Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 12


















10l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Cee Lo Green

Globe Theater

Emcee.....Bobby Moynihan
Male Audience Member.....Andy Samberg
Female Audience Member.....Kristen Wiig
William Shakespeare.....Bill Hader
Actor.....Taran Killam
Actress.....Gwyneth Paltrow
Lute Player.....Fred Armisen
Falconer.....Jason Sudeikis
Black Man.....Jay Pharoah
Painter.....Kenan Thompson

[ open on art card: Globe Theater, 1594 ]

[ dissolve to theater stage ]

Emcee: Greetings, countrymen! And welcome to the illustrious Globe Theater! Tonight, we are proud to present William Shakespeare's Taming of the Shrew.

[ the audience applauds ]

Male Audience Member: Huzzahhhh!!

Female Audience Member: Three cheers for The Bard!

Emcee: But, first -- we are trying something rather novel here at the Globe. Our actors are going to give you a glance ahead, at some of our Coming Attractions! We call them... Previews.

[ the audience frowns in confusion ]

Male Audience Member: Previews?

Female Audience Member: Curious!

William Shakespeare: [ in deep tone ] Coming soon: Romeo thought he had everything!

Actor: Methinks I have... everything.

William Shakespeare: -- Until he fell in love... with the enemy!

Actress: I am Juliet, from Capulet.

Actor: The whaaaat?

[ lute player steps forward ]

Actress: [ singing ]
"I've got a feeling...
That this is going to be a good eve."

All: [ singing ]
"That this eve's going to be
A good, good eve!"

[ they bow ]

William Shakespeare: "Romeo and Juliet". It's a romance... to die for!

Male Audience Member: I don't know if I care for these previews!

Female Audience Member: They gave away the whole plot! Now, start the play!

Male Audience Member: START THE PLAY!!

Emcee: In a moment, thank you, sir. But, first, a quick reminder: Make sure to silence your falcon --

[ reveal wide-grinning audience member holding a falcon. The falcon screeches, so the audience member places a nuzzle over his beak ]

Emcee: And, in case of a fire, the emergency exits are... nowhere. So, please, make your peace with God. Now, enjoy... The Taming of the Shrew -- after one more preview!

William Shakespeare: [ in deep tone ] Coming soon: Hamlet never believed in ghosts!

Actor: That's all HOGWASH!

William Shakespeare: -- Until his own father came back -- from the dead!

[ an actor in a white sheet appears behind Hamlet ]

Black Man in Audience: [ screaming ] Hey, watch out, Hamlet! It's a GHOST!!

Male Audience Member: Shhh!! Keep it down! Now, start the play!

Female Audience Member: Start the play already!!

Emcee: Please, please! Just another quick reminder: Any recording of today's play is prohibited.

[ a painter in the audience looks up from his canvas of the theater, quickly retrieves his easel and runs for it ]

Emcee: And, remember: Refreshments are available in the foyer.

[ actors dance on stage ]

Actor & Actress: [ singing ]
"Let's all go to the lobby!
Let's all go to the lobby!
Let's all go to the lobby!"

Actor: And eat some boiled duck!

Black Man in Audience: Awww, HELL nay!

Male Audience Member: [ holding up a large chalise ] And can you believe this is a Small?!

Emcee: And now, without further ado, I give you Taming of the Shrew -- after ONE more preview!

William Shakespeare: [ in deep tone ] Coming soon: You love Henry IV. Well, guess what? There's a new king in town!

Actress: Henry IV, I presume?

Actor: Not... exactly.

William Shakespeare: Henry... the Fifth! [ he smiles ]

Male Audience Member: Let's burn this place DOWWWWWWNNNN!!

[ the audience cheers him on in agreement ]

[ freeze-frame ]

Announcer: [ over scroll ] And so they did. And no one ever heard of shakespeare again. This has been... FALSE HISTORY! Good night!

[ fade ]


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