Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 11

10k: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys

Finding Your Power

Zack Twinefeld.....Jason Sudeikis
Ethan.....Andy Samberg
Jessica.....Vanessa Bayer
Garrett.....Jim Carrey

[ open on talk show set ]

Zack Twinefeld: Hello. And welcome to "Finding Your Power". I'm licensed therapist Zack Twinefeld. And today we are focusing on how self-empowerment can be achieved through healthy confrontation. Now, Ethan -- you said you recently had a very intense confrontation with your boss. Can you tell us what happened?

Ethan: Yes. My boss is a real jerk. And I was tired of dealing with it. So I marched into his office, got in his face and said: "You don't like me, and I don't care! and if you got a problem with me, that's on YOU, buddy! You need to BACK OFF and let me do my job!"

Zack Twinefeld: Wow. I bet he was surprised by that.

Ethan: [ chuckling with delight ] Oh, believe me, he was!

Zack Twinefeld: Well, let's see how it went.

Ethan: [ confused ] What? [ he looks around ]

Zack Twinefeld: We have the security camera footage. Let's roll it.

[ cut to security camera footage: Ethan, alone in his boss' office, crying ]

Ethan: Why don't you like me! Whyyyy? [ sniffling ] I like youuuu! You know? I'm trying to do what you want! And I give you things! You never thank me! And I didn't have a daaaad -- and you KNOW that!! [ he bawls harder ]

[ return to the set ]

Zack Twinefeld: [ stone-faced ] Wow. So, did that change things for you at work?

Ethan: [ a beat ] No, he wasn't there yet. I just yelled at the desk.

Zack Twinefeld: I see. Well, you sure told his desk.

[ Ethan returns a sarcastic smile ]

Zack Twinefeld: Jessica! I understand you recently confronted your sister about how she treats you.

Jessica: [ smiling ] Yes, Zack! My sister's a real Martha Stewart type -- a perfect mother and wife, and she always makes me feel less than.

Zack Twinefeld: Mmm-hmm. But you spoke your mind, right?

Jessica: I sure did! She started belittling me at Christmas dinner, so I said: "Sherry! Do NOT speak to me in that condescending tone! If you have issues with the way I live MY life, then keep it... to... yourself!"

Zack Twinefeld: [ he raises his eyebrows ] Wow! Bold words.

Jessica: Yeah, well... she needed to hear it!

Zack Twinefeld: Well, we recorded it on our hidden camera. Let's take a look.'

[ cut to hidden camera footage: Jessica gasping and crying at the dinner table ]

Jessica: Look at me! I'm all alone! I have TWO vibrators! TWO vibrators! Yuo have SO many people who LOVE you! I want your life! Trade with me! TRADE! With! Me!

[ return to the set ]

Zack Twinefeld: Hey, what'd you say at the end there? I couldn't make it out.

Jessica: I said... "Trade with me."

Zack Twinefeld: [ smugly ] "Trade with me." That's the one! Thank you, Jessica.

[ Jessica hangs her head in shame ]

Zack Twinefeld: Now, Garrett -- You recently were on a trip with your wife, and she told you something shocking.

Garrett: Yes, she did. She told me that she was sleeping with another man. We were on a remote mountain in Vermont, where there were no cameras! But I can assure you... I set her straight! [ he smiles with great confidence ]

Zack Twinefeld: Is that right? You really laid down the law?

Garrett: [ triumphantly ] Oh! Yeah! I did! I looked her STRAIGHT in the eye, and I said: "I deserve better. We are done! Now, get the hell... OUT OF MY LIFE!!"

Zack Twinefeld: Incredibly assertive. And how did it feel to take your power back?

Garrett: [ beaming with pride ] Zack... it felt MAGNIFICENT!

[ Zack stares Garrett down uncomfortably, armed with his secret knowledge of the events ]

Zack Twinefeld: Well, we put a camera in your wife's mouth -- let's roll it!

Garrett: [ stunned ] WHAT?!!

[ cut to hidden mouth-cam footage: Garrett bawling to his wife in the snow ]

Garrett: I can't believe you don't love me! Why?! I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! [ the camera pulls back ] No! No, don't leave! Don't leave! [ the mouth closes and re-opens ] Don't leeeeeave!! [ the camera pulls back farther and father ] I'll stop eating! I'll die of starvation, and THEN you'll see!! [ he throws himself down into the snow and writhes maniacally ]

[ return to the set ]

Zack Twinefeld: [ grinning ] Sounds like you set her straight! From what I could, you know, hear through your sobbing.

Garrett: Hey -- we're still together! And the guy she's seeing is pretty cool, so --

Zack Twinefeld: Well, how nice for you! Good work, everyone! We'll see you next time. Good night!

[ fade ]

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