Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 1
Maternity Matters
Roger Brush…..Fred Armisen
Leonard…..Bill HaderKanya Donahue…..Kristen Wiig
Terry Facials…..Amy Poehler
John Joseph Darapont…..Andy Samberg
Sheila Whitehead…..Abby Elliott
Announcer: You’re watching “Maternity Matters”, with Dr. Christine Kurant. The show that addresses all of the questions about being an expectant mother. Dr. Christine is a licensed obstetrician, and a mother of three. And now, please welcome Dr. Christine Kurant.
[ dissolve to the set, where producer Roger Brush sits ]Roger Brush: Uh… Dr. Kurant is sick. I’m her producer, Roger Brush. Dr. Kurant’s husband called and said she got sick on the way over here, and let’s just say they had to throw her underwear out at the A&P! Anyway, I said, “Take the whole week off, I’ll cover the show.” So, uh, I’m going to do the best I can to answer all your questions? Alright? Uh, let’s go to the audience.
Leonard: This is Kanya Donahue, she’s six months pregnant.
Kanya Donahue: [ nervous ] Hello, um — I wanted to know, is it normal for your nipples to change color?
Roger Brush: [ incredulous ] Your what changed color?!
Kanya Donahue: Um… my — my nipples.
Roger Brush: Yeah, I-I can’t hear you, sweetheart. You’re mumbling.
Kanya Donahue: My nipples.
Roger Brush: Pineapples? You sound like you’re talking to a sponge. What?
Kanya Donahue: [ shouting ] I HAVE VERY DARK NIPPLES!!
Roger Brush: Oh. Oh boy, alright, I gotcha. Here’s what you do: Why don’t you wear two bras, one of top of the other. You know, layer them? That way, if someone’s trying to get in there, you have time, you know, to warn them.
Kanya Donahue: [ bewildered ] What?! What are you talking about?!
Roger Brush: Wha..? Honey, you asked me what I thought! You know, I give you my honest opinion, and you decide you want to be a real handful! I don’t know what to tell ya’! You wanna walk around looking like you got two big chocolate chips in your shirt pockets, knock yourself out!! Let’s go to the next person! Who do we got?
[ Kanya steps aside, as Terry Facials comes forward ]Leonard: This is Terry Facials. She has a real interesting question.
Terry Facials: Hi. I’m due in six weeks —
Roger Brush: Yeah, speak up, sweetie!
Terry Facials: And, um, I don’t know how to put this.
Roger Brush: Honey! You gotta get LOUD!
Terry Facials: I just don’t — I don’t feel attractive, and I want to feel attractive.
Roger Brush: You wanna feel what?!
Terry Facials: A-attractive. I want to feel attractive.
Roger Brush: [ confused ] For what?
Terry Facials: I don’t know. I just — I want to feel pretty.
Roger Brush: WHY?! Where you going? You going on a date?!
Terry Facials: Nooo. I don’t — it’s just important to me.
Roger Brush: Okay, I don’t know! You know, why don’t you get a flowery dress, put on a bunch of make-up, walk into your husband’s room and say, “I’m sorry, honey — this is what you get!”
Terry Facials: [ speechless ] That’s incredibly rude.
Roger Brush: Which part?
Terry Facials: Dr. Kurant would NEVER tell someone to do that!
Roger Brush: Well, then what are you coming to ME for?! YOU put me on the spot!! You don’t like what I have to say, then just DROP IT!! Don’t drag me down with YOU! I got problems of my own to deal with! You should see my WATER BILL! I gotta call them! Now, who’s next?
Leonard: This is John Joseph Darapont, and his wife is eight months pregnant.
John Joseph Darapont: Hi, Roger, hi.
Roger Brush: Yeah, finally, right?
John Joseph Darapont: Uh — my wife is in her third trimester, and I was wondering if it’s okay to have sex with her?
Roger Brush: [ disgusted ] What?! That’s gross. Think about your kid! Is that the first thing you want him to see?! Who’s next?!
[ John is speechless, and steps aside as Sheila W comes forward ]Leonard: This is Sheila Whitehead, she’s in her sixth month.
Roger Brush: Okay, so what’s your deal?
Sheila Whitehead: Um — I noticed that ever since I got pregnant, I’ve had a lot of flatulence.
Roger Brush: What’s that? You were in “Flashdance”?
Sheila Whitehead: No. Flatulence! Gas!
Roger Brush: Tony, what’s going on with the sound? Turn her mike up all the way so I can hear her! Say it!
Sheila Whitehead: [ louder ] I have gas!
Roger Brush: Uh, I don’t like hearing that at all. I want to say this to everyone here: You guys, learn your manners and be polite! Okay?
Sheila Whitehead: Come on, Mr. Brush, she has a serious problem!
Roger Brush: You know who else has a seriou problem? The people sitting behind her. Right, ladies?
Sheila Whitehead: You’re not helping me!
Roger Brush: Well, I don’t know what you want me to tell ya’! You know? Why don’t you just rope off an area of your house and STAY there! God! Who’s next?
[ Sheila steps aside ]Leonard: No one else wants to go.
Roger Brush: Okay, good! Well, when we come back, Nurse Somers is gonna show us how to use a breast pump! [ he grimaces ] Count me out!
[ cut to program montage ] [ fade ]