Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 13

10m: Jesse Eisenberg / Nicki Minaj

Jesse Eisenberg's Monologue

.....Jesse Eisenberg
Mark Zuckerberg.....Andy Samberg
.....Mark Zuckerberg
.....Lorne Michaels

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen -- Jesse Eisenberg!

Jesse Eisenberg: Thank you, thank you, thank you so much. Thank you very much. Itís so great to be here hosting ďSaturday Night Live.Ē Itís been a really exciting year for me, I was in ďThe Social Network.Ē Thank you very much. And Iím also glad to be here tonight because, you know, in a few movies Iíve played guys who are kind of shy and unassuming and thatís just not me at all, you know, and as youíll see tonight, Iím... well Iím really cocky, you know. In life, I just, you know I, I own it, you know. When I walk into a room, people are just like ďWow wow watch out, who is that freight train of confidence?Ē, or not, I donít know, I wouldnít want to pretend to be an expert on what other people are thinking, thatís presumptuous of me, sorry, um, anyway although actually one, one thing I am an expert in is women, you know, I, no I do, I know, I know a lot about the ladies, you know, like for example, like I know that every 28 days females will shed their uterine lining, that is, no itís true, thatís true, so so you know that would be a thing like if I were, if I were out on a date, you know, with a lady, she wouldnít have to explain that to me, you know, Ďcause I already know it, you know, Ďcause Iím so cocky! Yes, and I canít wait for the Oscars, you know, I am, Iím gonna, Iím gonna, oh okay, thank you, yes, yes, none of us can wait, and when I get there, Iím going to take Jack Nicholsonís seat in the front row and when he comes over to me Iím just gonna say: ďSorry Jack, you know, hereís Jesse!Ē No Iím not, Iím not gonna say that, no no, even thinking of saying something like that is kind of, was actually kind of giving me a panic attack right now, you know what, I feel like Iím misrepresenting myself.

Mark Zuckerberg: Yeah, well, misrepresenting people is something you have a lot of practice with.

Jesse Eisenberg: Wow, Mark... Mark Zuckerberg, hey, how are you?

Mark Zuckerberg: Oh, how am I? Iím bad, okay? You got nominated for an Academy Award for playing me, and what do I get, you know, what do I have to feel good about?

Jesse Eisenberg: Uh-ha, wasnít Facebook just valued at like 50 billion dollars?

Mark Zuckerberg: Oh thatís right, yeah. Well, good luck at your dinky movie award thing. All hail the Zuck! Wooh hoo hoo!

[ cut to Lorne Michaels watching backstage with the real Mark Zuckerberg ]

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: Why canít I go in there? Iím the real Mark Zuckerberg! Lorne Michaels: Yeah, and Iím pretty sure at least one of those guys is the real Mark Zuckerberg.

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: No, I am! That guy is like my evil twin and thatís just Andy Samberg. Those guys are such nerds, come on, I invented poking.

Lorne Michaels: Yeah, um... youíre better off backstage.

[ return to Home Base ]

Jesse Eisenberg: Okay, weíre gonna let you in on the joke, this isnít Mark Zuckerberg, this is Andy Samberg.

Andy Samberg: Yes, and there youíve made... and may I say, Jesse, that I loved your Zuckerberg. Howíd you do yours?

Jesse Eisenberg: Oh thank you, I just speak in short glib sentences and I keep, you know, my head very still like this, but I love yours actually, so wh-wha-what is your technique?

Andy Samberg: Oh, well, I wear this sweatshirt and I say ďIím Mark Zuckerberg!Ē

Jesse Eisenberg: Straightforward. And of course, you know, I wasnít really doing Mark Zuckerberg, you know, I was, I was interpreting a fictional character in a movie script.

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: You know Jessee, I donít know if it came out very well.

Jesse Eisenberg: Hi, thank you for coming here.

Andy Samberg: Wait, have you two not met?

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: No.

Jesse Eisenberg: No.

Andy Samberg: Awkberg... Well Iíll be going... Samberg out...

Jesse Eisenberg: Okay, uh, so...

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: So...

Jesse Eisenberg: Yeah, yeah, itís good, I... really, really liked you on ď60 Minutes.Ē

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: Thanks man, thanks.

Jesse Eisenberg: Yeah, díyou ever end up seeing, seeing the film, ďThe Social Network?Ē

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: Yeah I did, yeah.

Jesse Eisenberg: Cool, thanks, and uh, and what did you think?

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: It was interesting.

Jesse Eisenberg: Interesting, I, you know, Iíll take it, thank you, great. Hey, you know, why donít we do this together? You go first.

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: Alright, awesome, cool, weíve got a great show for you tonight, Nicki Minaj is here.

Jesse Eisenberg: Right, so stick around, weíll be right back.

Submitted by: Jacques

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