Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 10








10j: Jeff Bridges / Eminem & Lil Wayne

Julian Assange

Mark Zuckerberg.....Andy Samberg
Julian Assange.....Bill Hader

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: And now, a message from Mark Zuckerberg.

[ dissolve to Mark Zuckerberg seated in profile at his computer ]

Mark Zuckerberg: Hello. I'm Mark Zuckerberg. On Tuesday afternoon, I was named Time Magazine's Person of the Year. While this a great honor for me, I could not have accomplished it without the half a billion users who make up Facebook's social network --

[ the picture turns to snow, then falls upon the image of Julian Assange in his home ]

Julian Assange: Hello, again. It's me, Julian Assange. I'm o-o-o-o-outtt! [ he sips his brandy ] As you may have heard, I was released from a British prison on bail, Thursday. Tonight, I want to take a moment to congratulate Time Magazine on the excellent selection of Mark Zuckerberg as Person of the Year. [ mockingly ] Time Magazine. Always on the cutting edge. Discovering Facebook only weeks after your grandmother!

[ he laughs maniacally as he sips his brandy ]

Ah! What are the differences between Mark Zuckerberg and me? Let's take a look: I give you private information on corporations for free... and I'm a villain; Mark Zuckerberg gives your private information to corporations FOR money... and he's Man of the Year.

[ he laughs maniacally as he sips his brandy ]

Thanks to Wikileaks, you can see how corrupt governments operate in the shadows... and then lie to those who elect them; Thanks to Facebook, you can finally figure out which "Sex and the City" character you are. I'm a Samantha. But, if the Swedish police ask -- I'm a Charlotte.

[ he laughs maniacally as he sips his brandy ]

In order to make a movie about Mark Zuckerberg interesting, they had to make stuff up; In order to make a movie about me -- just rated "R" -- they'll have to leave stuff out.

[ he laughs maniacally as he sips his brandy ]

Perhaps, in the end, Time chose Mark Zuckerberg because... he was the more dynamic choice. Let's check back in with him.

[ the picture turns to snow, then returns to Mark Zuckerberg ]

Mark Zuckerberg: -- And I think we can ALL agree... that's an algorithm for FUN! [ he laughs like a dork ]

[ the picture turns to snow, then returns to the image of Julian Assange shaking his head ]

Julian Assange: In conclusion, a final reminder that no matter how I die -- even if there's a video of me peacefully dying of natural causes -- it was murder. [ he grins ] And here's a status update: Democracy is dead. Happy Holidaaaayyys!!

[ he sips his brandy as the picture turns snowy again and fades ]


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