Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 19












09s: Ryan Phillippe / Ke$ha

Underground Rock Minute

Thrilla Killa Klown.....Ryan Phillippe
Ass Dan.....Bobby Moynihan
Lil Blaster.....Nasim Pedrad
DJ Super Soak.....Jason Sudeikis

FADE IN:

[ VARIOUS CRUDE ANIMATION DRAWINGS ]

Announcer: Stankmouth Soda presents the “Underground Rock Minute”!! Bringing you all the latest in underground rock and r-a-a-a-d-d!!!

[ TITLE: UNDERGROUND ROCK MINUTE ]

[ INT. UNDERGROUND ROCK MINUTE STUDIOS – DAY ]

[ DJ Super Soak & Lil’ Blaster stand side by side. ]

DJ Super Soak: Ha-ha! What’s up ninjas!? It’s DJ Super Soak again!

Lil Blaster: And I’m Lil’ Blaster!!

DJ Super Soak: Today, we’re gonna show you the new video from the Thrilla Killa Klownz!

[ Publicity still of ASS DAN and his THRILLA KILLA KLOWN partner. Both are wearing baggy, white clothes and matching facial paint and Asian inspired tattoos on their necks. ]

[ BACK TO STUDIO ]

Lil Blaster: You may know their previous violent songs like, “I’m Gonna Stab Ya Face!” and “Curb-Stomp Your Enthusiasm”.

DJ Super Soak: Ah!! Love that song! But this song takes the band in a whole new direction!

Lil Blaster: True, true… it’s got a positive message and yo! It makes you think!!

DJ Super Soak: That’s right! Here’s Thrilla Killa Klownz with “Magical Mysteries”.

[ CUT TO MUSIC VIDEO ]

[ CORNER TEXT: ]
[ THRILLA KILLA KLOWNZ ]
[ “MAGICAL MYSTERIES” ]
[ UNDER-UNDERGROUND RECORDS ]

Ass Dan: Ha-ha! There’s so many confusing things out there!

Thrilla Killa Klown: Well get your magnifying glasses out, ninjas! We’re going to take a closer look at life!!

Both: [singing]
“The world is full of magical mysteries,
Puzzles unsolved since ancient history.”

Ass Dan: [singing]
“Where does sand leave at night?”

[ Both men are in black and white pictures. ]

Thrilla Killa Klown: [singing]
“Did people used to really live in black and white?
Is the world round or is it flat?
How come no one can tell me that?”

Ass Dan: [singing]
“What’s with islands?
Get more land!!”

Thrilla Killa Klown: [singing]
“What’s with deserts?
Get less sand!!
What is Alaska?
Who is Brazil?
Isn’t a volcano just an angry hill?”

Ass Dan: [singing]
“How did God even think of dirt?
Erasable pens make my head hurt!”

Both: [singing]
“Metal, girls, iron, fire!
How’d they get my voice in a telephone wire!?”

Ass Dan: [singing]
“Why are pants different than shirts?”

Thrilla Killa Klown: [singing]
“Blankets!? How do they work?”

Chorus (V/O): “The world is full of mysteries…”

Ass Dan: Yo! How do suitcases always know where to meet you? Huh?

Chorus (V/O): “So many magical mysteries…”

Thrilla Killa Klown: Are kids small? Or just far away?”

Chorus (V/O): “So many magical mysteries…”

Ass Dan: Why do some mountains look like Presidents?

Thrilla Killa Klown: What the fuck is a clock?

Ass Dan: Now’s here’s a list of some stuff - -

Thrilla Killa Klown: [singing]
“Trees, swans, capes, a horse…”

Ass Dan: [singing]
“Triangles, witches…”

[ Another horse appears. ]

Thrilla Killa Klown: [singing]
“A different horse!”

Ass Dan: [singing]
“The world has 10,000 people…”

Thrilla Killa Klown: [singing]
“And Santa Claus created all of us equal…”

[ A young boy & girl are dressed like Ass Dan. ]

Thrilla Killa Klown: [singing]
“Ass Dan’s kids look just like Ass Dan!”

[ Two similar dressed kids are next to Ass Dan. ]

Thrilla Killa Klown: [singing]
“And my two kids just look like Ass Dan!”

[ Thrilla ponders on the lyric he just recited. ]

Ass Dan: [singing]
“So with every note, let it bounce off your brain!!”

Thrilla Killa Klown: [singing]
“The mysteries of life can’t be explained!”

Ass Dan: [singing]
“So fuck you books!
We don’t need your tricks!”

[ Thrilla grabs his crotch. ]

Thrilla Killa Klown: [singing]
“And all you scientists
Can suck on this!”

[ Both men shake hands. ]

Ass Dan: Ah yeah, ninjas!!!

Thrilla Killa Klown: Life is a beautiful thing!

Ass Dan: Take two, fresh! Ass Dan! 2010! Ha-ha!

[ EXTREME CLOSE-UP OF ASS DAN ]

Ass Dan: I’m gonna live forever! Ha-ha!

[ FREEZE FRAME IN B/W ]

[ SOMBER MUSIC ]

[ SUPER: “ASS” DAN, 1981-2010 ]

[ BACK IN STUDIO ]

DJ Super Soak: Oh yeah! Oh yeah! That was tight! But for real, on a serious note, Ass Dan did just die while we were playing that video there.

[ Lil’ Blaster’s fighting back the tears. ]

Lil Blaster: [quivering] Whoop-whoop!

DJ Super Soak: That’s all the time we got for the “Underground Rock Minute”!

Lil Blaster: I’m Lil’ Blaster!

DJ Super Soak: And I’m DJ Super Soak! Get your crunk on! Whoo-hoo-hoo!!!

[ A BLACK AND WHITE PHOTO OF DJ SUPER SOAK ]

[ SOMBER MUSIC ]

[ SUPER: IN MEMORY, DJ SUPER SOAK, 1974-2010 ]

END


Submitted by: Cody Downs


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