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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 221

09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers


Gram Lampton.....Alec Baldwin
Penny Schmeer.....Kristen Wiig
Alternate Gram.....Kenan Thompson
Alternate Penny.....Bobby Moynihan

Announcer: [ over card ] The following is a paid advertisement for the Gram Lampton "Timecrowave".

[ dissolve to set with microwave positioned in front of the window ]

Gram Lampton: Hi, I'm Gram Lampton.

Penny Schmeer: And I'm two-time Miss Indiana runner-up, Penny Schmeer. Hey, Gram, nice to see ya'!

[ the two are obviously reading from cue cards ]

Gram Lampton: Nice to be here, Penny!

Penny Schmeer: Boy, have we got a special treat for you today.

Gram Lampton: We sure do, Penny. You know, the world is moving fast these days, and the last thing I need to do is waste time waiting around for my food.

Penny Schmeer: [ cheerily ] What do you mean?

Gram Lampton: You know how it is: You take it out of the freezer, put it in the microwave, wait two minutes, turn it, pop it back in, and wait another two minutes.

Penny Schmeer: Ugh, wow... that sounds like a NIGHTMARE!

Gram Lampton: You said it, Penny. That's why I've invented... [ points to his creation ] The Timecrowave!

Penny Schmeer: Hmm. Timecrowave?

Gram Lampton: That's right, the Timecrowave. It's the only microwave equipped with time travel capabilities.

Penny Schmeer: How does it work?

Gram Lampton: It's simple. [ Timecrowave hums ] I'm hungry right now. So I just open my Timecrowave, and... [ he pulls out a TV dinner ] Voila! My roast beef dinner is waiting for me, and it's piping hot!

Penny Schmeer: [ chuckling ] Wow! That looks delicious! But where did that food come from?

Gram Lampton: [ matter-of-factly ] The future!

Penny Schmeer: Come on!

Gram Lampton: I'm serious. Later on, when I'm done eating the roast beef dinner, all I have to do is take a roast beef dinner out of the freezer, put it in the Timecrowave, then send it BACK in time, to the EXACT time that I pulled out the hot meal earlier.

Penny Schmeer: Sounds simple. Now, what happens if you forget to send your meal back in time?

Gram Lampton: Well, Penny, if you forget to send the exact meal you ate back in time, you'll create a paradox, where small differences may start to occur in the space-time continuum.

[ Penny's hair is now shorter, curlier, and blonde ]

Penny Schmeer: Oh, boy! Just because you want your food fast, you might cause a paradox in time? I don't know, Gram... isn't that kind of dangerous?

[ Gram now sports a full moustache ]

Gram Lampton: It could be. The differences could range from very small, to changing history. But I'm sure that something like that will never happen!

[ Penny now sports a shaggy moustache of her own ]

Penny Schmeer: Well, this I've got to hear! How have you done that, Gram?

[ Gram is now a Black man ]

Gram Lampton: You see... each meal comes with a card that reminds you you must put the original frozen meal in the Timecrowave and send it back in time.

[ Penny is now a transvestite male ]

Penny Schmeer: Oh! [ she laughs ] That DOES sound safe! Seems like you've thought of EVERYTHING!

[ Gram is now back to normal ]

Gram Lampton: And it works for people like me. You know, I'm always forgetting things: "Where are my car keys?" "Where are my gloves?"

[ Penny is now back to normal, though the American flags down the street outside the window now have Nazi emblems ]

Penny Schmeer: [ laughing ] Now, Gram... how do you know your food has been sent back in time?

Gram Lampton: Well, after you press the START button, you will feel a low-grade electrical charge in your body. That's how you know that it's working.

Penny Schmeer: Oh. Sounds like a snap! Now, tell me, how is the food cooked?

[ over animated demonstration ]

Gram Lampton: Well... it's the time-travel that cooks it. A blast of cosmic radiation creates a tight seal around the frozen dinner. As it travels back from time, thousands of micro-tryhedrian time particles pass through the food, causing it to steam in its own juices.

[ Gram now has horns coming out of his head ]

Gram Lampton: And that's how it creates the prefect dinner, every time!

[ Penny also has horns coming out of her head, and the exterior window view is covered with apocalyptic flames ]

Penny Schmeer: Sounds delicious!

Gram Lampton: Remember that dinner I pulled out at the beginning of the show, Gwyntyth?

Penny Schmeer: Oh, yeah -- of course I remember the dinner from earlier. The one you said we need to remember to send back in time.

[ Gram is now dressed as Dr. Zaius from "The Planet of the Apes" ]

Gram Lampton: Yes. I was going to set the Timecrowave to the date in time we pulled it out. [ he opens the Timecrowave door ] Now, I just pop this chicken dinner in and send it back in time. [ he presses buttons ]

[ the exterior window view reveals the Statue of Liberty waistdeep in sand ]

Penny Schmeer: Wait a minute, Gram... Did you say chicken? I -- i'm not sure, but wasn't it a roast beef dinner?

[ Gram is now back to normal ]

Gram Lampton: Oh! Was it? Are you sure? I'm sure nothing bad will happen.

[ the Timecrowave dings ]

[ the exterior window view now reveals a giant kitty cat looking in and making a threatening meowing sound ]

Announcer: [ over card ] We'll be right back with Gram Lampton's "Timecrowave", after this.

[ loud meowing sound effect ]

[ fade ]

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