Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 5

10e: Jon Hamm / Rihanna

Greetings from American America: Dog in Purse

Voice of Dog.....David Spade


[ intercut images within postcard entitled "Greetings from American America" ]

[ a purse drops onto the screen, and a chihuahua pops his head out ]

Dog: That's right, everybody. It's me again -- Dog in Purse.

[ title: "Dog in Purse" -- with David Spade ]

[ dissolve to nightclub scene -- lower portion of starlet seen carrying her dog in her purse ]

Dog: Ahhhhh -- buh buh buh baaaah. Here we are at a nightclub again. Hmm, shocker of the century. [ he turns his head ] Ah, look over there -- Willow Smith with a bottle of petron. That's great. Happy 9th Birthday!

I've got a moron owner -- drinking a glass of loudmouthed soup, yukking it up. Meanwhile I'm stuck in her purse, trying to get comfortable on a dirty hairbrush, soem Yaz pills, and Charlie Sheen's wallet. This lady who owns me, she doesn't even know I'm a male dog. I'm clearly a dude, yet she's got me wearing a feather boa and a tiara on my head like I'm Zsa Zsa Gabor. [ he looks up ] Hey, lady! You know how you can tell you're a little off-track? Flip me over! Check out the... "undercarriage". Alright? There's a light switch, honey -- it goes on and off. Like the one that should go off in your head and say, "Hey -- this dog's a dude and has been for the last three years."

Ohhh, okay! Here we go! There's Jessica Alba, wearing a minidress, no less. Nice! She's so hot, she'd better spray her shins down with Pam -- STAT! -- because I'm about to do the Humpty-Hump! Maybe with this tiara I'm wearing, and feather boa, she'll get drunk and think I'm Lenny Kravitz and go for it! [ to the crowd ] Alright, gang, let's weap it up! We're all heading back to Brody Jenner's house. I heard he got a new Solo Flex.

[ credits ]

[ fade ]

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