Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 19

09s: Ryan Phillippe / Ke$ha

Teen Talk

Roger Brush.....Fred Armisen
Leonard.....Bill Hader
Rudy.....Ryan Phillippe
Shelby.....Nasim Pedrad
Janelle.....Kristen Wiig
Toby.....Andy Samberg

[ open on program montage ]

Announcer: You're watching "Teen Talk", with Dr. Kathy Carson. The show that helps teen learn to deal with the problems and issues that face today's teenager. Dr. Kathy is a licensed psychologist, with a unique ability to relate to teens on their level. And now, Dr. Kathy Carson.

[ dissolve to the set, where producer Roger Brush sits ]

Roger Brush: Yeah... Dr. Kathy is sick. I'm Roger Brush, I'm the producer of this show. Dr. Kathy's fiance called to tell me it was coming out of both ends. She's using a toilet and a tub -- how about that! [ he smiles ] So I said, "Take the day off, I'm gonna cover the show." Uh, let's go to the audience and see who's got a problem. Leonard, who do we have?

Leonard: This is Rudy. He's 13.

Roger Brush: Look at all these teenagers! What's your problem, kid?

Rudy: [ nervous ] Um... I noticed that... in gym class... a lot of guys are developing faster than me? Uh... when is it normal to get pubic hair?

Roger Brush: Buddy, I can't hear a WORD you're saying! You can't -- you can't MUMBLE like that!

Rudy: [ shaking ] When should I be getting pubic hair?

Roger Brush: Kid! You have to get right up on that mike! Nobody can hear you!

Rudy: I'm embarrassed because I don't have any pubic hair... is that normal?!

Roger Brush: [ bewildered ] You don't have any pubic hair?! What kind of question is that?!

Leonard: He just needs some reassurance that this is a normal thing.

Roger Brush: Well, I don't know HOW normal that is! Hell, when I was 12 I had a bush as big as a Hawaiian pineapple top! I mean, but that was the 70's, so who knows? Does that help?

Rudy: N-no?

Roger Brush: Well, I don't know what to tell ya'! I'm up here knocking myself out trying to help you! You're up there saying -- you're looking at me, saying, "No!" You know, where does that leave me?! Who's next?

Leonard: This is Shelby Winters, she's 14.

Shelby: This is kind of embarrassing, but... I'm having trouble with acne.

Roger Brush: What?! Sweetheart! If you're talking to me, I can't hear a WORD you're saying!

Shelby: I said, I'm having acne pimples? And it's embarrassing, because I'm starting to find them in my armpits.

Roger Brush: Okay, I'm just going to say this out loud to EVERYBODY: You gotta get RIGHT UP on that mike and HOLLAR!! Otherwise, you're wasting everybody's time! Let's -- honey, let's try that again!

Shelby: I'm saying I have pimples under my armpit.

Roger Brush: You got PIT BULLS?! What? Where?

Shelby: Nooooo! Pimples! Under my armpits!

Roger Brush: Sweetheart, that's just gross! You -- you know, you gotta CLEAN under there! You know, ask your mom to buy you a washcloth. Alright? Promise me that!

Shelby: That doesn't sound like something Dr. Kathy would say...

Roger Brush: Well, I don't know what to TELL ya'! Dr. Kathy isn't here! She's sick! All the magic in the world isn't gonna make her appear! You got two choices: Either keep complaining, or write down my advice and go do it! Okay? I could CARE LESS!! [ he grins mischieviously ] Okay, sweetheart? Thank you! Who's next?

Leonard: This is Janelle. Uh... she's 15.

Janelle: [ mumbling ] Um... my family... just moved to northern Florida, and nobody at Todd Central High School will talk to me. How do I make friends?

Roger Brush: Oh -- oh, I have a new rule: If I can't hear you, we're DONE!! NEXT!!

Leonard: This is Toby, uh... he's 14 and a half.

Toby: Um... how do I put this? I think I rubbed my thing raw, and, you know, it's hard to walk. Am I doing it too much, huh?

Roger Brush: I -- I -- I don't want to hear about this, that's DISGUSTING!!

Leonard: I think he just needs assurance that he's not alone.

Toby: Yeah, you're supposed to help me!

Roger Brush: Well -- I don't care to hear it! What you do on your own time is your own business!

Toby: But... it hurts!

Roger Brush: [ laughing and sputtering ] What do you want from me?! I don't know! Play with it 'til it falls off!

Toby: [ aghast ] Wha...?

Roger Brush: Young man, you're being RUDE! Okay, who's next?

Leonard: [ looking around ] No one wants to go.

Roger Brush: Okay, good. You know what, I'm ready for a break, anyway. When we come back, fashion expert Toni St. Saint is gonna show us some prom fasions for the plus-size girl. [ bug-eyed ] What?! Good luck with that! Uhhh -- [ he chuckles ] We'll be right back!

[ fade ]

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