Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 7




















10g: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine

Mega-Mart

Spokesman.....Bobby Moynihan
Customer.....Anne Hathaway

Spokesman: Clear your calendars! Chug that coffee! And wake the kids! Because THIS Friday is BLACK Friday at Mega-Mart!

[ stock photo of Mega-Mart exterior ]

Announcer: BLACK FRIDAY!!

Spokesman: It's the biggest shopping day of the year, and we're giving you INCREDIBLE $aving$, with:

Announcer: MEGA-MART!! 12 MINUTE MADNESS!!

Spokesman: This is the shortest, craziest, sale in retail history!

[ stock footage of crazed shoppers trampling over one another as they rush into the store ]

Spokesman V/O: You have just TWELVE minutes to rush in, and grab all the deals you can carry!

Spokesman: It's gonna be a Savings Stampede!

[ speeded-up stock footage of cattle running through their pen ]

Announcer: SAVINGS STAMPEDE!!

Spokesman: Door buster specials like: iPads for $39.00!

[ superimposed crowd rushed past, knocking the Spokesman over ]

Spokesman: 3D Televisions for $71.00!

[ superimposed crowd rushed past, knocking the Spokesman over ]

Spokesman: And a secret, unpublished Harry Potter novel -- Harry Potter and the Treacherous Crawl Space -- it's available for only $6! And there's ONLY seven left! So line up early, because we're starting at 4 a.m.!

Announcer: CRACK 'A DAWN!!

[ a rooster appears over the words and crows ]

Spokesman: That's right, Coked Up Rooster!

[ stock footage of crowds lined up outside ]

Spokesman V/O: At 4 a.m., we will SWING our doors open to anybody and EVERYbody!

Spokesman: JUST as soon as we finish waxing and mopping our floors!

[ reveal store aisle with a WET FLOOR sign ]

Announcer: SLIDE INTO $AVINGS!

[ speeded-up footage of a narrow aisle ]

Spokesman V/O: ALL the best deals are located at the very back of the store, down a narrow aisle packed with merchandise!

Announcer: FIRE HAZARD!!

Spokesman: And, to make room for more customers, we've removed our security guards!

[ superimposed footage of a security guard blasting into space ]

[ stock footage of tents set up outside the store ]

Spokesman V/O: People have already started camping out in a tailgate sponsored by Four Loko -- America's premier hillbilly and cholo fuel!

Spokesman: If you show up too late, you will be HUMILIATED!

[ cut to customer Janice Wrust standing in a line ]

Janice Wrust: [ freaking out ] I'm ready to do whatever it takes to get the 12x12 Finished in A Flash Disney Scrapbooking Kit. I'll steel myself, my stakes' in order, and I've made peace with my God and those around me, so I'll get the 12x12 Finished in A Flash Disney Scrapbooking Kit, JUST YOU WAIT! Whoo, what a day for shopping!

Spokesman: Your shopping carts can only be slowed by ONE thing: BOXES!! So everyone in our Mega-Mart 12-minute frenzy will get a FREE box cutter at the door!

Announcer: FREE BOX CUTTER!!

Spokesman: And, to keep the energy up, we've hired DJ Thunderthrust, one of the TOP death-metal DJs in the tri-state area! He'll be playing music SO loud...

Announcer: NO ONE!! CAN HEAR YOU!! SCREAM!!

Spokesman: Finally, we're proud to have 93-year old actor Kirk Douglas on hand, to sign copies of his book -- The Ragman's Son! Kirk will be hidden somewhere in the store, and the first three customers to find and touch him, will win ONE FREE KINDLE!!

Announcer: CATCH HIM!! TOUCH HIM!! WIN!!

Spokesman: So strap on yuor combat boots, and start running for Black Friday's 12-minute madness at Mega-Mart!

[ a superimposed crowd runs past on a loop ]

Spokesman: This is happening!! Ha ha!!

[ close-up of Spokesman's frenzied face ]

Spokesman: THIS IS HAPPENING!!!

Announcer: GET IT!! DO IT!! OWN IT!! MEGA-MART!!

[ fade ]


SNL Transcripts