Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 4




















10d: Emma Stone / Kings of Leon

My Brother Knows Everythings

Morgan.....Nasim Pedrad
Meredith.....Emma Stone
Erik.....Andy Samberg

[ open on snowy TV image ]

[ dissolve to camcorder view of Morgan position the camera in front of her ]

Morgan: Hey! I'm Morgan, I'm 11, and you're watching another episode of... "My Brother Knows Everything"!

[ cut to show logo and images ]

Jingle:
"My brother knows everything! Oh yeah! He pretty much knows everything! He does neat stuff, and then I tell you that stuff! I'm telling you all the stuff that my brother tells me! My brother knows everything!"

[ cut back to Morgan ]

Morgan: Okay! Welcome to the show! Today, as always, I'll be celebrating my older brother Erik! He's basically the coolest fifteen-year old, like, in the world. Let's meet him in a segment called "Get Away From Me!" Check it out!

[ cut to clip: Erik playing X-Box in his room ]

Morgan: Hey, Erik! Can I watch you play X-Box?

Erik: Get away from me!

[ he thrusts his arm forward and pushes the camcorder view away from him; the video feed turns to snow ]

[ return to Morgan hosting the show ]

Morgan: Okay, my co-host tonight is my best friend and next-door neighbor -- Meredith!

[ reveal Meredith seated at Megan's right ]

Meredith: Hey, Morgan! Great to be here! And can I just say your brother is a total hunk?

Morgan: Ewww! Gross! But... yeah! Okay! Now it's time for a segment called... "Erik-splanations"! Here's what Erik explained to me this week!

Meredith: [ grabbing cue cards ] Okay, Question 1: "What is 'Freaking'?"

Morgan: That just means "grinding"!

Meredith: Question 2: "What is 'grinding'?"

Morgan: It's when you freak!

Meredith: Question 3: "How many times do people have to freak before they have a baby?"

Morgan: Seven! Okay! Now it's time for a segment called... "Let's Bro to the Movies"!

Meredith: This week, we're reviewing "Jackass 3D".

Morgan: Yeah! But we're not allowed to see "Jackass 3D", so, as, always -- right? -- we eavesdropped on my brother Erik talking about it with his friends!

Meredith: Okay, here's our review: There's a giant hand...

Morgan: And, apparently, when you least expect it, there's a butt!

Meredith: [ she laughs moronically for a period ] Uh, and that's our review of "Jackass 3D".

Morgan: We give this movie... three-and-a-half Eriks!

[ graphic appears on-screen ]

Morgan: Okay! Now it's time for a segment called... "Stop Being Weird". Check it out!

[ cut to clip: Erik reading on his bed, as Morgan pops into the foreground ]

Morgan: Hey, Erik! Watch this!

[ Morgan begins to make bouncing fish faces ]

Erik: [ as he pushes Morgan out of frame ] STOP BEING WEIRD!!

[ the video feed turns to snow ]

[ return to Morgan hosting the show ]

Morgan: Okay.

Meredith: Great.

Morgan: Thanks. Okay, and now it's time for another segment, called... "Erik'an Idols"! This is where we count down the Top 5 cutest guys from the posters on Erik's wall! [ she picks up each poster for the reveal ] Number Five: Al Pacino from "Scarface".

Meredith: Sooooo cute!

Morgan: Yeah! Number Four: Pau Gasol from basketball!

Meredith: He looks like a hot ostrich...

Morgan: Number Three: Hellraiser!

Meredith: Take those nails out, and you got a hunk.

Morgan: Number Two: Mel Brooks as Yogurt in "Spaceballs".

Meredith: Not my personal style, but I get it.

Morgan: And the Number One cutest guy is:

Together: NICHOLAS CAGE IN "GHOST RIDER"!!

Meredith: Whoo-oo-oo!

Morgan: That was fun!

Meredith: That was fun!

Morgan: Yeah!

[ sound effect: approaching footsteps ]

Morgan: Uh-oh! The sound of Erik coming up the stairs means it's time for our LAST segment, called... "What Are You Doing in My Room?"

[ Erik appears ]

Erik: What are you doing in my room?!!

Morgan: I'm doing my show! It's about YOU! You remember Meredith!

Meredith: [ embarrassed ] Hi... What's "grinding"?

Erik: It's when you FREAK!! Quit using my camera!!

[ Erik rushes toward the camcorder and turns the picture to snow ]

[ the screen exits onto earlier filmed footage: Erik practicing with nunchuks ]

Erik: Erik's Nunchuk Demo Reel: Take One! [ he whips the nunchuks around for a minute, then poses ] Ye-eah!

[ screen turns back to snow and returns to fresh footage of Morgan and Meredith smiling ]

Morgan: [ whispering ] Well... that's our show!

Meredith: [ whispering ] Tune in next week when we finally get to the bottom of... Erik's underwear drawer!

Morgan: [ whispering ] Yeah!

[ suddenly, Erik rushes back into the scene ]

Erik: I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!

[ the girl run off screaming ]

[ cut to show logo ]

Jingle: "My Brother Knows Everything!"

[ fade ]


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