Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 7

10g: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine


Anchor, Jack.....Jason Sudeikis
Herb Welch.....Bill Hader
Maria DeSalvo.....Anne Hathaway
Ricky.....Paul Brittain
Sister.....Nasim Pedrad

[ open on news logo ]

Announcer: You're watching WXPD News, New York.

[ dissolve to studio anchor ]

Anchor: Morning, everyone. Our top story today: Shots were fired last night outside a midtown convenience store, and residents of a 50th Street apartment bilding saw the entire incident. Our own veteran reporter, Herb Welch, is on the scene. And, today he's celebrating his 60th year in broadcasting.

[ dissolve to Herb Welch on the scene ]

Herb Welch: [ barely conscious ] ...Hello, Jack.

Anchor: Hello, Herb -- and congratulations! Now, tell us -- what's happening down there?

Herb Welch: I'm here with Maria De -- De -- Sylvia.

Maria DeSalvo: DeSalvo!

Herb Welch: What?

Maria DeSalvo: Maria De. Salv. O.

Herb Welch: [ he sighs ] Well, I don't know. Why -- why don't you tell me what happened? [ he thrusts the microphone against her nose ]

Maria DeSalvo: Uh -- well, I heard some shooting outside, and, uh, the kids were looking out the windows, so I told them, you know, "Get down!"

Herb Welch: Do you have any, uh, fun plans for, uh, for Turkey Day? [ he thrusts the microphone against her nose ]

Maria DeSalvo: Uh -- what?!

Herb Welch: You gonna cook a bird, or, I don't know, some yams or something?

Maria DeSalvo: Well -- [ she flinches in prepration for Herb's microphone whack ] We go to my Mother's.

Herb Welch: So there you have it. Back to YOU, Jack!

Anchor: Okay, now, now, now wait a minute, Herb. Why don't we ask her a little more about the robbery? Like, what time was it?

Herb Welch: What's that?

Anchor: What TIME was it?

Herb Welch: Oh. Uh -- uh -- uh -- What time is it? [ he thrusts the microphone against her nose ]

Maria DeSalvo: Oh! It's, like... 10 a.m.

Herb Welch: 10 a.m., Jack. You ought to wear a WATCH! When I was an anchor, I always wore a watch!

Anchor: No, Herb -- ask her what time she heard the shots!

Herb Welch: Alright. Well, uh, what time did you hear the shots?

[ he thrusts the microphone toward her nose, but she ducks out of the way ]

Maria DeSalvo: I think it was around 8:30, but -- [ Herb thrusts the microphone upward to hit her in the nose, then thumps it on her nose a few times ] No. [ thump ] My -- [ thump ] kid -- [ thump ] my kid saw everything! Everything!

Herb Welch: Thank you. Take it awaaaaaay, Jack!

Anchor: No, Herb! Herb! It sounds -- it sounds like the children may have seen the shooting. Okay? Why don't we talk to one of them Herb?

Herb Welch: [ shaking his fingers at the camera ] You call me "Mr. Welch!"

Anchor: [ incredulous ] Alright. Alright, Mr. Welch. Ask who SAW the SHOOTING!

Herb Welch: Alright, now. Uh -- uh -- uh -- uh, who saw the shooting?

[ he psyche-thumps the microphone at her a few times ]

Maria DeSalvo: My boy -- Ricky! Ricky. [ she points off-screen ]

Herb Welch: Uh -- [ he turns around ] Come here. [ he pulls Ricky into frame ] I got him. Now -- now -- now, what do you want me to do?

Anchor: [ shaking his head ] Ask him what he saw.

Herb Welch: Alright. What did you see? [ he thrusts the microphone against Ricky's nose ]

Ricky: I saw two guys come runnin' out of the store, and they jumped into a red car.

Herb Welch: Who's your favorite baseball player?

Ricky: Uh -- what? [ Herb whacks Ricky in the nose with his microphone ] What are you talking -- ?

[ Ricky's sister steps forward ]

Sister: They didn't jump in a car -- they jumped in a van?

Herb Welch: Who are you? [ he thrusts the microphone against her nose ]

Sister: I'm his sister.

[ Herb repeatedly thumps each kid as they argue during their turn ]

Ricky: Stupid! It was a CAR!

Sister: It was a VAN! You don't remember!

Ricky: Yeah, I DO!

Sister: No -- Ow! Hey!

[ Herb begins to manaically whack each kid with the microphone as their argument escalates ]

Anchor: Herb! Herb! HERB!! Herb, quit hitting them with the microphone!! [ Herb doesn't stop ] Herb, this is ridiculous!! STOP IT!!!

Herb Welch: What, what?

Anchor: STOP IT!!!

Herb Welch: Hey! I'm not gonna take reporting lessons from some haircut!

Anchor: Oh? Well, maybe you should, because you're a lousy reporter.

[ Maria runs into frame ]

Maria DeSalvo: Hey... hey! Excuse me, Jack! With all due respect, uh, I don't think you should yell at Mr. Welch so much. He's just a little confused, alright?

Herb Welch: That's right...

Maria DeSalvo: There's a lot of different apartments before we found him in the hall, but, considering how old he is... he's doing a pretty good job.

Herb Welch: This broadcast, by the way, is brought to you by Kale's Brill Creme!

Anchor: [ shaking his head ] No, it's NOT!

Herb Welch: Son of a bitch!

[ Herb begins to pelt the camera with his microphone ]

Anchor: Okay. Okay. Okay, Herb! Alright, this was a BIG mistake! Alright, we apologize to you at home. We'll follow up on that story later. Coming up: Some local residents are up in arms about asbestos found in their building. [ a paper is handed to him ] Oh, and some... sad news -- we've jsut received word that veteran reporter, Herb Welch... died five seconds ago.

[ cut to Herb sitting dead on a couch with Maria DeSalvo, with SUPER: "HERB WELCH, 1920-2010" ]

[ suddenly, Herb rises and begins to pelt the camera with his microphone ]

Herb Welch: I'm not dead, you bastards!

[ cut to news logo ]

[ fade ]

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