Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

A Message from the President of the United States

President Barack Obama.....Fred Armisen

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: The following is an address from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President Barack Obama seated at desk in Oval Office ]

President Barack Obama: Uh, good evening. Uh, in the next few days... the U.S. House of Representatives... and the Senate... will be voting on a vital piece of legislation. Uh, it is a tax package worked out by this White House and Republican Congressional leaders. And it is absolutely essential that it pass, both to extend unemployment benefits to those out of work... and to prevent a massive tax increase... on the American middle class... at a time when the economy can least afford it.

Now, I know that many of you are unhappy with parts of this proposal, especially that it includes tax cuts for those making over $250,000 a year. But, the simple fact is... this White House had no choice. Republican leaders insisted on tax cuts for the wealthy... and, as I said in my press conference Monday, they had decided to hold us hostage. Literally. They held us hostage in all for about... three days. Bound... gagged... blindfolded... in a dark room somewhere outside Washington. It was a terrifying experience. Uh, hard to put into words. I don't think I'll ever get over it, really.

And here's something else: The Stockholm Syndrome -- where hostages come to identify and agree with their captors -- that's a real phenomenon. It really is. I learned that for myself when, on the fourth day, I suddenly decided that I kind of agreed with the Republican philosophy of trickle-down economics. That's why, to me, the tax cuts for the wealthy... aren't a big problem. They're the best part of the bill. [ enthuiastically ] You watch. I predict the rich will use that extra money to go out and create jobs. Millions and millions of jobs. It's like Rush said on his show the other day: "I never got hired by a poor person." [ he giggles coquettishly ]

So, if House Speaker Nancy Pelosi -- or as I now like to call her: "San Francisco Nancy" -- would just stop her obstructionist tactics and let this bill come to a vote, we can get our economy moving again. Now, "San Francisco Nancy" and her Democrat pals need to understand that, six weeks ago, the American people went to the polls and overwhelmingly rejected their San Francisco values... and their class warfare politics.

Now, one more thing: I would be remiss were I to appear before you tonight and not express my extreme disappointment -- perhaps "outrage" is a better word -- at the unjust treatment accorded Bristol Palin recently on "Dancing with the Stars". The judges' decision was a travesty. And I join the First Lady, as well as her fellow Mama Grizzlies, in condemning it.

Well, that's all for tonight. I will see you next week in Tampa, Florida, when I join Glenn Beck and Bill O'Reilly as part of our Bold Fresh Tour. Now, in closing, let me reassure you that however long it takes, this nation's current troubles will pass... because you Americans never have, and never will, give up. I say "You Americans" because, even though I always thought I was born here, uhhhh... lately I've begun to have my doubts.

Thank you, and "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

SNL Transcripts