Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 5




















10e: Jon Hamm / Rihanna

I Didn't Ask For This

Roger Sims....Bobby Moynihan
Maureen O'Hare....Kristen Wiig
Pierre....Paul Brittain
Mark Sharon....Jon Hamm
Colonial Wench....Abby Elliott
Blacksmith....Bill Hader
Mark's son....Taram Killam

Announcer: And now it's time for "I Didn't Ask For This".

["I Didn't Ask For This" logo]

Roger Sims: Hello. I'm Roger Sims and welcome to "I Didn't Ask For This". A show to support people whose lives have been ruined because of embarrassing videos of them on the Internet. I'd like to introduce my producer Pierre. Cause I could not do this show without him.

Pierre: My pleasure, Roger.

Roger Sims: Ok. As most of you are aware by now, I gained some unwanted notoriety due to the popularity of an extremely embarrassing video that was posted on the Internet for the world to see. Let's roll the clip.

[Video of Roger watching a boring video game on his computer]

Roger Sims: This maze is so hard. Ha, ha. And it gets so narrow at the bottom...

[A picture of an evil witch appears on screen screaming louder than hell]

Roger Sims: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!![Roger punches through the computer screen] [crying] WHY?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! THAT'S NOT FUNNY AT ALL!!! WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO ME?! [Roger has pissed his pants] WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!

[Back to the studio]

Roger Sims: See? That's not funny. Not even in the slightest. Let's go to the serious cam. [turns to the serious cam, video of the witch and Roger freaking out plays in the background] I'm serious. Why? Why do people think it's okay to laugh at this? I don't see the humor. My name is Roger Sims. Not "Fat guy gets owned". I didn't ask for this. All right, our first guest is a real human being with feelings. Please welcome to the show, Maureen O'Hare.

[Maureen enters and shakes hands with Roger]

Roger Sims: Thank you so much for joining us today, Maureen. Please, tell us your story.

Maureen O'Hare: This is hard. Ok, on a recent trip to Colonial Williamsburg I....[emotional] I can't...I can't.

[Roger grabs her hands]

Roger Sims: Oh, my gosh...see? Let's roll the clip.

[Video of Maureen standing next to a blacksmith hammering and a young lady dressed in Colonial times]

Maureen O'Hare: Honey, honey! Get me with the lady here--with the wench. I'm sorry...there's a bee, watch out! Watch out! [swatting]

Blacksmith: Oh, mercy! [turns around and clocks Maureen on the head with the heavy hammer, Maureen falls unconscious]

[back to the studio]

Roger Sims: That looked so painful!

Maureen O'Hare: But it even got more painful when someone remixed it into a rap song.

Roger Sims: To the serious cam.

Maureen O'Hare: [turns to the serious camera, her embarrassing video plays in the background] I'm serious. Why is this so funny? I am severely allergic to bees, so that fear was very real. Also getting hit on the head by a blacksmith hammer hurts a great deal. I could've died. My name is Maureen O'Hare, not "Bee sting fail". I didn't ask for this.

[Video of Maureen remixed, hit with the hammer on a loop, scratching and funny sounds]

Roger Sims: You're a very brave woman Maureen. And there's nothing funny about that. Isn't that right, Pierre?

Pierre: [smiling] Nothing funny at all.

Roger Sims: [opens his eyes at Pierre] If you own a computer that's connected to the Internet you probably know my next guest. Please welcome, Mark Sharon. [Mark enters, sits] Mark please, tell us your story.

Mark Sharon: I was--I was an absent father. Not something I'm proud of. I was emotionally vacant. My father told me boys don't cry and I believed him. But recently I agreed to appear on a reality show where I was reconnected with my son. Just roll the clip.

[Video of Mark and his son reunited]

Mark's son: [sobbing] Because I know...deep down in my heart...I still love you.

Mark Sharon: [holding, then wailing] Waaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

[back to the studio]

Roger Sims: [holding back laughs] Wow, that's terrible.

Mark Sharon: Yeah, but it got worse. It got auto-tuned.

Roger Sims: To the serious cam.

[Mark turns to the serious cam, his embarrassing video plays his weird cries in auto-tune in the background]

Mark Sharon: I'm serious. Why auto-tune? It was truly the most profound moment of my life. It was the first time my son told me that he loved me. Now its a ringtone. I've heard it being played at office parties. This video has 20 million views. That's over 20 million people who have laughed at my pain. My name is Mark Sharon. Not "Best Cry Ever". I didn't ask for this.

[Roger and Maureen holding back their laughs]

Mark Sharon: Wait a minute! Are you laughing?

Roger Sims: [cracking up] No, no, no...of course not.

Mark Sharon: Is this funny to you?

Pierre: [laughing] Kind of a weird cry, man.

Mark Sharon: [emotional] Waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

Roger Sims: Well, that is our show. We will see you next time on "I Didn't Ask For This".

[Maureen videotapes Mark's crying]

["I Didn't Ask For This" logo]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel


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