Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 1

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

Guest Writer:

September 25th, 2010

Amy Poehler

Katy Perry


Justin Timberlake

Rachel Dratch

Tina Fey

Jimmy Fallon

Maya Rudolph

Gov. David Paterson

Peter Sarsgaard


Emily Spivey

RNC Headquarters
Summary: At the Republican National Committee Headquarters, Christine O'Donnell (Kristen Wiig) rattles off more problematic disgressions from her past.



Amy Poehler's Monologue
Summary: Amy Poehler announces that it's a dream come true to host "SNL", then relives her recurring stress dream of being late for the show amid a slew of gratutious celebrity cameos.


Bronx Beat with Betty & Jodi
Summary: Betty Caruso (Amy Poehler) and Jodi Deitz (Maya Rudolph) chatter with a provocatively dressed teenager (Katy Perry) who volunteers as a children's story reader at the local library.

Recurring Characters: Betty Caruso, Jodi Deitz.

Summary: Spokesperson (Jason Sudeikis) explains the hair loss restoration system that uses pubic hair as a baldness solution.

Maternity Matters
Summary: Aggressive producer Roger Brush (Fred Armisen) fills in when the regular female host is too ill to do the show.

Recurring Characters: Roger Brush.


Mosque at Ground Zero
Summary: Pitchman (Bill Hader) lauds the whirlwind of anti-Democratic activity taking place at the Mosque at Ground Zero.


Katy Perry performs "California Gurls"

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler ask "Really!?!" in regards to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Although Will Smith (Jay Pharoah) didn't star in a summer blockbuster this year, he's thrilled that his spawn has been active on-screen. The real Gov. David Paterson confronts Fred Armisen about the achievements he's made as a blind governor.

Recurring Characters: Will Smith, Gov. David Paterson.

The Lean Years
Summary: Amy Poehler stars in Showtime's latest series, which focuses on Amber, a foul-mouthed girl whose private secret is that she only has one leg.

Recurring Characters: Amber.

An SNL Digital Short
Summary: At the Academy Awards, Katy Perry sings the title track for the film "Boogerman", starring Peter Sarsgaard.

Ladies Who Lunch
Summary: Sylvia (Kristen Wiig) is jealous that Trish's (Amy Poehler) tiny hats are consistently tinier than her tiny hats.


Katy Perry performs "Teenage Dream"

Actor II Actor
Summary: Acting enthusiast Andy Samberg ponders when thespian Justin Timberlake will put his craft aside and return to making music.


The Even More Expendables
Summary: Sequels to "The Expendables" feature an ever-expanding collection of quasi-celebrities together in bulk action flicks.

Recurring Characters: Kim Jong Il, Chris Tucker, Rod Blagojevich, Steven Seagal, Tracy Chapman, Brigitte Nielsen.


Dress Rehearsal Cuts

A Message From Hillary Clinton
Summary: Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) addresses the public about President Obama's ratings.

Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton.

Pepto Bismol Ice
Summary: Summary: The upset stomach reliever that won't interrupt a night of wreckless drinking and partying.

Note: This filmed piece will air on next week's episode hosted by Bryan Cranston.

Family Feud
Summary: New host Steve Harvey (Kenan Thompson) can't seem to pronounce any of the answers.

Recurring Characters: Steve Harvey.

Summary: After his lobotomy, a patient (Andy Samberg) can't comprehend scientists' (Bill Hader, Amy Poehler) scientific terms.

American America: I Hippie
Summary: In a cartoon by Dana Carvey, a hippie talks about the good old days.

SNL Transcripts