Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21










09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

MacGruber

MacGruber.....Will Forte
Vicky.....Kristen Wiig
Nana.....Betty White

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
"MacGruber!
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
MacGruber!
Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations!
MacGruber!
He's working with his Grandma now!"

[CUT to MacGruber and scooterbound Nana in a karate pose against footage of flames.]

Singers: "MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!"

[CUT to a hijacked insane asylum. SUPERIMPOSE caption, "Hijacked Insane Asylum." CUT to a sign marked "Asylum Control Room" as sirens wail.]

Nana: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door is sealed shut!

Vicky: And from the looks of that time bomb, we've only got 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Okay, don't worry, gang. The only bombs we're gonna have to watch out for are the SAKI bombs that we're gonna drink when we get out of here. And we will get out of here.

Vicky: Fifteen seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay! Uh -- Vicky -- hand me that bottle cap!

Vicky: You got it, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay! Nana!

Nana: MacGruber, what do we say when someone does something nice for us?

MacGruber: Right, right, uh -- Thank you, Vicky, for the bottle cap.

Vicky: You're welcome, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Nana! Scooter me over that gum wrapper!

Nana: MacGruber-r-r-r?

MacGruber: Uh -- uh -- Please! Please!

[ Nana scooters forward ]

MacGruber: Okay, uh -- Vicky! Please, that eraser thingy!

Vicky: You got it, MacGruber! You're welcome!

MacGruber: Okay, let's see what we got here...

Nana: [ reminiscing ] You know, he used to fingerpaint on the walls with his little poopies.

MacGruber: Nana, now is not the time!

Nana: We called him "Poop-casso"!

MacGruber: She didn't say that.

Nana: He breastfed until he was twelve years old.

MacGruber: Okay! Can we focus, please?!

Nana: He had his first kiss when he was sixteen! How is Barry, by the way?

MacGruber: Nana, I'm asking you very nicely! Please, thank you, stop!

Nana: You know, when he was born, they thought he was a girl for two whole months because they couldn't find his wee-wee!

MacGruber: Nana!

Nana: It's called "micro-penis."

MacGruber: SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU OLD LADY!! WITH YOUR WHITE HAIR AND YOUR... WALKING PROBLEM!!

Vicky: MacGruber!

MacGruber: I'm sorry, Nana... [ Nana is shocked ] I'm under a lot of stress here! I mean, I gotta diffuse this bomb --

[CUT to the insane asylum exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]


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