Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 19








09s: Ryan Phillippe / Ke$ha

Song Memories

Chris.....Jason Sudeikis
Will.....Will Forte
Ryan.....Ryan Phillippe
Bill.....Bill Hader

[ open on four buddies seated on lawn chairs in a back yard ]

Will: Man, we couldn't have picked a more perfect day!

Ryan: This is nice.

Chris: Yeah, and here's one more thing to make it a little bit nicer: some beers!

Bill: Alright. Looks like you got the good stuff for once.

Chris: Yeah, you know what? If my friends are gonna come to D.C. from all over the country, I don't mind spending a few extra bucks.

Ryan: Hey, who kidnapped Chris and replaced him with this guy?

[ they all laugh ]

Chris: Alright, okay. Point taken. Oh, but check this out: [ he picks up a boombox ] I also brought one of my old mix tapes. [ he presses Play ] Remember this?

[ it's Deep Blue Something's "Breakfast at Tiffany's", and the buddies are impressed ]

Chris: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I play this song in my office sometimes, it kind of calms me down.

Ryan: Yeah, how's it going at the hospital?

Chris: Mmm... good. You know? Real good, actually, uh -- I've been seeing this patient of mine. [ the buddies like this news ] Yeah, yeah... we are having this very crazy sexual relationship. I mean, uh -- she's wild! She will do anythinh!

Buddies: Nice!

Chris: I feel so bad about it though, you know, because she's a patient and it's nothing more than sex.

Will: Well, how does she feel about it?

Chris: I don't know. But if she ever woke up, she'd be furious!

Buddies: [ singing ]
"And I said, what about breakfast at Tiffany's?
She said, I think I remember the film
And as I recall, I think, we both kind of liked it
And I said, well, that's the one thing we've got!"

Bill: You know what this song reminds me of?

Chris: Hmm?

Bill: When I first met Jennifer.

Chris: Oh, yeah? How's that going lately?

Bill: Uhh -- not so great.

Will: Oh, sorry, man.

Bill: I was on a business trip and came home a day early, and I found her in bed with another dude. [ the buddies gasp ] Yeah, yeah, yeah... it was terrible. That guy was such a dirty skeez. You know, he's yelling all these smutty things at her. It was rough. I think he even gave her a venereal disease.

Ryan: Aw, man! What did you do?

Bill: Oh. When I found him, I just snapped. I beat the living crap out of the guy!

Ryan: Was he okay?

Bill: Not at the time. He seems fine now, you know? I guess he's a little bummed he didn't win the Masters, but, you know.

Buddies: [ singing ]
"And I said, what about breakfast at Tiffany's?
She said, I think I remember the film
And as I recall, I think, we both kind of liked it
And I said, well, that's the one thing we've got!"

Will: You know what this song reminds me of? Road trips.

Chris: Totally! Absolutely, yes. Hey, uh, you took a big trip about a month ago, right?

Will: Yep. Went to Asia.

Chris: Oh, yeah? How was that?

Will: It was incredible! I got to see and do so many new things. The peole were nice, the food was great, I ate at this amazing restaurant in China. You sit outside by these trees, and there was this waterfall there, and, while I was sitting there, I saw this cute little panda bear.

Chris: Aw, I bet he was sweet?

Will: Yeah, he was sweet. I mean, it was a combination of many tastes, but BOY was he delicious!

Buddies: [ singing ]
"And I said, what about breakfast at Tiffany's?
She said, I think I remember the film
And as I recall, I think, we both kind of liked it
And I said, well, that's the one thing we've got!"

Ryan: You guys know I love to go online and masturbate on Chat Roulette while I'm at work, right? [ the buddies nod ] And how I love to see the look on people's faces when they find me? [ the buddies nod ] Well... my boss caught me.

Chris: No! Really? That's terrible! D-do you think you'll get fired?

Ryan: I doubt it. He'll probably just transfer me to another parish.

Buddies: [ singing ]
"And I said, what about breakfast at Tiffany's?
She said, I think I remember the film
And as I recall, I think, we both kind of liked it
And I said, well, that's the one thing we've got!"

Chris: [ as he turns the volume down ] Man, it is SO great seeing you guys. Thanks for coming to D.C.

Ryan: No problem.

Bill: It's great to see you, man.

Chris: Yeah.

Ryan: You guys ready to do this?

Will: Absolutely!

Chris: Let's do it! Here we go!

[ they all stand and don Tea Party garb ]

Chris: Alright. [ screaming ] NO-BAMA!!

Buddies: NO-BAMAAAAA!!!!

[ they march offscreen, as patriotic music pots up and "THE END" appears onscreen in flag colors ]

[ fade ]


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