Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 6

10f: Scarlett Johansson / Arcade Fire

A Treat from Paula Deen's Kitchen

Paula Deen....Kristen Wiig

[ open on images of butter frying ]

[ dissolve to Paula Deen in her kitchen ]

Paula Deen: [ in thick Southern accent ] Hi, y'all!! I'm Paula Deen, and you know my FAVORITE two ingredients to cook with are butter and oil! But some people don't WANT all that fat in their food -- that's why I'm introducing my new product! [ she picks up a giant roll of paper towels ] Paula Deen's Big Ol' Soakem Paper Towels! For when you want to get the FAT outta your good ol' Southern food. [ she tears a sheet from the roll ] They are EIGHT-PLY, y'all! So they REALLY soak up all that butter and oil, that you just don't WANT getting on your little Tigger! [ she cups her left breast ]

Watch THIS, y'all! I'm gonna put one of my FAMOUS butter-crusted drizzler biscuits on a piece of a Big Ol' Soakem! [ she places the biscuit on top of the paper towel ] And I'm just gonna let it SIT there like a little frog on a log! Let's wait ten seconds!

[ the camera pans away from the biscuit and on to a close-up of Paula licking handfuls of butter ]

Paula Deen: [ glancing over ] Now, LOOK at THAT!

[ cut to a close-up of the paper towel with a tiny biscuit crumb on top ]

Paula Deen: That big ol' biscuit got all the butter and oil just SUCKED right on OUT of it! Now that biscuit is a LOT more healthy, y'all! [ she puts the tiny biscuit in her mouth ] Also, it tastes like [bleep]in' [bleep], y'all! [ she places the tiny biscuit back on the paper towel ]

Look, y'all -- just between me, you, and the chickens: I HAVE to suggest this oil-drainin' 'cause health officials are REALLY backin' up my back bumper about my food makin' little children FAT! Why, I was a fat child and look at how I turned out!! I'm on TV, and I have a REAL foxy husband! [ she holds up a framed photo of her husband ] He is Santa-licious! I love to sit on his lap! [ she licks another finger of butter ] And you should see how FAT my grandbaby boy is! He's just like a string of plump, little sausages with a DIAPER on it! I just want to BITE him! You better watch it, or I'm gonna put him in the FRYER and serve him up on a bed of big 'ol buttered beans!

[ Paula starts to fan herself with her hand ]

Paula Deen: Whoo! It is as hot as a devil's danglers in this fake kitchen! Whoo! [ she wipes her face with one of her paper towels, then holds up the face-sized stain for the camera ] Oh! Mercy me! I am givin' off some body butter today! Y'all, PLEASE go buy some of these Soakem's so people will get off my double bubble! I am gonna take a HEAT NAP on my face on my sun porch, and I BETTER put down a Soakem or I'm gonna ruin my pillows! Love y'all!

[ Paula grabs her bowl of butter and begins digging her fingers in and licking as she exits the kitchen ]

[ cut to house exterior, with product label ]

[ fade ]

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