Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Bonus Episode 1




















Weekend Update Thursday 2

Obama Interviews

Aide.....Kristen Wiig
President Barack Obama.....Fred Armisen
Stuart Scott.....Kenan Thompson
Kathy Griffin.....Nasim Pedrad
Glenn Beck.....Jason Sudeikis
Kristen Cavallari.....Abby Elliott
Guy Fieri.....Bobby Moynihan
Teenage Vampire.....Andy Samberg
Keith Morrison.....Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, Oval Office ]

[ dissolve to interior ]

Aide: Mr. President, we're ready for the interviews.

President Barack Obama: Okay. Ready to go. [ he sits ] Who's up first?

Aide: Let's see, um -- [ she consults her list ] So, on Sunday we did NBC, CBS, ABC, CNN, and Univision.

President Barack Obama: Uhhh -- that's right. I want to get the health care message out to as wide an audience as possible. I don't want to shut anyone out of this debate.

Aide: How about FOX News?

President Barack Obama: Nope!

Aide: Uh -- well, today we have some cable channels.

President Barack Obama: Great! Let's do it.

Aide: Next up is ESPN.

[ cut to ESPN logo in front of Oval Office exterior ]

[ dissolve to Stuart Scott ]

Stuart Scott: Boo-yah!! And, Mr. President, you are in the Coors' Light hot seat!

President Barack Obama: Great.

Stuart Scott: Now, your health plan -- would you say it's strong like Shaq, or smooth like Kobe?

President Barack Obama: Uhh, I like to think it's the best of both -- like LeBron.

[ they bump fists ]

Stuart Scott: Holla out a player when he's fixing health care! Mr. President, you're off the Coor's Light hot seat!

President Barack Obama: Thank you. Thank you. [ to ?? ] Uh, who's next?

Aide: We have the Bravo Network.

[ cut to Bravo logo in front of Oval Office exterior ]

[ dissolve to Kathy Griffin ]

Kathy Griffin: Uh -- hi! Kathy Griffin here! Okay! Uhhhh -- here... we... go! Will... there... be... health care... for gays?

President Barack Obama: Uhhh -- I certainly hope so.

Kathy Griffin: Uh, okay! Uh, but can you not give it to three specific gays who I hate? Perez Hilton, my ex-stylist Julio, and Spencer Pratt. And, yes... he is!

President Barack Obama: Uhhh -- well, Kathy, my bill would cover ALL Americans, even Spencer Pratt.

Kathy Griffin: Ugh! Get a room!

President Barack Obama: Uh, Carol? Who's next?

Aide: Are you sure you don't want to speak to FOX News? Who knows, maybe they can be fair and balanced.

President Barack Obama: Really? Let's check in with Glenn Beck. [ he clicks the television on ]

Glenn Beck: [ in front of chalkboard ] Hey! If I write down the name OBAMA! We can re-arrange the letter and spell AROMA! And I don't like what I'm smelling! And for those of you saying, "Aw, hey, Glen! Uh, those letter don't actually re-arrange to spell that!" Well, to you, I say: [ in thick German accent, with a sieg heil ] "In Muzza Russia they do!"

[ Obama clicks the television off ]

Aide: Alright. Up next is M-TV's Kristen Cavallari, from "The Hills".

President Barack Obama: Great.

[ cut to M-TV logo in front of Oval Office exterior ]

[ dissolve to Kristen Cavallari ]

Kristen Cavallari: Mr. President! It's just, like, our WHOLE health care system is, like, I don't even know! It's, like, just STUPID! It's, like, DRAMA! It's like --

[ as she rambles on and on with great incoherence, President Obama just stares at her like he has no idea how to comprehend this person ]

President Barack Obama: Uhh -- I'm sorry. Was that a question?

Kristen Cavallari: [ humbled ] Thank you, Mr. Presidennnnt!

President Barack Obama: [ to Aide ] Uh -- next, please.

Aide: Uh -- the Food Network. It's Guy Fieri.

[ cut to Food Network logo in front of Oval Office exterior ]

[ dissolve to Guy Fieri ]

Guy Fieri: [ holding a food plate ] Here's my health care plan! TWO beef patties! Quarter-melt onion ring! Chili cheese fries! All piled on top of tortilla chips! [ he laughs maniacally ]

President Barack Obama: [ shaking his head ] Uh, yeah -- that doesn't seem like a viable plan.

Guy Fieri: You didn't let me finish! We top it all off with... [ he grabs a pitcher ] a little LIQUID QUESO! [ he laughs maniacally ]

[ President Obama just stares at Fieri, until the Food Network host nods his head and takes the hint ]

Guy Fieri: I'll show myself out. [ he exits ]

President Barack Obama: [ to Aide ] Uh, next?

Aide: Uh... well, next, there's someone from the CW. [ excited ] Oh! A teenage vampire!

[ cut to CW logo in front of Oval Office exterior ]

[ dissolve to Teeange Vampire ]

Teeange Vampire: [ laid-back ] Hey... [ makes finger-quotes ] "O-ba-ma."

President Barack Obama: I'm sorry -- what show are you from again?

Teeange Vampire: I don't know... one of them vampire shows. Look, just give us some BLOOD, dude! Or dough -- whatever! You're not the BOSS of me!! [ he stands and exits, then quickly turns back and hisses at Obama ]

Aide: [ stepping forward ] Uh -- and, finally, NBC.

President Barack Obama: I thought we did NBC?

Aide: [ meekly ] It's someone else.

President Barack Obama: [ disgusted ] Oh, please, God... don't tell me it's Brian Williams! Give that guy one day of access, and now he's acting like we went to CAMP together.

Aide: Worse. It's Keith Morrison, from "Dateline".

[ Obama sighs ]

[ cut to Dateline logo in front of Oval Office exterior ]

[ dissolve to a smiling Keith Morrison ]

Keith Morrison: Tell me more about these... DEATH panels!

President Barack Obama: Ummmmm....

Keith Morrison: [ squealing ] Ohhhhhh??

President Barack Obama: Iiiiiiiii....

Keith Morrison: Ye-ye-ye-ye-yeahhhh!

President Barack Obama: Yeahhhh, okay. Uh... I think we're done. [ to Aide ] Good work, Carol.

Aide: Um -- any comment for FOX News?

President Barack Obama: Just tell them: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


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