Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 19






















09s: Ryan Phillippe / Ke$ha

Mort Mort Feingold: Accountant to the Stars

Mort Mort Feingold.....Andy Samberg
Kate Gosselin.....Kristen Wiig
John Edwards.....Will Forte
Tyler Perry.....Kenan Thompson
Shaun White.....Abby Elliott
Robert Pattinson.....Ryan Phillippe
Kristen Stewart.....Jenny Slate
Susan Boyle.....Bobby Moynihan

[ open on title card ]

Jingle: "Mort Mort Feingold, Celebrity Accountant, doing taxes for the stars!"

Mort Mort Feingold: [ in circle ] That's me!

[ dissolve to Feingold's office door ]

[ dissolve to Feingold seated behind a desk swamped with stacks of tax papers ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay, Kate Gosselin!

[ reveal a frowny-faced Kate Gosselin ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Wait! Are you angry with me?

Kate Gosselin: No, I just look like this.

Mort Mort Feingold: Ah! Of course, you do. Okay, let's look at your 2009 tax returns. Now, uh, let's see -- it says here that you listed only one dependent? Uh -- and it's your dance partner.

Kate Gosselin: That's right.

Mort Mort Feingold: But, honey, you have eight children.

Kate Gosselin: No, I'm not on that show any more. I'm on a dancing show now.

Mort Mort Feingold: Uh-oh! Tova, call Social Services!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: "Elite! Discreet! Can't be beat! Mort Mort Feingold, accountant for the stars!"

[ dissolve to Feingold seated behind a desk swamped with stacks of tax papers ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay, John Edwards!

[ reveal a smiling John Edwards ]

John Edwards: Hi there, Mort Mort!

Mort Mort Feingold: Alright. Let's see -- under Dependents, you made two columns: Secret and Regular.

John Edwards: Yes, I did!

Mort Mort Feingold: And your marital status has changed from Married to... Disgusting!

John Edwards: [ bragging joyfully ] Well, I made a sex tape with a pregnant woman!

Mort Mort Feingold: Oh, that is disgusting, yes. Well, there's a change of address. First, you wrote "The White House", then that's crossed off... and then it says "Edwards' Residence", and that's crossed off... and then it just says "The Marriott, near 67 Highway". That's a bad Marriott, John!

John Edwards: I have to pay to use the toilet!

Mort Mort Feingold: Oo-ooh! I think we can write that OFF!!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: "He's a gem, he's a find, when you're in a bind! He's Mort Mort Feingold, accountant for the stars!"

[ dissolve to Feingold seated behind a desk swamped with stacks of tax papers ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Alright, Tyler Perry!

[ reveal Tyler Perry ]

Tyler Perry: Hello-o-o!

Mort Mort Feingold: Your income this year was: [ he opens a folder ] WOWIE-ZOWIE!! Two billion dollars!! How did you earn that?!

Tyler Perry: Well, I have two successful TV shows, and I made four hit movies about values.

Mort Mort Feingold: Then, how come I've never heard of any of them?

Tyler Perry: Because you're a tiny white man!

Mort Mort Feingold: [ nodding ] Guilty as charged!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: "He aims to please, for VIPs! Crunching the numbers is a breeze!"

[ dissolve to Feingold seated behind a desk swamped with stacks of tax papers ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay, Shaun White, you had a big year in '09!

[ reveal a hipster doofy Shaun White ]

Shaun White: That's right, bra! Ha-haa!

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay. Uh, now what is it that you do again?

Shaun White: I'm a snowboarder You know, I do TRICKS, like the Mule Kick, ha haaa!

Mort Mort Feingold: Ah-ha. And that's your full-time job and your only source of income?

Shaun White: For reals! Ah-ha-ha-haaaa!

Mort Mort Feingold: Right, right... Well, let me give you some financial advice: [ he picks up a megaphone and yells ] SAVE YOUR MONEY!!! Wow! I haven't brought out the megaphone since Obama Girl!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: "He says what he means! He smells like sardines! Mort Mort Feingold: the man loves sardines!"

[ dissolve to Feingold seated behind a desk facing Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart! It says here you made MILLIONS on those vampire movies!

Robert Pattinson: Yes, but what I really want to do are those serious dramas, like "Remember Me"...

Mort Mort Feingold: Yeah, yeah, no one cares! Look, you make TOO much money to look this terrible! Sweetie, why don't you get your boyfriend a new set of clothes?

Kristen Stewart: We never said we were dating.

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay, but you are. Shush, shush, shush, shush! Robert, you walk around with a wet head like that, you're gonna catch a cold! And quit slouching! You're making sit up straight money on these, uh... [ he consults his folder ] What do you call these movies?

Robert Pattinson: "Twilight".

Mort Mort Feingold: "Twlight"? Oh, that reminds me: I gotta be home before sundown! [ he smiles ]

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: "He's worked for Brandos! He's worked for Randos! Mort Mort Feingold has a place in Orlando!"

[ dissolve to Feingold seated behind a desk swamped with stacks of tax papers ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Well, well! Mel Gibson!

[ reveal a glum Mel Gibson ]

Mort Mort Feingold: You made a movie this year, you're working again, and you need an accountant!

Mel Gibson: [ pleading ] Look, Mort, I'm willing to pay you fifteen per cent.

Mort Mort Feingold: NO!! Not after the things you said! You perpetuated VILE stereotypes about the Jewish people and for that I will NEVER work with you!!

Mel Gibson: [ desperate ] SIXTEEN per cent!

Mort Mort Feingold: [ holds his pose, them smiles ] Me-e-e-e-e-ellll!!!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: "He works for you, he's four foot two! Mort Mort Feingold, accountant for the stars!"

[ dissolve to Feingold seated behind a desk swamped with stacks of tax papers ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay, Susan Boyle!

[ reveal the manly-looking Susan Boyle ]

Susan Boyle: Hi!

Mort Mort Feingold: So, it says here that your income for 2008 was: [ he opens a folder ] One dollar!

Susan Boyle: Aye.

Mort Mort Feingold: And your income for 2009 was: [ he looks in the folder ] CORNED BEEF!! $900 million dollars!!

Susan Boyle: [ humbly ] It was.

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay. And then for 2010 your projected income is again: one dollar!

Susan Boyle: That sounds right.

Mort Mort Feingold: Well, here's some good news: I was able to legally classify all your record sales as charity!

Susan Boyle: [ singing ] "I dreamed a dreeeeeeammmm!!"

Mort Mort Feingold: You certainly did, you bruiser!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: "Mort Mort Feingold!"

[ fade ]


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