Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 3

10c: Jane Lynch / Bruno Mars

Ask Gloria Allred

Gloria Allred.....Nasim Pedrad

Announcer: [ over text card ] "The following program is presented by attorney Gloria Allred, and is intended solely for self-promotion."

[ dissolve to title card ]

Female Announcer: "Ask Gloria Allred".

[ dissolve to series of still photos ]

Female Announcer: Attorney Gloria Allred is a true legal superstar, recognized the world over for her near round-the-clock television appearances, and is a tireless champion for society's forgotten victims. From Scott Peterson's girlfriend, Amber Frey, to Tiger Woods' mistresses #2, 5, 9, and 11, to a guy in the audience at the Laugh Factory the night Michael Richards used the N-word. Here now, is Gloria Allred.

[ dissolve to Gloria Allred sitting in her office ]

Gloria Allred: Hello, and welcome to this addition of "Ask Gloria Allred". I'm Gloria Allred. This week, many of you have written or e-mailed to congratulate me on my recent press conference with Nicky Diaz. Nicky is the undocumented worker from Mexico who was employed by Meg Whitman -- currently the Republican candidate for governor of California -- as a housekeeper. While working for the Whitmans, Nicky suffered continuous emotional abuse and was forced to perform a series of horrendous and degrading tasks, from sorting and washing laundry to vacuuming carpets and dusting venetian blinds, all under the threat that if she did NOT perform these sickening acts they would not pay her. It is a heart-wrenching story, and many of you thanked me for bringing it to the nation's attention. But some have questions.

For example, Paul from Indianapolis asks: "As her attorney, how could you let Ms. Diaz announce on television that she is in the country illegally? Because of your reckless attention-seeking, won't she be arrested and deported?"

That's a good question, Paul. I hadn't really thought about it. I'm going to recommend that Nicky hire a good immigration lawyer.

Karen from Boston asks: "I saw your latest freak-show press conference with Ms. Diaz, and I have to ask: Is there anything you won't do to push your butt-ugly mug in front of a camera?"

Another good question, Karen. I have to think about that, but I guess my answer would be "No."

Steven from New Orleans asks: "Why do you talk so loud? Or does it just seem that way, because your manner is so grating?"

Probably a bit of both, Steven. I'm naturally a very pushy person and find that by talking loudly, people are forced to listen to me, even if they would prefer not to.

Kevin from Fort Collins, Colorado asks: "Tell me, Gloria. Has a more disgusting creature than yourself ever walked the face of the earth?"

Wow! A lot of good questions tonight. I don't know the answer, Kevin. I suppose, since man in his present form has been around for about 250,000 years, there MUST have been somebody, but I really can't say for sure.

Denise from Nashville asks: "When you die, Gloria, and you go instantly to Hell, which I think we can all agree will absolutely happen -- will you just burn with all the other ambulance-chasers who spent their lives bringing misery into the world, or will there be a special ring or level of Hell just for you?"

Oh my, Denise, that is such a profound question! Who knows? All I can say is I sincerely hope so. That would be nice.

Well, that's it for tonight's show! We'll see you next week. Until then, please pay attention to me, and "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

SNL Transcripts