Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 22












09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Whistle If You Can

Ben Mankiewicz.....Bill Hader
Businessman.....Alec Baldwin
Prostitute.....Jenny Slate

[ open on animated TCM logo ]

[ dissolve to Ben Mankiewicz ]

Ben Mankiewicz: Welcome back to Turner Classic Movies. I'm Ben Mankiewicz. We're in the middle of the 1952 drama, "Whistle If You Can", starring Preston Wbb as a wealthly businessman, and Merna Fontaine as a hooker with a heart of gold. Let's watch.

[ dissolve to Las Vegas exterior ]

[ dissolve to interior, hotel room ]

Prostitute: Ooh, this is some place! You must be some kind of a bigshot!

Businessman: Nice, huh?

Prostitute: Never been in this hotel before. So, tell me, Mr. Businessman... [ she sits on the edge of the bed ] What's your pleasure?

Businessman: Whoa! Slow down.

Prostitute: Slow down? [ she chuckles ] Candy's just getting started!

Businessman: No. Stop. Look, I just want to talk.

Prostitute: Talk?

Businessman: Yeah. I just want to get to know you as a person.

Prostitute: It's your time.

Businessman: Tell me: What did you want to be before you started "turning tricks"?

Prostitute: Oh, what is this?! 20 Questions?

Businessman: No, really. I want to know.

Prostitute: I don't know! [ she sighs ] It's silly, but I... I guess I, kinda, always wanted to be a dental hygeinist.

Businessman: I don't think that's silly. What's your name?

Prostitute: I told you it's Candy.

Businessman: No, no. Your real name. The one your mother gave you.

Prostitute: My mother?

Businessman: Does she even know you're doing this?

Prostitute: My mother? She lives in Nebraska, I... I haven't spoken to her in years.

Businessman: Maybe you should call her.

Prostitute: Maybe she doesn't want to hear from me.

Businessman: Funny thing about mothers: They always answer the phone. [ he hands the phone to her ]

Prostitute: [ she dials ] Mama! It's me! Yeah... yeah, I miss you, too. No, I'm okay. Yeah, Mama. I'll be home for Christmas. [ she laughs, then cradles the phone ] Well, whaddaya know, I... I guess she still loves me!

Businessman: Of course, she does.

Prostitute: Thanks. Oh, and Mister? It's Gertrude. My name, that is.

Businessman: Gertrude. That's a very nice name.

Prostitute: Thank you.

Businessman: Gertrude... give me a hand job.

Prostitute: [ flustered ] What?!

Businessman: Give me a hand job, Gertrude!

Prostitute: I don't understand! I thought you said you wanted to talk?!

Businessman: Well, yeah -- that's what turns me on. First, I get a prostitute to... talk about her life, then I make her call her mom while I watch, then I get your real name, and then... HANDY!

Prostitute: Yeah. Well, that is SICK!

Businessman: Well, to quote you, a hooker: It's my dime.

Prostitute: Okay, fine. But I want the ten bucks up front!

Businessman: I'm only gonna pay you $7.50.

Prostitute: Well, what gives?!

Businessman: That call was a long-distance call.

Prostitute: Sooooome big shot!

Businessman: [ pointing toward his crotch ] Let's go.

[ "THE END" appears on-screen, as the theme flourishes ]

[ fade ]


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