Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8














10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

What's That Name?

Vince Blight.....Bill Hader
Jake.....Paul Rudd
Carolyn.....Vanessa Bayer
Norman.....Kenan Thompson
Mary.....Kristen Wiig

Announcer: And now, it's time to play: "What's That Name?" And here's your host -- Vince Blight!

[ Vince Blight runs onto the game set ]

Vince Blight: Alright! Hello, hello, hello! And welcome to "What's That Name?" The rules are simple: We show you a person, and you tell us their name! Our contestants today are: Jake, a CFO at Smith & Price; and Carolyn, a senior partner at Chapman Real Estate. And the first question goes to Jake: [ image: Jared Fogel holding large pants ] He's Subway's #1 spokesman. What's That Name!

Jake: [ confidently ] Jared Fogel!

[ ding! ]

Vince Blight: $20 for you! Carolyn, you're up: [ image: Steve Zahn ] He's the second lead in the film "Saving Silverman". What's That Name!

Carolyn: [ thinking ] Oh... uh... I know this. Um... Steve Zahn!

[ ding! ]

Vince Blight: $20 for you! Now it's time to up the ante. The next one is for $10,000. And here to read the clue... is the man himself!

[ a building doorman steps out ]

Norman: I've been your doorman for FOUR years! I open the door for you every day! I've always got a joke... and a smile! What's MY name!

Jake: [ smiling with embarrassment ] Heyyyy! Hey, man! How's it -- how's it hanging?

Norman: Low and lazy. What's my name! I know your whole family! Your son, Ozzie, loves outer space! What's my name!

Jake: ...Carl?

[ buzz! ]

Vince Blight: Audience! What's that name!

Audience: NORMAN!!

Norman: [ fuming ] Norman the Doorman.

Jake: I'm -- I'm so sorry! [ with awkward desperation ] Say... hi to the wife for me.

Norman: I'm sorry, what's that?! Say hi to my wife? Yeah, okay -- I'll take the BUS... out to Forest Hills CEMETERY... and tell her that you said HELLO!!

[ Norman storms off the set ]

Jake: [ annoyed ] God... what the hell kind of show IS this?!

Vince Blight: It's "What's That Name?"! [ he smiles ] Carolyn, you're up! And we've got another walk-on clue!

[ a cleaning lady steps out with her garbage can ]

Mary: For ten years, I clean your office every day. What's my name?

Carolyn: [ stunned ] Ohhhhh, it's... you! Uhhhh... Do you have any fun plans for the holidays?

Mary: Yes. CLEANING YOUR OFFICE!! What's my name?

Vince Blight: [ mocking ] You don't seem to know her naaaame!

Carolyn: [ struggling to save face ] I think it's something, like... Eeee-yore?

Mary: That is cartoon donkey.

Carolyn: Of course, it is! Uh... Eeee-dore!

[ buzz! ]

Vince Blight: What's That Name!

Audience: MARY!!

Mary: [ pissed ] But Steve Zahn you know.

[ Mary strolls off the set ]

Carolyn: I just wish... those people wore name tags.

Vince Blight: [ incredulous ] Those people?!

Jake: I do want to say: I think what you're doing is pretty lousy!

Vince Blight: Well, I think you're lousy!

Jake: Do you know your cameramen's names?

Vince Blight: The middle one's Charlie!

Jake: What about the other two?

Vince Blight: IIIII'm not a contestant!

Jake: What are their names?!

Vince Blight: I'd tell you if I were a contestant... but I'm not! YOU are! And here's your next clue:

[ a group of students enters ]

Jake: Who the hell are they?

Vince Blight: Eight of your summer interns. They worked for you for free for four months. If you can tell me any of their names... I'll give you a MILLION DOLLARS!

Jake: I, uhhh... [ panicking ] Oh, geez... I don't know. I don't know, I'm just gonna say a name. Josh.

[ ding! ]

Vince Blight: There are THREE Joshes! That means you win THREE million dollars!

Jake: [ excited ] Oh, WOW!!

Vince Blight: Plus, you've got the opportunity to go double or nothing in our BONUS ROUND!! What do you say?

Jake: Alright, well, you know, I-I guess I'm on a HOT streak! Let's go double or nothing!

Vince Blight: Fantastic! Here to read the bonus clue... is the man himself!

[ Norman runs out once again ]

Norman: WHAT'S MY NAME!!

Jake: [ fidgeting ] Ohhhh!! God, no! I-I wasn't paying attention before! Josh?

[ buzz! ]

Vince Blight: Wwwwhat's that name!

Audience: NORMAN!!!

Vince Blight: Norman the Doorman! It RHYMES, even!

Jake: Yeah. Right, it does. So easy.

Vince Blight: Well, Jake, that puts you back to ZERO. That's our show. But stayed tuned for a NEW game show called: "What's ni Your Internet History?" Yikes! Whew!

[ fade ]


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