Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 8

10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money

Blizzard Man

Female Studio Exec......Kristen Wiig
Male Studio Exec.....Jason Sudeikis
Himself.....Sean "Diddy" Combs
Studio Engineer.....Kenan Thompson
Blizzard Man.....Andy Samberg
Mrs. Blizzard.....Robert DeNiro

[FADE IN on the exterior of Superhits Studios. FADE inside to the recording studio, where Sean "Diddy" Combs stands behind the engineer and two execs stand across the room.]

Female Studio Exec: Alright Diddy, youíre a week past deadline on this album. I hope you have some good stuff to show us.

Diddy: Donít worry about it. I got this guy thatís cominí in thatís crazy; heís the hottest hook guy in the business.

Male Studio Exec: Oh yeah? Whoís that, Trey Songz?

Diddy: Better.

Female Studio Exec: Bruno Mars?

Diddy: No. Blizzard Man.

Studio Engineer: Oh, the Blizzard Man. Yeah, Iíve heard of him; legend has it heís a hip hop hermit.

[The door buzzer goes off]

Diddy: That must be him right there.

[He walks to the door as it opens up. Enter Blizzard Man, a white guy with blow-dry hair in a multicolored jacket. They exchange a hip-hop handshake and hug.]

Blizzard Man: Yo.

Diddy: Blizzy Blaze, my man!

Blizzard Man: What it do?

Diddy: You ready to do this?

Blizzard Man: Wiggity word!

[Blizzard Man removes his jacket, drops it on the floor, and enters the recording booth.]

Diddy: Okay, letís go

Studio Engineer: [looking a bit confused] So, uh, thatís the Blizzard Man?

Diddy: Yeah, itís the Blizzard Man. Check this, man; donít judge a book by its cover. My man is like R. Kelly, Erykah Badu, Kate Hudson all rolled into one.

[Both studio execs nod their heads.]

Male Studio Exec: Mmm-hmm. [smiling] Now youíre speakin my language, Diddy.

Diddy: [bends over toward the microphone] Aight, Blizz; Iím gonna let the beat rock, and you just do your thing baby. Letís go!

Blizzard Man: Holla back.

[A hip-hop track starts playing as Blizzard Man starts rocking to the beat.]

Blizzard Man: Yo, Iím Ďbout to set it! Itís your boy Young Blizz! Iím a just do me! Check my style out!

[As the beat keeps going, Blizzard Man launches full-tilt into his rap, off-key and out of sync.]

Blizzard Man: Rap song, rap song, rap is the fad that the kids all dig! Fancy duds are what we sport, and when the ladies shake the leg we peek at their buns! Yo, where Brooklyn at? [crosses his arms with a smug look on his face]

Diddy: Woooo! [pumps his fist in the air.] Black class, black fire! Brooklynís in the house! I told yíall, thatís my man! Heís crazy!

Studio Engineer: [confused, disgusted look on his face] What? That was awful!

Male Studio Exec: Yeah, yeah.

Female Studio Exec: Yeah that was...that sucked.

Male Studio Exec: It was bad. It sucked bad.

Diddy: Yíall just hatiní. That kid in there, heís the truth.

[The door buzzer goes off again]

Studio Engineer: Well, who is that?

Blizzard Man: Yo, thatís my Momz.

[The door opens. Enter Mrs. Blizzard Ė an older woman with a horrendous multicolored shirt, stretch pants, pink shades, and a large gold chain around her neck.]

Mrs. Blizzard: Whatís up, snitches?

Diddy: [checking her out] Itís indeed a pleasure to meet you. [kisses her hand and continues to admire her]

Mrs. Blizzard: Oh Diddis, you know a bitch gotta stay dipped!

Diddy: Indeed.

Studio Engineer: [looking very confused] Whaaaat?!

Diddy: Alright, letís get back to makiní this smash. [bends over toward the microphone] Hey Blizzy Rock, letís hit it one more time baby!

[The hip-hop track starts playing once again as Blizzard Man moves to the beat.]

Blizzard Man: Yo! Uh! Streets want it! Another bad creation! You crazy for this one, MC Scat Cat? Check my style out!

[The beat keeps going, and Blizzard Man once again launches full-tilt into his rap, off-key and out of sync.]

Blizzard Man: The city is spooky, but weíre not scared. We hang on the stoop and razz the cops. Then we stuff socks down the front of our jeans, and the gals see the bulge and they think itís our wang! Yo! No homo. [crosses his arms with a smug look on his face]

Diddy: Woooo!

Studio Engineer: [looking thoroughly agitated] NO!

Diddy: What you talking Ďbout? My boy just killed it in there!

Mrs. Blizzard: Yeah, donít front on Blitz. Heís...heís spittiní hot fire!

Diddy: [turns to Mrs. Blizzard and checks her out once again] No, girl, you the one thatís hot fire. You wasnít my manís mom, Iíd tear that ass up.

Mrs. Blizzard: Thank you! [turns around and grinds against Diddy with her rear-end]

[The male studio exec canít believe what heís hearing / seeing.]

Female Studio Exec: Ummm, you must be really proud of your son?

Mrs. Blizzard: Oh yes indeed. Heís a roughneck who gets his thug on, and he looks like a young Denzel.

[CUT to Blizzard Man in the booth; he has a moronic, blank stare on his face and his mouth hangs open.]

Studio Engineer: Man, he looks like heís going to the bathroom!

Diddy: Alright alright, one more time. [bends towards the microphone] Blizz Nasty, come on, I want you to really put it on Ďem this time. Letís go!

[Hip-hop track resumes]

Blizzard Man: Yo! Bad boy is in the buildiní! We run New York! Diddy and Blizzy! Nineteen ninety FORK!

Studio Engineer: [to Diddy] Ninety fork?

Blizzard Man: Yo, parents donít understand! Hungry like the wolf! Check my style out!

[Blizzard Man once again launches into his terrible, off-beat / off-key rap. As he raps, the camera CUTS to the studio execs and the engineer Ė all with horrified looks on their faces.]

Blizzard Man: New York is a heck of a town. We all talk funny Ďcuz weíre from the streets. We shoot the crud and drink malted beers, and wear novelty chains of enormous size. This song needed pizzazz; Iím makiní it cook with my velvety pipes.

[Diddy and Mrs. Blizzard begin dancing; bumping and grinding to the music.]

Blizzard Man: The glare from our diamonds are so dang bright that I lose my stomach and barf on the stool. Doop doop doobidy doop boop a doop...

Male Studio Exec: Well congratulations, Diddy. I think you got yourself another hit.

Diddy: As I told yíall, we going straight to the top with this one baby. Yeeah!

[FADE to a Daily Press newspaper headline which reads, "NEW DIDDY SONGS HITS #1: BLIZZARD MANíS MOM TO APPEAR ON THE COVER OF ĎKINGí MAGAZINE." HOLD on the chart for several seconds, then FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Nick F.

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