Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 10

10j: Jeff Bridges / Eminem & Lil Wayne

Crunkmas Karnival

DJ Supersoak.....Jason Sudeikis
Lil' Blaster.....Nasim Pedrad Ass Dan.....Bobby Moynihan
MC George Costanza.....Jay Pharoah

[ open on fiery Christmas graphics ]

Announcer: Under-Underground Records is BACK!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil' Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: What up, yo! I'm DJ Supersoak!

Lil' Blaster: And I'm Lil' Blaster! And in case you didn't notice, it's that crazy-ass time of year again!

Together: CRUNK-MAS!!

Lil' Blaster: WHOO WHOO!!

DJ Supersoak: And we here, at Under-Underground Records, say it's time to ho-ho celebrate!

Announcer: Announcing the first-ever... CRUNKMAS KARNIVAL!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak ]

DJ Supersoak: There's gonna be TONS of LIVE underground rap and rock music, YO!

Announcer: You want Christmas music? These bands will MAKE! SANTA! PUKE! [ explosion ] With performances by Dump! Homeless Wedding! Frog Blast! Mary Poopins! Third Eye Blind! Butt Snack! Boyz II Dickz! And Scrotum Fire!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil' Blaster ]

Lil' Blaster: Ohhhh, yeahhhhh!! Scrotum Fire! They my ninjas!

DJ Supersoak: AH HAAAAA!! And you BEST not need medical attention, yo! 'Cause the First Aid Kit is:

Announcer: FULL! OF! SNAKES!

Lil' Blaster: And once you're in, you can't leave! 'Cause:


DJ Supersoak: Luckily! You locked in with some DOPE special guests! Like wrestler Koko B Ware!

Lil' Blaster: Comedian Phil Spector!

DJ Supersoak: The STAR of "Spaceballs" -- Pizza the Hut!

Lil' Blaster: And former Surgeon General -- C. Everett Koop! Challenging YOU to a Mayonnaisse Fight!


Lil' Blaster: And we're FINALLY gonna give our deceased friend, Ass Dan, the Wiggedy Wake he DESERVES!

[ cut to Ass Dan lying in a coffin ]

Ass Dan: [ suddenly rising ] YEEEEEEAAHH!! You KNOW I'm still alive, BITCH!! I'm gonna live forev--

[ screen freezes and turns gray, with somber music and SUPER: "ASS DAN, 1981-2010" ]

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil' Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: But Crunkmas Karnival isn't ALL about fun, yo!

Lil' Blaster: No! We're gonna bust soem CHARITY on you bitches!

DJ Supersoak: And here to tell you MORE! Is MC George Costanza!

[ cut to MC George Costanza ]

MC George Costanza: Yo! Instead of Toys For Tots! We got our OWN program! Yeah! It's called: WACK-ASS JUNK FOR IMMIGRANTS!!


MC George Costanza: YEEEEEEAAHH!! We're givin' them the stuff kids DON'T want! Yeah! So bring us your LEAKY BATTERIES! Yeah! Your BROKE-ASS FISH TANKS! Yeah, Yeah! EXPIRED TYLENOL! And we'll give you a free:


Lil' Blaster: We got MAD special events! Like a DONG TUG-OF-WAR!

DJ Supersoak: Yeah! AND! A 2-D screening of "The Owls of Ga'Hoole"

Lil' Blaster: Plus! Don't miss a VERY special panel, y'all! "How Asian-Americans Can Break Into Entertainment"!

DJ Supersoak: And check it! We reunited the entire cast of "Growing Pains", yo! Except for Kirk Cameron, Alan Thicke, Tracey Gold, Jeremy Miller!

Announcer: [ over mostly blacked-out cast photo ] WE GOT THE MOM!!

[ explosion ]

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil' Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: And you KNOW we got LOOSE HAWKS flying ALL OVER THIS BITCH!!

[ hawk flies past screen ]

DJ Supersoak: The Crunkmas Karnival takes place February 13th through the 15th! At, where else? THE METRODOME!

Announcer: [ over footage of snow collapsing through the Metrodome's inflatable roof ] THE METRODOME!!

[ return to fiery Christmas graphics ]

Announcer: See you ninjas there!!

[ explosion ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts