Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 10














10j: Jeff Bridges / Eminem & Lil Wayne

Tunstall General Store

Corvis....Jeff Bridges
Wrapping lady....Kristen Wiig
Mr. Shipley....Bill Hader
Scootch....Bobby Moynihan
Ms. Dawkins....Vanessa Bayer
Common James....Jason Sudeikis

[Opens with an Old West store. A pretty young lady approaches the counter]

Ms. Dawkins: Howdy, Mr. Shipley.

Mr. Shipley: Hi, Ms. Dawkins. I got that sterling silver comb you wanted for your mama for Christmas.

Ms. Dawkins: Oh, goody. She'll love it.

Mr. Shipley: All right. That's gonna be 22 cents. Now, do you want that gift wrapped?

Ms. Dawkins: Gift wrapped? What's that?

Mr. Shipley: Little service I'm trying out for the holidays. My cousin and her special friend thought it up. Save yourself time to wrap it at home. You'll be their first customer.

[Ms. Dawkins goes to a table with Corvis, a flamboyant gay cowboy and his assistant wrapping lady]

Ms. Dawkins: I'll reckon that sounds all right. So, I give this to you?

[gives comb to the wrapping lady]

Corvis and Wrapping Lady: Oh, wow!

Corvis: Fancy comb!

Wrapping Lady: Neat comb!

Corvis and Wrapping Lady: So neat!

Corvis: This is over the top neat! If I got this for Christmas I'd shoot stuff out of my fanny!

Wrapping Lady: Corvis!

Corvis: What?!

Wrapping Lady: Oh, come on. Get to wrapping.

Ms. Dawkins: Oh, you know what? I'm in a hurry. Maybe I should get.

Corvis: Don't get without this.

[gives the comb all wrapped up in pretty designs, shiny paper]

Ms. Dawkins: It's awfully flashy. I don't know what to say.

Corvis: You don't have to say anything. Just make your face go like this.[silly O face]

Wrapping Lady: Or like this. [sillier face]

Corvis: Bye. Thank you.

Wrapping Lady: Bye, thank you, bye.

[Ms. Dawkins leaves]

Wrapping Lady: Oh, she was great.

Corvis: Her outfit could've used a bout of color.

[A good old boy cowboy enters the store]

Scootch: Howdy, Mr. Shipley.

Mr. Shipley: Howdy, Scootch. What can I do you for?

Scootch: I got to get me a Christmas present for my wife.

Mr. Shipley: How about this padded milking stool? My last one.[gives Scootch the milking stool]

Scootch: Ha,ha. Well, what would they think of next? I'll take it.

[Corvis and the wrapping lady look for attention]

Corvis and Wrapping Lady: Ahem! Ahem!

Mr. Shipley: Would you like that gift wrapped?

Scootch: Well, I do not know what that means.

Mr. Shipley: Just take it over there.

[Scootch goes to the wrapping table]

Wrapping Lady: Oooh!!! A milking stool! I smell romance!

Corvis: If I got this for Christmas I'd shoot stuff out of my fanny!

Wrapping Lady: Stop.

Corvis: I really think I would.

Scootch: Well, its getting dark and I'm gonna have to get. You see, my horse is sick...

Wrapping Lady: Here you go!

[Milking stool is inside a big, shiny, flashy box with bows]

Scootch: I'm at a loss for words!

Corvis: Who needs words? Just make your face go like this.[silly O face]

Wrapping Lady: Or like this. [sillier face]

Scootch: I can't walk down the street carrying this! I will get shot!

Wrapping Lady: [snippy] How about "thank you"?

Corvis: You are rude.

Scootch: Well, I guess I'll just have to hope for the best.

[Scootch leaves the store with the shiny box. 4 to 5 gunshots ring out]

[BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!]

Mr. Shipley: [looks out the window] He got shot! Good job you two. This whole gift wrapping thing ain't really panning out.

[A desperate bandido cowboy enters the store, guns blazing up into the ceiling]

Common James: Whooooo!! Whooo!!![BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!] That's right! I'm Common James! Now give me all your money unless you want to end up like that fella I just shot outside!

Mr. Shipley: He was getting a Christmas present for his wife!

Common James: I don't care about Christmas! No one ever gave nothing to me!

Wrapping Lady: We got to do something!

Corvis: I got an idea. Hey! Can we talk to you over here in the gift wrapping department?

Common James: What department? Where? You best just shut your trap while he fills up them bags over there!

Corvis: Hey, you! We've had about enough of this. [reaches for Common's gun]

Common James: What the...?

Mr. Shipley:[scared] Oh, we're gonna get it! Get it good! Oh, no!

[Common James's gun is gift wrapped in shiny, flashy paper]

Common James: Oh, my God! This is the first gift I've ever done got given to me inside my hands here! Its so beautiful. [cries] This entire meaning of Christmas flashed before me. Thank you weirdoes! [leaves the store]

Wrapping Lady: You did it, Corvis!

Corvis: Now that is the magic of Christmas!

Wrapping Lady: Oh, I think I love you Corvis.

Corvis: You know that's not happening.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel


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