Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 16








10p: Miley Cyrus / The Strokes

Miley Cyrus' Monologue

.....Miley Cyrus
.....Bobby Moynihan
.....Kristen Wiig

Announcer: Ladies and gnetlemen -- Miley Cyrus!

Miley Cyrus: Thank you! Thank you, guys! It's great to be here hosting "Saturday Night Live". The cast is amazing! Tonight, we have guests... and a show... and I'm ready to go. So... I guess that's pretty cool!

You know, I did a show for a long time, called "Hannah Montana". You know, it explored TWO sides of the same girl -- normal by day, rock star by night. It's like the Disney Channel's version of "Black Swan". I've been in the public eye for almost half my life, and I'm mostly a White Swan kind of girl, but... there have been a few Black Swan moments. You know, I've never been arrested or anything. My scandals are more like... Miley and some girl were chewing on the same Twizzler, someone took a photo, and now it's all over the Internet. And, you know, that may upset some people, and... for that, I'm truly sorry. Let me put it this way:

[ singing ]
"Thereís a photo of me being kissed by a dude
And Annie Leibovitz tried to get me nude
For those of you who think that's very crude
Iím sorry that I'm not perfect!

I never stole a necklace or got a D.U.I.
Never cheated on my wife like that golfer guy
So what, you can see a little boob from the side?
I'm sorry that I'm not perfect!

And sure, I danced on a pole and people called it sinning
But at least I didn't date a porn star and tell everyone Iím ďwinningĒ."

[ Bobby Moynihan and Kristen Wiig appear as back-up singers ]

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ] "Didnít make a dirty tape and pass it along."

Bobby Moynihan: [ singing ] "Didnít text a photo of your dong."

Miley Cyrus: [ singing ] "Donít both of these things seem worse than a bo-o-o-o-o-o-ong?"

[ she waits for the audience to applaud ]

"Iím sorry!"

Bobby & Kristen: She's sorry!

Miley Cyrus: [ singing ] So sorry!

Bobby & Kristen: So sorry!

Miley Cyrus: [ singing ] Really sorry... that Iím... not... perfe-e-e-e-e-e-ect!

[ the audience cheers ]

Miley Cyrus: Thank you! We've got a great ahow for you guys tonight! The Strokes are here! So stick around, we'll be right back!


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