Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 3

10c: Jane Lynch / Bruno Mars

Coven to Elect Christine O'Donnell

Christine O'Donnell.....Kristen Wiig

[ open on Christine O'Donnell ]

Christine O'Donnell: Hi. I'm Christine O'Donnell... and I am not a witch. I'm nothing like you've heard. I'm you. And, just like you, I have to constantly deny that I'm a witch. Isn't that what the people of Delaware deserve? A candidate who promises, first and foremost, that she's not a witch? That's the kind of candidate Delaware hasn't had since 1692. And that's why, if elected to the Human Senate, I promise to fly straight down to Washington -- [ chuckling nervously ] on a plane! And do exactly what you would do: Not spells. Besides, if I were a witch, why wouldn't I just cast a spell making all of you forget that I'm a witch? It's certainly not because the spell requires one newt per person and a lack of a sufficient number of newts.

[ she laughs ]

I know the problems facing our nation, because I've been living among you ever since I moved to Delaware from the Black Forest of Germany almost 3,000 years ago. So this November 2nd, vote for Christine O'Donnell, AKA: Zoraida the Enchantress. Because I'm not a witch. And, if I am, do you really want to cross me? I didn't think so.

[ the camera pulls back to reveal O'Donnell dressed in a witch's skirt and candy-stripe tights, a skeleton playing a piano, and ghosts floating through the air ]

Announcer: Paid for by the Coven to Elect Christine O'Donnell, who is not a witch.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts