Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 16










10p: Miley Cyrus / The Strokes

CBS Gurney Month

Announcer: TV's top shows are on CBS! We're on a roll -- rolling away dead bodies, that is! Right, now, we've got MORE programs that begin with a body bag than ANY other network!

Shows like: "Criminal Minds" --

"The Medium" --

"The Mentalist"

"Flashpoint" --

"Hawaii Five-O" --

TWO "NCIS" --

and THREE "CSI"s!

And we're about to take it up a notch! All of March is Gurney Month on CBS! We've got gurneys 24/7!

We've got one show that WASN'T about gurneys. That's gone! "Two and a Half Men"? More like "Two and a Half Dead Bodies"!

And we keep finding WEIRDER way to kill people! Self-asphyxiation! Rooftop impaling! That dude's in a toilet!

[ show clip of Catherine Willows on "CSI: CRime Scene Investigation" ]

Catherine Willows: You take a car traveling highway speed and hit someone just right... she could fly the length of a football field.

[ show computer graphic ]

Announcer: TOUCHDOWN!!

This month, there's a party in the morgue! [ during an autopsy, matter is pulled from a woman's brain ] Yikes! What's that?! Ever have SO much fun, you feel SICK?

[ show clip of Lt. Horatio Caine on "CSI: Miami" ]

Lt. Horatio Caine: A dead body... can have that effect on you.

Announcer: We've got corpses! We've got bodies! We've got Meredith Baxter-Birney. Where? On a gurney!

So tag it, bag it, put it on wheels! March is Gurney Month on CBS!

[ fade ]


SNL Transcripts