09u: Betty White / Jay-Z
2010 Census Taker
Census Taker.....Tina Fey
Lee Smith..... Betty White
[Outside of Apartment]
[Census Taker knocks on the door, and Lee Smith opens the door.]
Census Taker: Hello ma’am, I’m a census taker with the U.S. Census Bureau.
Lee Smith: Oh terrific. Good for you, bye. [Starts to shut door]
Census Taker: [Re-open door] Hang on, um… you never returned your 2010 Census form, so if I could just ask you a few questions.
Lee Smith: Absolutely dear. Will I need a calculator?
Census Taker: No ma’am.
Lee Smith: ‘Cause I have one, but I took the batteries out to use them in a crotch massager.
Census Taker: No. You will not need a calculator. Uh… first question. How many people live at this residence?
Lee Smith: Zero.
Census Taker: You don’t live here?
Lee Smith: Oh, including me? Three.
Census Taker: Ok, well I’m gonna put you down as the primary resident.
Lee Smith: Terrific.
Census Taker: Now, how would you describe your race or ethic origin?
Lee Smith: Well, superior to Asians, but not as intelligent as Blacks.
Census Taker: Whoops! Let me clarify. Which of the following describes you? White, Asian, Hispanic, Pacific Islander…
Lee Smith: Oh, Pacific Islander, let’s try that… and don’t skimp on the rum.
Census Taker: Uh… what is your last name, ma’am?
Lee Smith: BLAAAFENGAR!
Census Taker: Can you spell that for me?
Lee Smith: S-M-I-T-H.
Census Taker: And that’s pronounced…
Lee Smith: BLAAARFENGAR!
Census Taker: Not Smith?
Lee Smith: They changed it at Ellis Island when I was there two weeks ago on a bingo cruise.
Census Taker: Okay. And your first name?
Lee Smith: BLAAARFENGAR!
Census Taker: And that’s spelt?
Lee Smith: L-E-E.
Census Taker: So your name is Blaarfengar Blaarfengar spelt Lee Smith?
Lee Smith: Well back in school, they had to call me Blaarfengar B. because there was another girl in the class named Lee Jarvis.
Census Taker: Ok… sure. Uh… are there any people living in this residence part-time?
Lee Smith: Oh… goodness yes. There’s Fluffy, Princess, Tigger, Socks…
Census Taker: Oh… and these are people we’re talking about here and not cats, right.
Lee Smith: There’s really no war of knowing. Sometimes when I see their big eyes looking up from my lap, I think that’s definitely a homeless guy in a fur coat.
Census Taker: Honestly Ms. Blaarfengar, the government is just trying to ascertain…
Lee Smith: Oh, Ascertain. That used to be my stripper name, but they recently changed it to BLAAARFENGAR.
Census Taker: Ok, you know what… we’re done.
Lee Smith: Oh good. You have a good day, sir.
Lee Smith: Fluffy, get down from there.
Fluffy: Oh, I was chasing a mouse.
Submitted by: Adam Rapfogel