Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 2






10b: Bryan Cranston / Kanye West

The Bjelland Brothers

Jeffrey.....Bryan Cranston
Dan.....Fred Armisen

[Opens with an outside shot of the Target Center arena]

[ Caption: "Minneapolis, MN." ]

[Cuts to the stage with two long-haired old school soft rock singers. The band behind them play a jangly soft rock song]

Dan: Good evening, everybody!

Jeffrey: Hello! Thank you all for coming.

Dan: Wow!

Jeffrey: Are you ready, Dan?

Dan: I'm always ready. Oh, yeah.

Dan and Jeffrey: [singing] "I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house...did you get it? I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house...did you get it? I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house...did you get it?"

Jeffrey: Oh, remember this song?

Dan and Jeffrey: [singing] "I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house...did you get it?"

[soft rock theme continues]

Dan: Thank you all so much for coming here tonight. It means so much to me and my brother Jeffrey.

Jeffrey: It sure does. [to the audience] Can you all see us? Even the people in the back? Is that--

Dan: Turn the house lights up a little. We want to see the crowd. [looks into the audience] Mmm, look at that. There aren't that many people here tonight.

Jeffrey: It's what professional singers describe as "lightly attended".

Dan: There are pockets of people. I see a nice little crowd right over there. [points] Hello!

[Three people wander around the empty arena]

Jeffrey: Still, a few more people would've been nice. [pointing to the stands] It seems like whole sections are empty.

Dan: Whole sections... you know what? That's okay. This is our hometown. And we love you!

Dan and Jeffrey: [singing] "I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house...did you get it? I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house...did you get it?"

Dan: Hello!

[soft rock theme continues]

Jeffrey: You know, this song hit the Top 200 on the Minnesota charts back in 1979. It's our only song. How about that?

Dan: It was so nice seeing our name up there. "The Bjelland Brothers". You know, printed local music magazine. We were shocked.

Jeffrey: Especially since the song itself was written fairly quickly, believe it or not.

Dan: It's very true. I had sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to a woman I was very interested in...

Jeffrey: Very interested.

Dan: ...and I didn't hear back from her as to whether or not she got it. I was very depressed for about a year. Until one day I walked out into my garage and saw a bottle of sparkling apple juice underneath my table. So, as it turns out, I never sent it.

Jeffrey: He's very forgetful.

Dan: But you know something? We did get this wonderful song out of it.

Jeffrey: We did.

Dan: What a wonderful thing that is! To write beautiful music.

Dan and Jeffrey: [singing] "I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house...did you get it?"

Dan: [to the band] Say hello to our band. They've been working so hard on this 3-day tour.

Jeffrey: You know, we've lost a lot of money on this tour. A lot of money.

Dan: We bought two buses. You know how much a bus costs? We could've rented them, but I was just being show-offy in front of my new assistant. So dumb.

Jeffrey: [holding his arms in disbelief] We also hired a chef!

Dan: So stupid. You guys look like a really good crowd.

Jeffrey: They do...they do.

Dan: Do you guys want to sing along? Okay, bring the music down.

[music goes down]

Jeffrey: Bring it down, you guys. Bring the music down just a little.

Dan: [sings] "I sent a---" [holds microphone out into the audience]

Audience: "--bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house...did you get it?"

Jeffrey: Oh!

[Dan and Jeffrey hold their microphones out to the audience]

Audience: "I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house...did you get it? I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house...did you get it?"

Dan: Bring it back up! [soft rock theme comes back stronger] This is the only song we're doing tonight!

[cut to outside of the Target Center in Minneapolis, MN]

Dan and Jeffrey: "I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house...did you get it? I sent---"

[fade]

[cheers and applause]


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel


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