Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 11

10k: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys

Black Swan

Thomas.....Bill Hader
Nina.....Nasim Pedrad
Dancer.....Kristen Wiig
Lily.....Jim Carrey
David.....Taran Killam

(opens with NINA as the Swan)

Thomas: Very good, Nina. Your White Swan is flawless. But my problem is Iím not just casting the White Swan. Iím also casting the Black Swan. One down South, two rows. Your White Swan, again, is perfect. Your Black Swan is very disappointing.

Nina: Ugh!!! I see.

Thomas: White Swan thumbs up. Black Swan not so much.

Nina: I got it.

Thomas: White Swan sure. Black Swan ew.

Nina: Thomas! (pronounced Ta-ma) Please.

Thomas: Besides, someoneís Black Swan is far superior.

Nina: Who?! Her?!

(Dancer looks with a crazy look)

Thomas: No! Not her! Her!!!!!!!

Lily: Sorry Iím late, I had to go numbers three and four.

Thomas: Its ok, Lily. Warm up.

Lily: O! Iím already warm. Iím all swampy in my pants.

Thomas: Sheís already warm! Isnít she great? Sheís so comfortable with her body. She even has two swan wings tattooed on her back.

Nina: I think those are like buffalo wings!

Thomas: Lily! Black Swan, now!

Lily: Get ready to rock, bitches!

Nina: But, Thomas! Thatís my role!

Thomas: Nina! I want you to watch her! I want you to learn from! Watch the way she moves, Nina! Sheís so persisted but beautiful! Watch, as she becomes the Black Swan! Yes! Yes! She is hungry! Hungry for bread crumbs! Watch as she seduces me! She wants to poses me to control me! She feels nothing! Itís passion! Mysterious! Dangerous!

Lily: Hoi! Hoi!

Thomas: Yes! Thatís good enough! That dance could seduce me. But no one enjoys seduction more than me the words only straight from a French choreographer.

Nina: But Thomas! I can do it Ė

Thomas: David! David! Let me ask you something! Would you have sex with this woman? What about her, would you have sex with her?

David: Yes! Absolutely I would! Yes!

Thomas: You see, Nina? Must have been un-clear! White Swan is good! Black Swan is bad!

Nina: Yeah, I got it!

Thomas: Because if you donít I have prepared chart. Let me see this chart I made. You can take it home if you want Ė-

Nina: Iím not gonna do that!

Thomas: You see, Nina, you are the White Swan, youíre innocent, naÔve. You must become like the Black Swan. Sheís compulsive, she goes to clubs, she does ecstasy.

Nina: I can do this role, Thomas! I know I can!

Thomas: Then thereís only one way to decide this. Both of you must dance. Whoever can seduce me will be the Swan Queen!

Thomas: Sheís brilliant, see Nina, she stuck her gum in my ear! Iíve made my decision. The Swan Queen will be Nina. Because I see something in her.

Lily: Ehhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thomas: Lily! Lily! Because Lily, when you climbed on me, I felt a penis.

Lily: Fine. Iím out of here. But just remember. Once you go Black Swan, you never go backÖ swan.

(Closes with LILY as the Swan)

Submitted by: Connor Cronholm

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