Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8


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10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

.....Seth Meyers
The Devil.....Jason Sudeikis
Anthony Crispino.....Bobby Moynihan

Announcer: "Weekend Update", with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Good evening, I'm Seth Meyers. Here are tonight's top stories:

Many Democrats were upset this week with President Obama, saying that he failed to negotiate with the Republicans in extending the Bush-era tax cuts, and that he caved in on raising taxes with on the rich. Man, if other Democrats think you caved, you really caved! That's like the Chess Club President calling you a nerd.

When Democrats this week rejected Obama's compromise plan, the White House took a page from the music industry: If you're not selling like you used to, break out the greatest hits.

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange was arrested on Monday, and now all Americans can sleep easy knowing they have nothing more to fear from the bad man who wanted them to read.

In an interview this week with Barbara Walters, Oprah Winfrey denied that she is a lesbian, saying, "I'm not even kind of a lesbian." Said Walters, "I haven't asked you a question yet."

New Jersey's first bear hunt in five years started Monday. So be on your guard, mob wives.

It was reported that a number of professional athletes are now seeking to copyright their personal slogans, including the New York Jets Darrelle Revis' "Revis Island," Michael Strahan's "Stomp You Out," Terrell Owens' "I Love Me Some," and, of course, Brett Farve's "Say Hello To My Little Friend."

A man in Kentucky has been sentenced to 33 months in prison for threatening President Obama in a poem called "The Sniper". And I would guess that "Poetry" is the absolute worst answer you can give to the question: "what are you in for?"

Seth Meyers: A car carrying Prince Charles and his wife Camilla was attacked Thursday in London by angry student protesters who were upset over a hike in university tuition fees. And to find out what Charles and Camilla were saying, it's time for a "Weekend Update Audio Caption." [ show graphic ] And here to help me perform it -- Paul McCartney. [ McCartney appears to thunderous applause ] Alright! Welcome to Weekend Update, Paul. Are you ready?"

Paul McCartney: I am.

Seth Meyers: Okay. So I will be the voice of Prince Charles, and you'll be Camilla.

Paul McCartney: Great.

Seth Meyers: Okay. And... can you do an English accent?

Paul McCartney: I can try.

Seth Meyers: Okay. Annnnnd... action! [ as Prince Charles, over graphic ] "Ohhhhhhh, no!"

Paul McCartney: [ as Camilla ] "Oh, goodness me!"

Seth Meyers: "Ner-do-wells!"

Paul McCartney: "Ruffians!"

Seth Meyers: "Ohhhhh, Camilla!"

Paul McCartney: "Oh, Charles, do something!"

Seth Meyers: "Ohhhhhh, no matter what happens, I love you, Camilla!"

Paul McCartney: "And I love you!"

Seth Meyers & Paul McCartney: "I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you!"

Seth Meyers: Annnnnd... scene! [ the audience applauds wildly ] So, uh -- how do you think that went?

Paul McCartney: It's probably the best thing I've ever worked on.

Seth Meyers: Paul McCartney, everyone!

It was announced that, after 70 years, the syndicated newspaper comic strip Brenda Starr will end. So now the comics page will have room for the edgy, new strip "Ziggy: Nights."

A new report suggests that men who grow up in the country have larger penises than men who grow up in the city. I don't know if that's true... [ in a hick accent ] but I reckon it could be!

A&E, this week, cancelled David Hasselhoff's new reality series "The Hasselhoffs", after just two episodes. It's hard to say how Hasselhoff will take the news, but I'm going to guess... lying down?

Seth Meyers: It's Christmastime in New York, which means millions will be heading to the city to celebrate. Here with some tips on what New York can offer, is our City correspondent... Stefon.

Stefon: [ low-key ] Hey!

Seth Meyers: Stefon, how have you been?

Stefon: The same.

Seth Meyers: Okay. So, Stefon -- lots of people are heading here for a great New York Christmas. Do you have any tips on what they can see and do?

Stefon: Yes. If you're here from Ohio -- or whatever -- look no further: New York's hottest club is Ounce! Located in the middle of the East River, this place has EVERYTHING! Chullos... cute people... a sheepdog that looks like Bruce Vilanch... an entire room of puppets doing karate!

Seth Meyers: I'm sorry? An, um... and why are puppets doing karate?

Stefon: Because it's that thing of when someone calls Miss Piggy "fat", and she goes: "Hiiiii-ya!" [ he covers his face with his hands ]

Seth Meyers: Um... Now, Stefon, when I said, you know, "Fun things for the holiday" --

Stefon: Yes.

Seth Meyers: I meant, uh, things that were a little more... normal.

Stefon: Mmm-hmmmmmm. Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Seth Meyers: Um... can you think of anything that might be, a little more, sort of, like classic New York holiday.

Stefon: Mmm-hmm, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! If you want your Christmas in New York to be classic, look no further: New York's hottest club is Ooooomph! This lower lower East Side dump is the creation of club owner Tranderson Cooper. And it finally answers the question: "Do I have to?" [ he makes a panicked face ] This place has everything! Schitzos... kite enthusiasts... and that's not all! Look who just came in -- it's BLINGO!

Seth Meyers: I'm sorry? Blingo?

Stefon: Black Ringo!

Seth Meyers: Oh.

[ Stefon covers his face with his hands to keep from laughing ]

Seth Meyers: Stefon... buddy. Um... I don't know how to say this, but, look -- I was brought up to respect people from all walks of life.

Stefon: Tolerance?

Seth Meyers: Yeah. And I glad that you have a world you feel comfortable in.

Stefon: Dungeon culture, yes. Yes.

Seth Meyers: But... but, look, buddy -- you know, I'm kind of an old-fashioned guy. You know? Born and raised in New Hampshire --

Stefon: [ excited ] A glimpse into Seth Meyers! [ he covers his face with his hands and stifles his laughter ]

Seth Meyers: Okay. And, uh -- I just wanted -- I wanted... yeah! But I just wanted to help folks. You know?

Stefon: Folks. Mmm-hmm.

Seth Meyers: You know? And I want them to find some good old-fashioned Christmas cheer.

Stefon: Mmmmmmmmm... yes! [ he makes an o-face ]

Seth Meyers: Stefon, can you help us with that?

Stefon: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! If you're old... or into fashion... I've got the place for you: New York's hottest holiday club is Blitzen! And, right now, they're having a "12 Days of Christmas" dance party!

Seth Meyers: [ touched ] Oh! "12 Days of Christmas". Now, see? That sounds nice!

Stefon: And it has EVERYTHING! [ singing ] "12 jacked albinos... 11 Little Richards... 10 piercer babies... 9 Asian Balkis... 8 gay Aladdins... 7 psychos swearing... 6 PuertaScreeches..." -- Puerto Rican Screeches! [ he laughs ]

Seth Meyers: Of course! Of course. Yeah. We all knew that. We all knew that.

Stefon: "-- 5 homeless Elmos... 4 coked-up frogs... 3 French hens... Tay-lor Ne-gron... and a hu-man park-ing co-o-o-o-one!"

Seth Meyers: So...

Stefon: Lay it on me, my man! What's your question?

Seth Meyers: My question is: What's a human parking cone?

Stefon: Yes! It's that thing of when two jacked midgets... paint themselves orange and you have to parallel park between them! [ he covers his face with his hands and laughs uncontrollably ]

Seth Meyers: [ amused ] Oh, that thing! It's that thing.

Stefon: Yes!

Seth Meyers: Stefon --

Stefon: I've done it!

Seth Meyers: I'm gonna ask you a serious question: Stefon, don't you ever just want to have a normal Christmas?

Stefon: Well, I would... but no one ever invites Stefon to a normal Christmas. Awwwwww... [ he eggs the audience on to extend their sympathy ]

Seth Meyers: Well, look... Stefon. Would you like to come to New Hampshire with me?

Stefon: [ excited ] He asked me!

Seth Meyers: Stefon, everybody!

Stefon: I'm on top! I'm on top!

Seth Meyers: My good friend Stefon!

A New York City marketing group is trying to re-brand the area of Manhattan below Canal Street as "CanDo." Which would be an improvement from its current nickname "Fish Stink Murder Town."

A woman in England called police this week to report that her snowman had been stolen from her front yard. Oh, sure -- the police are happy to get involved when a white person goes missing.

A two-year old girl in Pennsylvania had to be rescued by firefighters after she crawled inside a toy crane vending machine in a mall and became stuck. They were able to get her out safely, but it took, like, nine dollars in quarters.

Seth Meyers: For "Weekend Update", I'm Seth Meyers! Good night!


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