Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 2












10b: Bryan Cranston / Kanye West

Henry

Henry.....Nasim Pedrad
Dad.....Bryan Cranston

[ open on exterior, suburban house, night ]

[ dissolve to interior, basement, as Henry paints a mural on the wall ]

Henry: [ singing ]
"Pegasus, Pegasus, I like your shape
That's because --"

Dad's Voice: HENRY!!

Henry: Oh?

[ Dad enters the basement ]

Dad: Pegasus looks GREAT!

Henry: Thanks, Dad!

Dad: Hey, can I talk to you a minute, son?

Henry: Okay!

[ Henry puts his paint supplies down and steps closer to Dad ]

Dad: Now, I-I know the fifth grade can be rough -- your mom tells me you're getting picked on by some bullies.

Henry: Yeah! Today they somehow fit me into my own backpack!

Dad: Well, you're WAY small.

Henry: Yeah, WAY small! Yeah, definitely the smallest boy. Probably smaller than ALL but a couple of girls!

Dad: That's okay, because I'm gonna teach you how to defend yourself! You know why?

Henry: 'Cause you were a Green Beret?

Dad: 'Cause I was a Green Beret! And because I... love... YOU! Alright, Henry! Now -- feet steady, hands up, eyes on the target, and COME AT ME!!

Henry: Okay!

[ Henry rushes toward his Dad, only to punched square in the forehead and dropped to the floor ]

Henry: OW!

Dad: Alright.

Henry: Ow, Dad!

Dad: Alright, Champ. Okay. You're alright. Now, what happened there?

Henry: [ he catches his breath ] Yeah, let's talk about it! Uhhh -- I got my BUTT handed to me, right off the bat!

Dad: Yeah. Yeah. Now, now, what did you think you did wrong?

Henry: Well, I'll be honest: I went in with LITTLE to NO strategy --

Dad: Ahhh...

Henry: Then, there was the whole punch-in-the-face moment, and it was pretty much just Lights Out from there!

Dad: Yeah, that's right, Henry. And at what point did you lose the upper hand?

Henry: Ohhh, I'd say from the get-go, and then pretty much steadily throughout!

Dad: And what are you gonna do right now?

Henry: Well... my suggestion is that we both step away from this for about an hour, maybe process this. That way, I can get back to my mural.

Dad: Or: You can come at me EVEN HARDER!

Henry: Okay.

Dad: Now, WHAT are you?!

Henry: Small!

Dad: What do want to BE?!

Henry: Strong!

Dad: HOW are you gonna do that?!

Henry: I'm gonna fight and win!

Dad: NOW!! COME AT ME!!

Henry: Okay!

[ Henry rushes forward, but Dad is able to hold him back with one arm stretched outward ]

Henry: OW!! OW!! Dad -- Ow!

[ suddenly, Dad knocks Henry to the floor with a suckerpunch ]

Dad: Aw, Henry, dammit! Are you okay?

Henry: Yes. But -- ow!

Dad: Oh, now what happened there, Champ, huh?

Henry: Let's see -- Once again, I got ABSOLUTELY dominated --

Dad: Yeah, you got ABSOLUTELY dominated! Now, WHY did you let me DO that?!

Henry: Well, that time I was focused on staing on the balls of my feet --

Dad: Ah!

Henry: So THAT all checked out.

Dad: Uh-huh.

Henry: But that I-was-punched-in-the-face time, and I just have NO answer for that!

Dad: Now, Henry, you gotta keep your arms UP!

Henry: Right! Again, Dad, I feel like everything you're saying makes perfect sense on paper... but, when I'm actually IN the fight --

Dad: It's a lot harder.

Henry: It's a LOT harder, yeah! I get tired, like, almost immediately. If I'm being completely honest, there ARE moments during the fight when I wish I was doing ANYTHING else! And, again, there's just a WHOLE lot of thinking about my mural!

Dad: Oh, yeah -- and it SHOWS! Now, I need to hear it again: What are you?

Henry: Small!

Dad: What do you wanna be?

Henry: A mural artist?

Dad: [ disgusted ] HEN-RYYYY!

Henry: Strong!

Dad: Now, okay! What should you do with FEAR?!

Henry: Have less of it?

Dad: Right! Right! Right! So come on -- let's DO thiS! KNOCK! ME! OUT!

Henry: Okay!

[ Henry lunges toward his dad, but is immediately placed in a chokehold ]

Henry: Oh..!

Dad: Now, Henry -- why'd you -- why'd you let me get you in a chokehold?

Henry: Uhhh -- you're asking me to take myself OUT of the situation --

Dad: Uh-huh?

Henry: But I'm STILL very much IN it! Also, could you let go? 'Cause I think my face is starting to DIE!

Dad: Whoa, whoa, whoa...

Mom's Voice: Boys! Dinner's ready!

Henry: Good!

[ Dad releass his grip on Henry ]

Dad: Okay, we'll be up in a minute! [ to Henry ] Okay. Ready?

[ Dad lays another suckerpunch across Henry's face and drops him to the floor ]

Henry: Oh!

Dad: Alright, Son. Now, what happened there, Henry?

Henry: I don't knoooowwww. I mean, looking back, I'm very PROUD of my performance. I did EVERYTHING right. I mean, in the end, it just came down to superior size and strength!

Dad: Well, obviously, this is gonna take some time. But, I gotta say, you are improving crazy-fast!

Henry: Yeah! I'm improving CRAZY-Fast!

Dad: [ chuckling ] And I LOVE you, buddy, but you're WAY small!

Henry: WAY small!

[ Dad wraps his arm around Henry and peads the boys upstairs ]

[ cut to exterior view of the house ]

[ fade ]


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