Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 2

10b: Bryan Cranston / Kanye West

An SNL Digital Short

Homeowner.....Andy Samberg
Burglar #1.....Fred Armisen
Burglar #2.....Kenan Thompson
Actress.....Helen Mirren
Pizza Man.....Bobby Moynihan

[ tag (over black screen): "An SNL Digital Short" ]

[ dissolve to the sounds of a door being kicked in ]

[ Homeowner wakes up in distress to the noise, looks at his clock to see it's 3:24 in the morning, then looks out the bedroom window to see two burglars scurrying past ]

[ the Homeowner jumps out of bed, grabs his cellphone and quickly dials 9-1-1 ]

[ by now, the burglars are inside the house and closing in, so the Homeowner scoots under his bed ]

Voice: 9-1-1. What's your emergency?

[ from ground level, the burglars can be seen entering the bedroom ]

Voice: Hello?

[ the Homeowner hangs up his cellphone ]

Burglar #1: Did you hear that?

Burglar #2: What? It's nothing. Just get the stuff.

Burglar #1: Okay.

[ the burglars exit the bedroom ]

[ trying to keep quiet, the Homeowner pulls up an "Emergency 9-1-1' app on his cellphone and presses the button ]

[ screen:
"911 Emergency
The Automated Rescue Dispatch Application!
Loading..." ]

Homeowner: [ to himself ] Go, go, go, go, go...

[ screen:
"presented by
coming soon" ]

Announcer: This summer! Helen Mirren is top dog in... "Rescue Dogs 3D"!

Homeowner: Come on...

Actress: I want your gun and your leash -- you're off the case!

Announcer: "Rescue Dogs 3D"! Sit, stay, help is on the way!

Homeowner: Okay...

Voiceover: What is the nature of your emergency?

[ screen:
Robbery/Home Invasion
Car Accident
Other" ]

[ Homeowner presses his selection ]

Voiceover: Roberry/Home Invasion.

[ the burglars continue to pass at the window ]

Voiceover: Where should we send help?

[ screen: "Current GPS Enter address" ]

Voiceover: GPS. Please select your theater for "Rescue Dogs 3D."

[ Homeowner presses a selection ]

Voiceover: Please pick a showtime for "Rescue Dogs 3D."

[ Homeowner tries to skip this step, but... ]

[ screen: "You Must Choose a Showtime to Proceed" ]

Voiceover: Thank you for your purchase of 99 child tickets.

[ the app accesses his Address Book ]

Homeowner: NO!

[ names zip by: Doug Abeles, Anthony Ableton, Ken Aymong, Hannibel Burress, Jillian Bell... ]

Homeowner: NO!

[ screen:
All 354 contacts emailed to join you at

[ Homeowner looks up to see the burglars carrying his big screen TV past the window ]

[ his cellphone flashes an ALERT! ]

Voiceover: Are you having a HUNGER EMERGENCY? Let the Rescue Dogs help, with 2 for 1 pizzas from Pizza Hut!

[ more crashing sounds in the background ]

Voiceover: Thanks for your order! Be patient, help is on the way!

Homeowner: Great... okay.

[ screen:
Anthony Ableton
Hey Dave, just got your email.

[ screen:
"Anthony Ableton
Haven't heard from U in 5 years.
Rescue Dogs 3D?! Are U 4 real?!

Homeowner: What..? NO!

[ he looks up to see the Pizza Man approach the two burglars ]

Pizza Man: Hey, you guys ordered Pizza Hut? I got your "Rescue Dogs" snack pack.

Burglar #2: [ outraged ] WHAT?! Let's SHOOT this motherfucker!

Pizza Man: What?!

[ Burglar #1 fires three times and fells the Pizza Man ]

Homeowner: [ gasping at the sight ] Oh, sn-- [ he covers his mouth, but it's too late ]

[ the burglars glance at the sound, spot the Homeowner crouched under his bed, and march inside ]

Burglar #2: Hey! Jim! Hey, Jim!

Homeowner: Wait! Don't shoot! I didn't see anything! Just take anything you want!

Burglar #2: Sorry... but no witnesses!

[ suddenly, a loud WOOF echos through the house ]

[ everyone glances as one of the Rescue Dogs steps into the room ]

Homeowner: [ slo-mo ] Rescue Dog?

[ the two burglars stare cautiously, as the Rescue Dog lunges into the air and bites off Burglar #1's arm ]

[ the Homeowner laughs triumphantly as the burglars rush out of the house ]

[ the Rescue Dog leaps into the air for a high-five ]

Homeowner: Thank you, Rescue Dogs!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts