Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 1






















10a: Amy Poehler / Katy Perry

Ladies Who Lunch

Abby.....Abby Elliott
Vanessa.....Vanessa Bayer
Sylvia.....Kristen Wiig
Trish.....Amy Poehler
Fashion Designer.....Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, Chez Henri ]

[ dissolve to outdoor table as a group of ladies dine together ]

Vanessa: To another great lunch!

[ they toast their glasses ]

Abby: Sylvia, I have to ask: Where did you get that dress?

Sylvia: Oh. It's actually a very funny story: I was at the Chanel store, just minding my own business, when this man came up to me --

Vanessa: Oh! [ waving ] Trish! We're over here!

Sylvia: [ continuing ] So this man at the Chanel store came over to me --

Abby: Wait a minute, Sylvia. Everyone, look at Trish's hat!

[ Trish, wearing a tiny hat, takes her seat ]

Trish: Oh, hi. Sorry I'm late.

Vanessa: My God, Trish! That's the most adorable little hat I've ever seen!

Trish: [ with forced modesty ] Oh. This?

Abby: It's perfect!

Vanessa: Tiny hats were the rage at Fashion Week! Don't you just love it, Sylvia?

Sylvia: [ irked that she hasn't gotten to finish her story ] It's a very... small hat. Anyway, Trish, I was just telling the girls the wildest story. [ She continues ] So I was at Chanel --

[ a flamboyant Fashion Designer passes the table while holding a Bichon Frise ]

Fashion Designer: I'm sorry -- I never do this but that... hat... ROCKS!

[ he walks off ]

Abby & Vanessa: Absolutely! It's fantastic! It's just so perfectly Trish...!

[ as they continue to sing their praises, Sylvia shoves salad into her mouth as she stews, an evil music sting piercing the background ]

[ cut to exterior, Chez Henri ]

[ SUPER: "One Week Later" ]

[ dissolve to outdoor table as the ladies dine together ]

Vanessa: To US!!

[ they toast their glasses ]

Sylvia: [ wearing a tiny hat of her own ] Oh, yes -- to us!

Abby: Love the hat, Sylvia!

Vanessa: Yes.

Sylvia: Oh! [ she giggles ] Thank you!

[ Trish enters wearing her samze-sized tiny hat ]

Trish: Ohhh, sorry I'm late!

Vanessa: Trish! Look at Sylvia! I guess you're not the only one with an adorable little hat any more!

Trish: Ohhhh, how nice, Sylvia.

Sylvia: [ giggling triumphantly ] Thank you, Trish.

Trish: I tip my hat to you! [ she removes her hat to reveal a tinier hat beneath ]

Vanessa: No!

Abby: A smaller hat?!

[ the flamboyant Fashion Designer passes the table again ]

Fashion Designer: Advantage: Trish!

[ he walks off ]

Vanessa: Trish is a fashion icon!

Abby: She's amazing!

Vanessa: Unbelievable!

[ as they continue to sing their praises, Sylvia shoves bread into her mouth as she stews, an evil music sting piercing the background ]

[ cut to exterior, Chez Henri, with sign: "Trish Eats Here!" ]

[ SUPER: "One Week Later" ]

[ dissolve to outdoor table as the ladies dine together ]

Vanessa: To women!

[ they toast their glasses ]

Abby: So, Sylvia -- no hat this week?

Sylvia: [ smirking ] Oh! Oh, I'm wearing a hat. [ she pulls up a microscope and places it on the table ] Take a look into the microscope.

Abby: Hmm?

Sylvia: Tell me what you see! [ she lays her head on the slide ]

Abby: Mmm-hmm. [ she peers into the microscope ] Oh, my God! It's a microscopic hat!!

[ reveal the image of a hat between hair follicles on the slide ]

Sylvia: [ proudly ] It's the smallest hat known to man! It cost me $4 million!

Vanessa: I wonder how Trish will respond?

Abby: I think she already has...

[ reveal a microscopic Trish also on the slide, wearing an even tinier hat to match her tiny proportions ] And her HAT!!

[ the flamboyant Fashion Designer is also of microscopic size, and walks past Trish to admire her hat ]

Vanessa: She is just amazing! No one beats Trish!

[ Sylvia, her head still on the slide, shoves a breadstick into her mouth as she stews, an evil music sting piercing the background ]

[ cut to exterior, Trish's, with sign: "Home of the Tiny Hat" ]

[ SUPER: "One Week Later" ]

[ dissolve to outdoor table as the ladies dine together ]

Vanessa: To Trish!

Sylvia: [ irked ] To Trish?! To Trish?! W-what, did she get another stupid hat?!

Vanessa: Sylvia!

Sylvia: I mean it! As far as I'm concerned, she can just take all her little hats and shove them up her --

Abby: SYLVIA!!

Vanessa: [ calmy ] Trish... died this morning.

[ Sylvia appears stunned ]

Abby: She was in a motorcycle crash -- [ choking up ] and her helmet was tiny.

[ the flamboyant Fashion Designer passes the table again, crying ]

Fashion Designer: Ohhhhhhhhhh! [ to Sylvia ] It should have been you!

[ he walks off ]

Sylvia: Oh... I feel awful...

[ suddenly, Trish sits down ]

Trish: Oh! Am I late?

Vanessa: Trish! You're alive!

Trish: [ she laughs ] Faking your own death is the NEW tiny hat!

[ the flamboyant Fashion Designer returns, cheerful as ever ]

Fashion Designer: Hat's all, folks!

[ they all share the laugh, as Sylvia shoves pepper down her throat ]

[ dissolve to New York Post headline: "Pope: 'You Go, Trish!'" ]

[ fade ]


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