Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 7

10g: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine

Visiting the Queen

Prince William.....Andy Samberg
queen Elizabeth.....Fred Armisen
Prince Philip.....Bill Hader
Kate Middleton.....Anne Hathaway
Servant.....Taran Killam

[ open on exterior, Buckingham Palace, with various superimposed newspaper headlines announcing Prince Williams engagement ]

[ dissolve to interior, Queen's parlor ]

Prince William: Hello, Grandmama. Hello, Grandpapa.

Queen Elizabeth: Hello, William.

Prince Philip: Hello, my dear boy.

Prince William: Of course, you remember my girlfriend Catherine.

Kate Middleton: Itís a pleasure to see you again, Your Majesties.

Queen Elizabeth & Prince Philip: [ bored ] Yes, quite, yes, yes...

Prince William: We wanted you to be the first to know that we are to be wed.

Queen Elizabeth: Catherine, we welcome you to our family with open heart and open hearts.

Kate Middleton: Thank you. I love your grandson very much and Iím honoured to join the Windsor family, Your Majesty.

[ Servant enters ]

Servant: Beg your pardon, Prince William, telephone call for you.

Prince William: Ah well, Iíll only be a moment; do chat until I return.

[ Prince William exits with the Servant ]

Kate Middleton: Your Majesties, William and I have been walking on air, itís all so brilliant and exciting!

Queen Elizabeth: [ sternly ] Shut up!

Kate Middleton: [ taken aback ] What?

Queen Elizabeth: I said SHUT your mouth! [ she jumps to her feet ]

Prince Philip: What do you want?

Kate Middleton: Iím sorry Your Majesty, what do I want?

Queen Elizabeth: [ she props one leg on the chair ] Just what you want, yeh? Right, youíve seen our set-up here and you like it, yeah little girl?

Prince Philip: [ now chewing on a toothpick ] You want a piece of our palace action, aye?

Queen Elizabeth: What, you think you can just like show up and take over yeah, do a bit of Queening in there, right?

Kate Middleton: I beg your pardon Your Majesty, but why are you two talking like that?

Prince Philip: This is how we really talk, love. Not so nice, right? But it gets the job done, donít it?

Kate Middleton: Your Majesty, I promise I donít want a piece of your action, I want to marry William

Queen Elizabeth: Alright, well if you gonna be part of the family, you gotta know the rules.

Kate Middleton: Your Majesty, your secretary briefed me on all the royal etiquette.

Prince Philip: Iím not talking about about salad forks, love. This ainít ďThe Princess Diaries.Ē

Queen Elizabeth: Thatís right, Ďcause that movieís crap, ainít it?

Kate Middleton: I think it has its moments but... what rules are you talking about, Your Majesty?

Queen Elizabeth: Aíight, first off, when it comes to stuff at the palace yeah, donít go asking questions like ďWhere díyou get this vase?Ē or ďWhere that throne from?Ē

Prince Philip: ĎCause chances are we nicked it.

Queen Elizabeth: Thatís right. Look, never forget that we are in charge here, yeah? You see that rope over there? Phil, pull the rope.

Prince Philip: Alright, the rope.

[ Prince Philip pulls the rope; the Servant enters ]

Servant: Yes, Your Majesty?

Prince Philip: Piss off!

Servant: Yes, Your Majesty.

[ Servant exits ]

Queen Elizabeth: Itís not bad, is it?

Kate Middleton: Majesty, why did you call him in just to tell him to... piss off?

Queen Elizabeth: ĎCause we do whatever the hell we want!

Prince Philip: Yeah!

[ Prince William re-enters ]

Prince William: Iím back.

Queen Elizabeth: [ backing off ] That was the first time Iíd ever met Sir Winston Churchill.

Prince William: So sorry, Grandmama, it seems there was a bit of trouble with Prince Harry. He was over-served at a party and ended up crashing his motor car in full blackface.

Queen Elizabeth: Oh? How dreadful, but William, we weíre just getting to know dear Catherine. Leave us be for another few minutes.

Prince William: Oh Kate, Grandmama has never taken to anyone like this, what joy! Iíll be back!

Kate Middleton: Donít...

[ Prince William exits ]

Prince Philip: Nice little bloke, isnít he? He used to be better-looking, but still.

Kate Middleton: Your Majesties...

Queen Elizabeth: Look, drop the Majesty crap, right? Call me Debra.

Kate Middleton: Alright... Debra...

Queen Elizabeth: Well, itís a clever girl, thatís good.

Prince Philip: When it comes to being a wife, when youíre out there waving to a parade, you be Princess Di, you be Princess Grace, but in the bedroom, think Fergie.

Kate Middleton: Oh my God, thatís horrible!

Queen Elizabeth: Well weíre horrible people, arenít we?

Kate Middleton: Whereís William? Whereís William, I want to go! I want to get away from you!

Queen Elizabeth: No no, you canít get away from me Ďcause Iím on the money, ainít I? Iím on the money, Iím in your wallet. Iím in your wallet...

Kate Middleton: William!

[ Prince William re-enters ]

Queen Elizabeth: [ backing off ] That is why we ride in a carriage.

Prince William: So sorry Grandmama, but Kate and I have to give a press conference now. Letís go my love.

Prince Philip: Wonderful getting to know you my dear.

Queen Elizabeth: Please, please call again soon.

Kate Middleton: Goodbye Your Majes... Goodbye Debra!

[ Prince William and Kate exit ]

Queen Elizabeth: Iíll bet Iíll kick your arse, you git!

[ Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip break into a scuffle ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Jacques

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