House, and in what I see as a very positive step for women, the biggest bitch in Washington is John Baner. It's good times. Did you know that there a four women in space right now, for the first time in history? And the real sign of progress is that no one cares. Four women in space. Twenty years ago that would have only been possible in a porn movie. Now it's science. But all is not perfect in Lady Land. I am of course talking about the Oscar curse. The theory is that when a woman wins an Oscar her husband will cheat on her. That's not an Oscar curse, that's just a lady curse. Ask Tiki Barber's wife if she has an Oscar. Oh, you thought you snuck under the radar this week, didn't you Tiki? No. You left your wife when she was 8 months pregnant with twins. Women see that as leaving your wife when she is 16 months pregnant. We don't care for it. Look, there's no such thing as an Oscar curse. The curse is that there are women like "Bombshell" McGee walking around. Oh, brother. I now we shouldn't judge people based on their appearance, but when your body looks like dirtbag's binder from seventh-grade Metal Shop, it doesn't bode well for your character.

[ audience cheers ]

Tina Fey: You know, there's a term for women like "Bombshell" McGee, they're called "Bombshell" McGees. Seth, the world has always been full of whores. For every Sandra Bullock there's a woman who got a tattoo on her forehead because she ran out of room on her labia. For every Elin Nordegren there's a Hooters waitress who spells Jamie with two E's and a star. You could be the woman who cures cancer, and you would still be up against some skank rocking giant, veiny fake boobs where the nipples point in different directions like the headlights of an old Buick. But wives, you are not the losers in these situations, you are the winners, because this has to be the loser. "Bombshell" McGee, ugh, I know you're into like Nazi stuff and white supremacy, but if Hitler were alive today, even he would be like, "Arm Sandra Bullock ist so liebenswert!" [ SUBTITLED: Poor Sandra Bullock is so likeable ] He wouldn't like you, "Bombshell". So just keep succeeding, ladies. Things are hard enough for women as it is. For example, on my way here today I had to stop and get my leg and pubic hair ripped out so that I could wear a hooker costume later in a sketch that won't even air. Did you have to do that today Seth?

Seth Meyers: I didn't have to, but I did.

Tina Fey: You're a true friend to women.

Seth Meyers: For "Weekend Update" I'm Seth Meyers, and Tina Fey! Good night!

Tina Fey: Have a pleasant tomorrow.

[ Zoom out, fade ]


Submitted by: Maria Hartman


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