Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 7












10g: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine

TSA

Girl #1.....Kristen Wiig
Girl #2.....Abby Elliott
Girl #3.....Nasim Pedrad
TSA Agent #1.....Kenan Thompson
TSA Agent #2.....Bill Hader
TSA Agent #3.....Bobby Moynihan

Announcer: [ over SUPER: ] "The following is a paid advertisement."

[ dissolve to hazy, soft-porn images of various girls ]

Girl #1: Feeling lonely this holiday season?

Girl #2: Looking for a little human interaction?

Girl #3: Do you want to feel contact in certain... "special" places?

[ dissolve to three TSA agents ]

TSA Agent #1: Then why not go through security at an airport?

[ dissolve to title card: "Transportation Security Administration" ]

V/O: The TSA.

[ dissolve back to the TSA agents ]

TSA Agent #2: TSA agents are ready and standing by to give you a little something extra to feel thankful about this holiday season.

[ the letters "T S A" scroll slowly across a black screen ]

V/O: T-S-A!

[ dissolve to another TSA agent ]

TSA Agent #3: What are you waiting for? [ he snaps a rubber glove onto his hand ] I want to check under your testicles!

[ the letters "T S A" scroll slowly across a black screen ]

V/O: T-S-A!

[ dissolve to seductive angle scrolls of the TSA agents ]

Announcer: Spending time with a TSA agent couldn't be easier. Simply book a flight departing from any American airport. When selected for a full body scanning, say "No." You'll be pulled aside by a TSA agent, and that's when the fun begins. And you never know who your agent will be.

[ dissolve to tight shots of the girls ]

Girl #3: It could be me.

Girl #2: Or me.

Girl #1: Or even me.

[ cut to the three TSA agents ]

TSA Agent #1: But it's probably gonna be US! Now TAKE OFF YOUR DAMN SHOE!!!

[ dissolve to title card: "Transportation Security Administration" ]

Announcer: The TSA. It's our business to touch yours.

[ fade ]


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