Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 3




















10c: Jane Lynch / Bruno Mars

The New Boyfriend Talk Show

Zack.....Andy Samberg
Mom.....Jane Lynch
Mike.....Jason Sudeikis
Gene Simmons.....Fred Armisen
Verne Troyer.....Bobby Moynihan
Magic Johnson.....Kenan Thompson

[ open on suburban kitchen beneath title card, Mom cooking in the foreground and Zack seated at the kitchen table ]

Zack: Welcome to "The New Boyfriend Talk Show"! Starring me, Zack, and my sidekick, Mom!

Mom: Hey, Sweetie!

Zack: Hi, Mom! Okay -- so, my Mom dates SO many awesome guys! Then, one day I thought, "Hey! Maybe on Sunday when they wake up, I should interview them before they hit the road!" I asked for permission, and she said yes.

Mom: That's because, no matter who coems out of Mommy's bedroom, you're still my Number One Guy! [ she kisses Zack on the head ]

Zack: Awww... awesome! So, Mom, why don't you tell us about today's guest?

Mom: Sure. Uh, his name is Mike something... and, uh, he works as a CD organizer at Borders.

Zack: Okay. Very cool! Please welcome Mike!

[ a groggy Mike enters the kitchen, pats Zack on the head and sits ]

Mike: Heeey, little buddy. How you doing?

Zack: Welcome to "The New Boyfriend Talk Show"!

Mike: Yeah... great to be here.

Zack: Okay, first question! I gotta ask -- it's on everybody's mind: "Are you my new dad?"

Mike: [ stunned ] Whoa! I, uh -- you know, uh --

Zack: I know! You can't comment on that -- I HAD to ask! Okay. SO... we have something in common.

Mike: Yeah?

Zack: We're both huge fans of MOM!!

Mom: Awwwwww!

Mike: No. Yeah, yeah -- she's a cool lady.

Zack: Give me an example!

Mike: Uhhhh -- alright, well, uh -- on the car ride home, uh -- [ he chuckles ] She's a cool lady.

Zack: Awesome! Okay. Now, Mike, I'm not sure if you're aware that this is a very special day for us on the show.

Mike: Oh, yeah? Why's that, Sport?

Zack: Because this is "The New Boyfriend Talk Show"'s 100th episode!

Mike: [ choking on his coffee ] What..?

Mom: Woooowwww! It just creeps up on ya', that 100, huh? Congrats, Zackie!

Zack: [ enthusiastically ] Couldn't have done it wihout YOU, Mom!

Mike: Whoa, wai -- 100? I'm the 100th guest?

Zack: No, no, no -- this is the 100th episode!

Mike: Oh.

Zack: There's been about 130 guests! Right, Mom?

Mom: Oh, honey, I don't know. Sometimes I think you remember these guys better than I do.

Zack: [ proudly ] I'm sure I do. It's been a great 100 episodes, so let's take a look back at some of our FAVORITE memories from "The New Boyfriend Talk Show"!

[ Chairman of the Board's "Gimme Just a Little More Time" plays over screencaps of past guests: a tattooed freak, an elderly man, a Japanese threesome, an animal trainer, and Joaquin Phoenix ]

Mom: [ shaking her head ] So many memories!

Mike: Wait a minute... w-was that Joaquin Phoenix?

Zack: Yeah, that was a weird interview. But it turned out he was faking it.

Mom: [ chuckling ] Yeah! He wasn't the only one.

Zack: Yeah! Well, we've had a lot of fun, but we've also dealt with some serious issues. That's why I'd like to take this time to give a special shout-out to all of my Mom's boyfriends who are currently serving overseas.

[ a large list of American and Arabic names scrolls upward ]

Mike: Whoa-oa, oh my God!

Mom: Zack, sweetie, I've also got a surprise for you, honey. In the four months since --

Mike: Wait! That's all been FOUR MONTHS?!

Mom: A few big stars have dropped by, and some of them took time out of their busy schedules to send in messages to you.

[ cut to Gene Simmons ]

Gene Simmons: Gene Simmons here. Congrats to everyone at "The New Boyfriend Talk Show". Keep it real. [ he removes his sunglasses ] And keep it moist. [ he smiles ]

[ cut to Verne Troyer ]

Verne Troyer: This is Mr. Verne Troyer saying, "The New Boyfriend Talk Show" is shagadelic. [ he sticks his pinkie finger in his mouth ]

[ cut to Magic Johnson ]

Magic Johnson: Hey! Magic Johnson here! I had a magic time on "The New Boyfriend Talk Show"! Zack and that lady are a dream team! Go Lakers!

[ return to the kitchen ]

Zack: Yeah, Magic's a real friend of the show!

Mike: [ worried ] Oh, no... oh, nooooo... ohhhhhhh, no... Oh, boy.

Zack: [ excited ] So, mom! Who's our next guest today?

Mike: Wait, there's someone else today?!

Mom: Yeah. We also got two bands coming! Oh, and also, I burned the eggs, so... it's cookies for breakfast!

[ Mom throws a bag of Chips Ahoy onto the breakfast table ]

Zack: [ arms in the air ] YAAAAYYYYY!!!

[ title card ]

[ fade ]


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